We’d moved out of our halls and into actual houses in our second year. Despite the fact that we spent almost all our free time together, we’d decided to stay living apart – mainly because we didn’t want to start irritating each other with our bad habits (I was messy, she was a clean freak) but also because her flatmates, Flo, Pearl and Jennifer, wanted to have some sort of all-female, spotlessly clean sorority house. The deal was sealed for Maddy when she discovered that the bedrooms had en-suites – a luxury she was reluctant to let go of. We were still only a few minutes away from one another, both only a couple of miles from the centre of town.
Maddy was in her room when I got to her house an hour later, after a hectic cycle back into town. I found her curled up on her bed in the foetal position, hugging her pillow, with a handful of snotty tissues in her palm. Her mascara had been smeared all over her cheeks thanks to her tears, and her face was blotchy and swollen. Her lips looked redder and fuller than ever as they pouted outwards with misery.
I’d not seen her in such a state since primary school.
‘Hey,’ I said softly, walking towards her. Suddenly feeling awkward in the space I knew so well and in front of the other person in my life I thought I knew inside out.
She sat up slightly, her big blue eyes looking at me in such a forlorn manner my heart dropped to the floor.
‘Do you know?’ she asked feebly.
‘Yeah, he called a little while ago.’ I hated admitting that. Knowing before her made me feel like I was Robert’s accomplice somehow, even if I had only known a few minutes before. It made me feel guilty by association, or like I’d been there and not stopped it from happening.
‘Oh …’ she said, nodding her head as she sighed. ‘What a twat.’
She moved over onto one side of the single bed, and stretched out an arm to me, beckoning me to her. I took Maddy into my arms and gave her a squeeze, trying my best to comfort her.
‘Why’d he do it?’ she whimpered after a moment or two, shifting her body so that her head rested on my chest.
‘I don’t know.’
‘He’s such a fucking dickhead.’
‘I think he’s saying the same thing.’
‘He’s not.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘I think he wants a break …’
‘He didn’t tell me that.’
‘He said he needs time to think things through,’ she whispered with a quivering voice.
‘Oh …’
I had thought it would be a broken Maddy splitting up with Robert when she heard what he’d done. I hadn’t expected it to be him throwing in the towel instead. I’d assumed it was just a one-night thing, a drunken mistake, I wondered if there was more to it than I’d been told. Otherwise, Robert would surely be there fighting to stay with her – mopping up her tears as he begged for her forgiveness. It upset me that he wasn’t. I couldn’t help but feel disappointed with him as Maddy lay there heartbroken in my arms.
I tried not to think about how Robert’s actions would affect the three of us, but I couldn’t help worrying. After all, it wasn’t just their lives that would be altered – it would be mine too. I knew a fracture within the group would change everything. I wasn’t sure how we’d cope. Or, more to the point, how I’d cope if the two of them could no longer bear to be in each other’s presence. They were my rocks, the other two legs of my tripod. The disorder felt, in many ways, worse than when my dad had left – at least back then I had my mum for support. I knew she wasn’t going anywhere. But with Maddy and Robert, there was a possibility that there’d never be a sense of calm again. They were selfish thoughts, though, and, at least for that night, I knew I had to be there for Maddy, when Robert had decided he didn’t want to be.
‘Do you think he still loves me?’ Maddy asked softly, after a heavy silence.
‘Of course he does,’ I lied. I didn’t know what was going on in his head and that was the alarming thing. I’d never felt so out of touch with the guy I’d thought of more as a brother than as a friend. His actions were so out of character. ‘But do you still love him? Could you forgive him?’
She let out a sigh before sobbing, ‘Oh Ben. Why on earth has this happened?’
We stayed curled up together on her bed for hours. I let her cry, moan and shout angry words at our best friend – she really did call him every name under the sun. I’d never heard her swear so much, but heartbreak had unleashed a new side to her.
‘Right, I’m done.’ she said dramatically, hours later, picking herself up off the bed and stretching her face as she swept her hands over her cheeks, shaking her body as though she was shaking the stress away. ‘No more tears, that’s it. We’re going out.’