Once we knocked for him, they held hands straight away, confirming their couple status as Maddy bashfully smiled in my direction. I had no choice but to smile brightly back at her, like some crazily over-enthusiastic kid’s entertainer, before we silently continued our journey.
Once at school it was impossible to avoid the situation; even if they weren’t with me, it was all anybody wanted to talk about. Those who were in Paris wanted to share what they’d seen like it was some modern-day mythical tale, and those who weren’t wanted to know all about it – drinking up the details with surprise and awe as though it was the most romantic thing they’d ever heard.
Unsurprisingly, when I was with them it was worse. Walking around the school you could hear the whisperings of gossip as we passed – that and the sound of teenage hearts being crushed as they realized their heartthrob, Robert Miles, was off the market.
As soon as I walked through my front door that night, my mum was there, quizzing me about what had happened in Paris. She didn’t even give me time to take my school shoes off before words excitedly flew from her mouth.
‘Oi, you! Why didn’t you tell me about Robert and Maddy?’ she demanded. ‘Her mum called today and was saying how Maddy’s been non-stop talking about him since she got back – Carol said that Robert’s been the same!’
‘Oh, I just …’ I started with a shrug, leaning down under the pretence of undoing my shoelaces, but actually trying to hide my face, unable to keep up the cheery façade any longer. I had to let the smile that had been frozen to my cheeks all day drop. I was exhausted.
‘Who’d have thought it. I mean, I didn’t see it coming. I expect they look cute together, though …’
I burst out crying then, failed to hold it back any longer. Sobbed into my worn-out leather shoes as my mum awkwardly hugged me from above, letting every ounce of emotion I’d held inside me since their first kiss, the regret and sorrow, spill its way out of me. I couldn’t remember ever crying in that way before; even when my dad upped and left, it wasn’t as bad as that. It was like I’d lost all control.
Mum said nothing for a good five minutes. It must have shocked her to see her teenage son in such a fragile state, so different from the jovial, carefree child she thought of me as. She just held me tightly into her skinny body, rocking me from side to side, shushing me whenever a fresh sob bubbled out of me. How ridiculous.
‘Sorry, Mum …’ I mumbled, slowly uncurling myself, leaning against the hallway wall for support.
‘Don’t be daft. Want to talk about it?’ she asked, gently rubbing my arm.
‘It’s nothing. It’s just …’ I sighed as fresh tears sprang to my eyes, the loss of restraint irritating me. ‘I’m such a dick.’
‘Oi!’ she reprimanded, gently slapping me on the arm.
‘Sorry,’ I mumbled.
‘I get it, Benny,’ she said, placing her hand under my chin and raising my face so that I was looking at her. ‘You guys have been friends since you were little – three peas in a pod. You’re worried that if them two get together you’ll be left out. Or, if things go pear-shaped, like they did with me and your dad, that you might lose one of them.’
I hadn’t even thought of it like that, but I didn’t want to tell Mum the truth. I didn’t want to tell her that the possible love of my life had kissed our mutual best friend, and that because they had kissed it meant I was unlikely to have my own chance with her.
‘It’ll be okay, darling. You’ll see.’
‘Will it, though?’
‘Ben, sometimes life chucks these things in your way and you just have to go for it. No questions asked.’
‘Isn’t that what Dad did? Act on his feelings and not give a toss about us?’
‘Robert and Maddy aren’t your dad,’ she said calmly, not showing any sign that my words had hurt her, but that was Mum all over. She was, hands down, the strongest woman I’d ever known. She didn’t crumble when the love of her life walked out on her, she just got on with it. It’s only growing up that I realized she wasn’t really left with any other choice, she couldn’t give up – she had me to look after. ‘They’re two young people, without any baggage, who’ve discovered they like each other,’ she continued. ‘Do you realize how brave it is of those two to do this?’
I looked down at the red rug on the floor, concentrating on the loose bits of fabric the cat had scratched up, willing the conversation to end so that I could go up to my room and sulk.