‘No. I don’t think so,’ I said, trying to hide the panic from my voice. I did not want to be talking about Ben to Robert. I also did not want to be in a situation where the three of us had to hang out together.
‘Are you sure? I feel bad the way I put him in the middle like that. I shouldn’t have. I didn’t even think before phoning him. He no doubt thinks I’m a complete dick now. I would.’
‘Robert, I’m sure he’s fine. He’s just busy, that’s all.’
He looked from me down to his phone with hesitation. ‘You know what, I’ll call him anyway. It would be good to just speak to him. He’ll be worried.’
My heart sank as Robert dialled, put the phone to his ear and wandered out of my room. From the hallway I could hear him talking but he was back in the room within seconds.
‘Answer machine,’ he muttered.
I felt relieved.
When the following evening finally came and it was time for Robert to head back to Nottingham, he didn’t want to go. He put it off as late as possible, hating having to leave when everything felt so unresolved. He had tried his best to hold everything together, to bandage us back into one piece with his earnest attitude, but even he wasn’t sure if he’d done enough. He couldn’t take our mistakes away, no matter how hard he wished he could.
When it was time to say goodbye he hugged me tighter than ever, still trying his best to knock down the barrier that had been built between us. It was futile to try so early. I needed time, space.
What am I saying?
I wasn’t sure what I needed.
I just wanted him gone.
I hadn’t been alone for more than fifteen minutes when a letter was slid through the crack at the bottom of my door. It was from Robert.
Maddy,
When we first kissed in Paris our love required a leap of faith. We didn’t know what was going to become of those strange teenage emotions that had taken over. It was scary voyaging into the unknown but we had each other for support as we put aside our fears and trusted that our feelings would lead us to the place we were meant to be.
I’ve never regretted that moment, or doubted the love in our relationship, nor have I ever questioned our future together. I need you to know that what happened was not because I do not want to be with you, more that I’m a fool who made the most momentous mistake of his life.
I’m prepared to spend the rest of forever fighting to put things right – to make you see that I’m your Robert. The one you deservedly put so much trust in, and who promised to love you forever.
All I ask is that you take another leap of faith with me, like you did five years ago, although this time, I promise to never let you go.
Yours forever,
Robert xxx
In fact, I was pretty sure she did end up preferring his company to mine on occasions, but he brought her back to me in one piece once our university days were through, so I’d like to take this opportunity to say thank you to Ben, for that. Without him there, who knows what might have happened. She could have been whisked off her feet by an utter charmer and this day would never have happened.
Ben
Twenty-one years old …
‘Hey, mate. Look, so sorry about all this. I shouldn’t have phoned you first and put you in the middle like that. I’m over at Maddy’s now. Wanted you to know everything’s okay, we’re just talking things through. Really want to see you before I go back. Give me a call. Oh, and thanks for looking after her last night. You’re a true gent.’
I was still in bed when he called. I’d been replaying little scenes from the previous night in my head, over and over again – I was still in disbelief that it had actually happened, that I hadn’t just dreamed the whole thing. For years I’d held in my feelings and not told a soul about how I’d truly felt, too worried that I’d ruin the great thing we had going – worried that I’d be rejected if I confessed anything, not that I’d ever admitted that to myself. I’d told myself I would never get to tell her how I felt, too much time had gone by and then she was with Robert for years, so I was getting used to the fact that she’d never know the truth, that she’d never be attainable to me. I thought that ship had well and truly sailed, but then when she kept pushing me to tell her what was on my mind, pushing and pushing, I suddenly went for it. Put my cards on the table like a freshly opened deck, too tempting to ignore.
I told her everything, about how I loved her, about the three squeezes, it all came tumbling out … once I’d started I couldn’t stop. I needed her to see its importance, understand that I wasn’t just drunk. There she was, the love of my life, listening to my every word. Moved by what I was telling her. It was better than I’d ever imagined.