‘What is it?’ he smiled.
‘I can’t believe we’re doing this.’
‘Neither can I,’ he said softly, removing my hands from my face and kissing me back.
We sat at that corner table in the pub, gazing at each other with our new-found admiration and kissing like giddy love-struck teenagers, until closing time. When we were eventually kicked out (the barmaid made no effort to disguise her haste to get home as she swooped up our half-finished drinks), we aimlessly wandered around Bristol holding hands as though it was the most natural thing for us to be doing.
Ben stopped when we got to the river and pulled me round so that my back was against the railings with him stood in front of me.
‘You’re so beautiful,’ he beamed.
I smiled, it was strange hearing him say that.
‘I mean it. I’ve always thought so,’ he said, lowering his head for another kiss. ‘It feels so good to do that …’ he grinned. ‘I can’t tell you how long I’ve wanted to.’
‘Ben, why haven’t you said anything before? I mean, if you’ve seriously felt this way since we were kids, why did you keep it a secret?’
‘I was scared it would ruin our friendship if you rejected me.’
I couldn’t help but laugh.
‘… and then you got with Robert.’
‘Oh …’ Just the mention of his name caused a tug inside me. There’s only so long you can live in a fantasy world before the reality comes along to sharply put you back in your place. I pushed those thoughts away. Reminding myself that he didn’t want me, he’d slept with someone else. I didn’t owe him anything, I thought, as I concentrated on Ben – lovely Ben, who did want me and who I knew would never hurt me in the same way.
‘You should’ve said something.’
‘Well, I’ve always told you I loved you, even if you didn’t realize I was saying it,’ Ben smiled, managing to ignore the fact that Robert had been mentioned.
I looked up at him in confusion. ‘Telepathically?’ I asked sardonically. ‘Because it really didn’t work.’
‘Three squeezes,’ he laughed, taking my hand and squeezing it three times in the way I was so used to him doing.
I shrugged, not understanding the meaning.
‘I,’ he said as he squeezed my hand, ‘love,’ with another squeeze, ‘you,’ he finished with the third squeeze.
I couldn’t help but laugh as I recalled the number of times I’d been aware of him making that gesture, the first one being at the childish wedding in primary school – the last time being when we were sat in the bar, just moments before he said the words out loud for the first time. Ben had told me he loved me so many times, I just wasn’t listening properly.
‘You’ve been telling me you love me all that time?’
He shrugged and bit his lip as his cheeks blushed. With his eyes down he concentrated on my hands, really inspecting them, as his thumb made circular motions on my palm. ‘I know, it’s stupid,’ he muttered.
‘No, it’s sweet … I can’t believe I didn’t twig.’
His eyes flicked up at me before quickly looking back at our fondling hands. His expression changed to one filled with uncertainty.
‘What are we doing?’ he asked abruptly, a pensive look descending on his face as he slowly stepped backwards, away from me. ‘We shouldn’t be doing this.’
‘I know …’
‘It’s wrong. I shouldn’t have said anything.’
I watched as he walked a few feet away and stared out at the river, leaving his back to me.
I should have felt guilty by that point, or been hit by remorse – Ben backing away should have shocked some sense into me and made me question what I was doing. I’d been so angry at Robert for cheating, I’d spent the whole night slamming him for what he’d done, but my actions had made me just as bad, if not worse. We were his two best friends. Even as I realized that, I knew I wasn’t prepared to let the feelings I’d discovered go. Not yet. I was enjoying it too much – all I felt was the desire to have Ben near.
‘Ben, I know it shouldn’t, but it just feels so right to me …’ I said meekly, walking towards him and placing a hand on his shoulder blade, slowly running it up and down his back, trying to bring him back to me.
‘Same here,’ he whispered.
‘I don’t want to stop.’
‘Neither do I,’ he said, slowly turning round to face me.
‘Then let’s not,’ I implored, pulling his face down to mine, allowing my body to melt into his as we kissed.
‘Maddy …’ he croaked, starting to shake his head.