‘Look at us,’ he said, looking up at my face. ‘That’s exactly what it would be. I don’t want to be the guy you slept with to get over Robert, or worse, something you end up regretting. I want to be something more.’
‘But you said you love me.’
I sounded like a child, but sitting there naked, opposite Ben, I felt stupid and exposed. My best friend told me he loved me, kissed me, got me naked and then rejected me. How pitiful.
‘I don’t just love you, Maddy … I’m in love with you,’ he sighed. ‘There’s a huge difference between those two things.’
‘I know.’
‘Do you?’ he implored. ‘Loving someone is something you can do from afar, admiring someone and appreciating their existence in your life – but being in love’s different. It’s all-consuming to the point where being away from that person seems unbearable. There’s no stopping that feeling … It’s been so long and I’ve tried everything to stop feeling the way I do, but I can’t. Do you see?’
‘I think so.’
In that moment, I knew I was experiencing a dangerous amount of lust, but I was also aware of the way my tummy whirled around chaotically, churning up new feelings of admiration. I reasoned with myself that if Ben had been feeling even a sliver of those emotions for all those years, then I owed it to him to make sure whatever we did, we did it right, on his terms. Feeling the way I did, I had no doubt that what we had together had the potential to grow into something more, that I could love Ben in a way I’d never experienced before – if that was what I wanted.
‘Maddy, I just don’t want to fuck things up. That’s the reason why I’ve never said anything in the past. I’d rather have you in my life and not be with you than you not in my life at all. We have to take things slowly to make sure it’s what you actually want …’
His words lingered between us.
‘Wait until it’s right?’
‘Yes. Until we both know that there’s nothing else clouding our judgement. No rushing in like drunken buffoons.’
Stopping there was a wise move. We weren’t bad people, we had morals despite our earlier flutter suggesting otherwise. Sleeping with each other in such a careless manner would have been a mistake. If a relationship were to blossom from that night, it would do better not to stem from the darkness.
‘So what do we do now?’
‘I don’t know …’ he said, reaching across for my hand, which he lovingly cradled in his own.
We each stared at our cupped hands in silence, deep in thought.
After a few minutes I watched Ben as he walked to his cupboard and pulled out a t-shirt, before picking up my discarded knickers and his boxers and bringing them back to the bed.
‘Stand up,’ he said quietly.
I did as he said.
Ben bent down in front of me, picking up one leg at a time as he carefully placed my feet through the leg-holes of my knickers, before sliding the black-laced fabric up my legs, back to where they had sat half an hour before. Next he put on his own underwear before picking up the grey t-shirt, pulling it over my head and guiding my arms through the sleeves, slowly pulling it down to cover my boobs and stomach.
With our modesty protected he stopped and looked down at me, pulled me towards him and hugged me close.
‘If we do this, we do it properly,’ he sighed. ‘Believe me, this is taking a huge amount of restraint.’
I couldn’t help but laugh, ‘What a difference a day makes.’
‘Well, I certainly didn’t think I’d have a naked Maddy Hurst in my room wanting to sleep with me when the day started.’
‘Kiss me …’ I asked quietly, looking up at him, not sure if the request was out of bounds now that we had stopped proceedings.
He tilted his head down towards me.
‘Gladly,’ he whispered, before he gently placed his lips on mine, his fingers running through my hair, down to the base of my neck.
At some point we decided to get back into bed under the covers, although this time the speedy need for sex was replaced by a little bubble of wonder – of nerves and excitement. Snuggling into each other’s warm bodies, our arms and legs entwined, we took pleasure in the new feelings being shared between us – an intimacy that felt alarmingly natural.
‘Tell me how you’re feeling, in one word,’ he whispered, kissing my nose.
‘Just one?’ I smiled.
‘Yes, that’s the rule.’
I said the first thing that came into my head, ‘Happy.’
‘That’s a nice word.’
‘You?’
‘Loved.’
I closed my eyes and enjoyed the word, one I could have easily used too.