And when I kissed her? Wow. The way I felt, the emotion inside me, made everything so intense, so much better. Everything about her was as wonderful as I’d imagined; the softness of her milky-white skin, the sweetness of its taste as I ran my mouth over her body. Her voluptuous bum, her smooth breasts, her small blush nipples – I couldn’t get it out of my mind. It had taken every ounce of self-control I had to stop myself from having sex with her. Something I was pleased with myself for. I didn’t want her to wake up the next day regretting it. But also, I wasn’t a total rogue, there was something nagging away inside of me. Typically known to all as my conscience. I couldn’t stop Robert from popping up in my brain, reminding me what a tosser I was being to him, my best mate, the guy who’d do anything for me. That was his girlfriend that I was with, and whether they were technically still together or not was beside the point. I was being an arsehole. They had not been apart more than a few hours before I’d swooped in. But then, as I sat there thinking about her plump pink lips, I wondered if he would care. After all, he’d discarded her, got with someone else and talked about breaking up.
I was being ridiculous.
Of course he would care.
My blood ran cold as soon as I saw Robert’s name pop up on my phone. I completely froze. I wasn’t sure what to do. It was such a normal thing, him calling me, but suddenly it felt like the most alien and bizarre thing in the world to happen. My mind entered into a mad spin as I tried to work out why he could possibly be calling me.
I thought he might have found out and that was why he was phoning. I imagined maybe Maddy had called and told him everything as a way of getting back at him, or something. That made me feel really sick, which was pathetic – if anything were to happen with me and Maddy, which I was sure I wanted, then of course Robert was going to find out. We’d have to tell him. It was something I hadn’t thought about until his name popped up. I would have to tell him and that could potentially ruin over twenty years of friendship. I could lose him. Is that what I wanted? I wondered if I loved Maddy that much. I’d always thought I would sacrifice everything for love, but the reality wasn’t as clear-cut. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to give up on Robert, but then, I couldn’t be sure if it was loyalty or guilt making me feel that way.
If I’m honest, I wasn’t sure where I saw me and Maddy going, and that hurt. It pained me that, after years of wanting her so badly, I wasn’t sure what the future had in store for us. I’d spent years with her not knowing the truth, of plodding along with her and Robert as my best friends. Having her know the truth after so long was more complicated than I’d feared, leaving me to feel more confused than I thought I ever could over the possibility of being with Maddy.
With all those thoughts and worries whirling through my mind, I didn’t pick up the phone to Robert. I knew I needed to speak to Maddy first – to find out exactly where we stood and what was going to happen next.
A loud bleep let me know he’d left a voicemail. I took a deep breath, reached for my phone and nervously held it to my ear as Robert’s jolly voice boomed through the speaker.
I sat up in bed as I listened to the twenty-nine second message over and over again.
Everything was okay, he’d said.
He was with her.
They’d talked things through.
They were back on track.
Where the hell did that leave me, I wondered.
Somehow, in the mere hours since Maddy had left my room, she’d gone back to Robert. She’d forgiven him for his misdemeanour. I was just a pit stop along the way to her reaching that conclusion. The night rendered forgettable and meaningless – it hadn’t been as special for her as it had for me. But then, what did I expect? They’d been a couple for years, shared a bond that could stand a few knocks. My pathetic few hours with her would never have been able to compete with that. I was foolish for thinking otherwise. Stupid for believing she could love me back in the same way.
The rejection hurt just as much as I feared it would.
I almost had her, and then Robert came back to reclaim her, pushing all thoughts of me and the night we’d shared out of her mind. Yes, Robert had caused me to have my own doubts, but all I’d needed to do was talk to Maddy, to try to decipher the complicated situation we were in. I hadn’t expected her to move away from me so swiftly, to turn her back on our night together so coldly.
I sat in silence on my bed, looking around my room. Hours before, it had been a place of love and warmth, now it was bleak and barren. Deserted. I needed to get out, to be surrounded by noise.
I didn’t even wash, I just chucked on a pair of jeans and a crumpled shirt and walked back to the Red Fox. I didn’t care that it was dirty, I just liked the fact that I knew I’d be left to mope into my pint of Carling … of which I had several.