‘It’s okay. I want this.’
We stayed at his that night, but not before we walked for long enough to hear the birds singing and see the morning sky start to waken with orange light. It must have been about five o’clock by the time we got to his bedroom.
I’d become used to borrowing a t-shirt and sleeping in Ben’s bed after a night out or if I couldn’t be bothered to make the short walk back to mine – but this was different, suddenly everything was so electrified. As soon as the door was closed we just stood there and nervously stared at each other, each knowing what was about to happen, but wanting the other one to make the first move.
I started it.
I cautiously undid the buttons on my shirt-dress, aware that Ben’s face looked full of nerves as I removed it from my shoulders and let it drop to the floor, leaving me in just my bra and knickers. The movement left me feeling exposed, but ridiculously sexy, something I was aware I hadn’t felt in a long time – the thrill of being with someone new after years of being with the same guy, added to the way Ben hungrily looked at my body, as though he wanted to devour every inch of it.
Stepping towards him, I reached the bottom of his t-shirt and brought it over his head, instantly hugging his body into mine, enjoying its warmth, wanting every part of our naked bodies to connect. Expertly he unhooked my bra and ran his fingers over my breasts as he knelt in front of me, licking my nipples playfully before taking them into his mouth, causing me to let out a gasp of excitement as he nibbled gently.
Still on his knees, Ben inched down my knickers, removing them slowly as his eyes locked onto mine. I could hardly breathe at the suspense. Discarding my underwear, his hands reached behind me, sliding over my bum cheeks as he pulled me forward, his tongue tracing my hip bone, his lips brushing over my stomach, building my desire as his hands continued to feel their way around the contours of my body – everywhere but the place I longed for him the most. Back on his feet, his mouth made its way back up my body, past my breasts, along my neck and sucked on my earlobe, his gentle moaning vibrating through my body, massively turning me on. I nibbled on his lobe with desire as I grabbed at his belt, undoing it with speed, unbuttoned his flies and let his jeans drop to the ground.
To my surprise, Ben was commando.
He grabbed for my hands and held them out to our sides, stopping me from touching further, leaving us with just our mouths to roam and explore each other’s bare skin, the bodies that we’d seen regularly but were only just discovering.
Putting force onto my palms, Ben guided me to shuffle backwards onto his bed, which we clumsily climbed. Ben lay on top of me and slowed the pace as he stroked my hair away from my face.
‘Are you sure?’ he asked, searching my eyes with concern.
‘Yes,’ I smiled. ‘You?’
He nodded, as he took a deep breath and looked away from me, brushing my arms with his fingertips, ‘I can’t tell you how much I want this, Maddy …’
I took his head in my hands and pulled us together as I kissed him, excitement rising as I felt more of his body connect with mine.
‘I love you so much,’ he whispered. ‘I completely love you, Maddy Hurst.’
‘And I completely and utterly love you, Ben Gilbert,’ I promised.
At those words he closed his eyes as though he was in physical pain, taking a gulp of air and drawing away so that his body moved away from mine. Draping the bedsheets over himself, he covered his face with his hands.
‘I’m sorry …’ he began.
‘Ben? It’s okay,’ I pleaded, moving towards him.
‘It’s not, Maddy. It’s really not.’
The firmness in his voice stopped me.
‘What do you mean?’
‘We can’t do this!’
‘What? Why?’
‘It’s …’ he started, but couldn’t finish. Instead he shook his head.
‘Because you feel a sense of loyalty to Robert? Because he doesn’t know the meaning of the word? I wouldn’t worry about him.’ I ranted.
‘No, well, partly, yes. He’s like my brother …’ he whimpered.
I stared at him, watching as he battled with his emotions once more.
‘But mostly because I also don’t want us to start out like this,’ he mumbled, unable to look at me. ‘If we’re to be anything – which we don’t know because we’re still drunk and you’re in the midst of heartbreak, but if we were … I don’t know. This moment is something I’ve dreamed about for years. Seriously, it is. I don’t want it to be some quick drunken shag.’
‘It won’t be.’