I was in the bathroom for far longer than necessary, trying to avoid facing Robert and having to make any sort of decision. When I finally opened the door, none the wiser over what to do, Robert shot up from the spot he’d been sitting in on the floor and frantically grabbed for me.
‘Don’t touch me, Robert. Please. Don’t,’ I begged, pulling my arms around myself. I didn’t want him near me, couldn’t stand the thought of being held by those hands that had roamed over someone else’s body.
‘Maddy, please … I love you. It was a mistake; you’ve got to believe me. I don’t even know the girl, and yes, I know that makes it worse in a way, that I’d do that and risk losing everything we have, I just … it was a split-second decision, Mad. I was a fucking prick,’ he ranted in desperation. ‘I don’t expect you to understand why I did it, or what could possibly make me act out in that way … but if I could take it back, I would.’
‘It’s not that simple, though, is it?’ I snapped, his words touching a nerve.
Robert mutely shook his head, looking sheepish and scared.
‘You talked about going on a break …’
‘But, I don’t want that, I don’t need one,’ he said with urgency.
‘What about wanting to be a “free spirit”?’
‘That was just nonsense. It wasn’t even about you, it was more that I couldn’t believe I could do that to you. That I had it in me to do that to the person I love, to you.’
‘And then you just snapped out of those thoughts?’
‘I love you. I love you, Maddy. I want to be with you. We’ve almost finished uni – I want us to move in together. I want to give you everything you ever wanted, for us to grow old together and have loads of kids. I was wrong, I made a stupid mistake, but I know what I want now. It’s what I’ve always wanted.’
As the words tumbled from his mouth I stared at him in sadness and disbelief. If I’d have heard him say those words two days before I’d have been elated, but at that point I just felt pity, not just for him, for myself too. I was sad at the crappy situation we’d suddenly found ourselves in.
‘I don’t want you to want those things just because you’re feeling guilty, Rob,’ I said calmly.
‘I’m not!’ He dropped to his knees and pulled me in to him so that his face was buried into my stomach, his hands grabbing me with desperation. This time I didn’t back away from him. ‘Please, please, give me another chance. You know me! You know me better than anyone in the world. You get me. You know me.’
‘Which is why this is so hard!’ I moaned.
‘You have to forgive me, Maddy. Please.’
‘I don’t know if I can …’
‘But say you’ll try …’ he looked up at me and I saw a glimpse of the nine-year-old boy I first met, all bravado and cockiness evaporated. His little slit eyes were the widest I’d ever seen them as they desperately begged, literally begged. I was shocked to see him looking so broken. How on earth had we come to that? Our relationship had been so placid, so strong, so secure – referred to as perfect by others – and then, in the space of twenty-four tiny hours, all those years of togetherness had been blown apart. It didn’t seem to have any logic to it.
I was so confused. All I knew in that moment was that I didn’t want to hurt Robert. After years of being with him, I didn’t want to crush him the way he’d crushed me. I loved him. I couldn’t refuse him and break his heart. I couldn’t be that cold.
I cupped his head and pulled it in to me, cradling it against my stomach. I couldn’t find any words, but the gesture was enough for him.
‘Thank you, Maddy. Thank you,’ he wept, squeezing his arms even tighter around my body. ‘I promise I’ll never be such an idiot ever again. I never want to lose you.’
I felt three tears roll down my cheeks as I thought of Ben.
That afternoon we sat next to each other on my floral bed and pretended to be fixated by the television screen. Four hours worth of Come Dine With Me was watched as though it was the most interesting thing to ever grace the airwaves. In reality, neither of us cared whether Moira from Hull’s triple-baked cheese soufflés rose to the occasion or not, but focusing on it stopped us from having to focus on each other and the mess we were in. Although, it didn’t stop Robert from trying his best to lift us out of the sombre mood– trying to make light conversation (about Moira and her soufflés, ‘Oh no, they’re going to collapse, poor woman’), or by offering to make us cups of tea every five minutes. I wasn’t ready to pretend everything was normal and happy, but I didn’t want to spend all afternoon talking about it either. I was tired, irritated and, I’d almost forgotten, hungover. I just wanted to sit in silence and avoid life for as long as I could.