I was taking on that adventure with a mixture of people that the tour company had bundled together – a few travellers who’d been to almost all the same places as I had, an older couple from Canada who’d decided, after years of working hard, to stop and go see the world, and an English family with two sons who were a little younger than me. Our trek guide was a short tubby man called William, a local from Peru with limited English, meaning that, although he was eager to please, it wasn’t always possible to get the information we craved. For instance, I’d heard many different theories about why Machu Picchu was built and who for and had loads of questions about it – but each time I queried him I ended up more confused. From what I understood, Machu Picchu had been built in the fifteenth century for the Incas to live in, a sacred place built by the people to show their devotion to their kings.
The walk getting there was mind-clearing enough. Even though our bags were carried by donkeys, it was still a struggle. The altitude made it difficult to walk more than five minutes before it swooped in and took your breath away, and when that wasn’t an issue our legs occasionally went stiff from the number of stairs we had to scramble our way up. The plus side was that it forced us to stop and take a look at the surroundings.
I’d seen photos. I knew what Machu Picchu was going to look like, but as I climbed up the final uneven steps of the Inca trail and crossed through the Sun Gates to see it for the first time, I was overcome with emotion. Perhaps it was the exhaustion that made me feel that way, but I found myself having to walk away from the group to shed a few tears.
It was the first time in over five months that I felt part of a group and not a lone traveller. Yes, there were moments when I’d spend a few days with people here and there – but being on the Inca Trail gave the group a sense of unity. We were travelling towards something and did our best to help each other get there. It made me miss home. Miss Robert and Maddy and being a part of our team.
As I sat at the mountain’s peak, overlooking the vast number of buildings that had been erected by worshippers who died to make their Inca kings happy, I thought of my two best friends. It hurt that Maddy had distanced herself so much from me and that I was becoming more of a stranger to her than someone she confided in. It was my own fault that things had become that way, but I missed her. I missed having her as a best friend to chat to every day. And as for Robert, I’d always felt like I owed him so much for always being there for me, but instead of repaying him I betrayed him. In many ways I’d started to wish that I could take the last few years back – transport us back to the days of innocence, when everything was far less complicated.
I was twenty-one when I drunkenly told Maddy I loved her. The way I acted following that showed my lack of maturity at the time. I should have talked to her and explained how I felt, not just acted out. I dread to think how I’d look back at the whole thing in my old age, with further years of worldly wisdom to draw upon. I wondered whether I’d cheer at myself for acting on impulse and seizing the moment, or reprimand myself for betraying a friend and acting so foolishly. I had a feeling it would be the latter.
I’d already known there was no way that I was ever going to get the girl, but hearing that she was getting married, that she’d be forever out of my reach, hurt. She’d agreed to marry Robert. No matter how she felt about me, the fact she’d said ‘yes’ to being his wife told me everything I needed to know.
I needed to forgive myself for the things I could not change, and move forward in the hope of salvaging the best friendship and love I’d ever known.
I wanted my friends back.
Paris served us well once and, as you are sitting here now you will know that it served us well a second time. I can’t tell you how honoured I am to be married to the most wonderful woman in the world. Kathryn and Greg, I promise I’ll take good care of her. And Maddy, I promise that from now on I will bring you home flowers for no reason at all, I will run you baths and I will tell you just how gorgeous you look.
So please, join me in raising a glass to my beautiful wife. The Bride.
Maddy
Twenty-six years old …
It’s quite impossible to move forward and tell yourself that you’re doing the right thing when everything seems to be making you question it. Weddings make you think for a start (and I’d been to two that year), as do love songs on the radio, romantic films or crazy dreams full of wacky scenarios and flashbacks – highly unhelpful. I thought of Ben a lot in the lead-up to my wedding. More than I should have.