She immediately puts her hand on my thigh. ‘Are you OK?’
The shock of having another human being touch me makes me instantly look at her hand. For a second my intoxicated mind believes it is Dahlia’s sweet hand. It is the thigh scratch. My confused gaze flies up to the face that goes with the hand. And there it is: the invitation to fuck. As clear as daylight.
Do I want to fuck?
Yes.
It must have shown in my face because she moves closer. Her perfume hits me, foreign and thick, and suddenly I am nauseated. Sick to my stomach. I stand up unsteadily. I want to fuck, but not you. I want my Dahlia.
She stands too. ‘Are you all right?’
I wave my hand at her. ‘I’m fine.’
I weave through the crowd, pushing people out of the way. I don’t belong here. I need to get back. I need to keep watch. She may open her eyes and not find me there. I need to get back. I reach the door, and Noah grabs my shoulder.
‘Come on,’ he says. ‘Let’s get you home.’
I look into his eyes. ‘Yeah, take me home.’
I slump at the back of the Merc with my hands over my eyes. I don’t know how much longer I can hold on. I can’t go on like this. Something’s got to give. The car lurches, and my head hits the side of the door.
God, I’m such a fucking mess.
The car stops and I stumble out. Noah tries to help me but I push him away. Yuri has the front door open and I sway past him. I go down the corridor and open the door to her room. The nurse is reading a book by the lamp. When she sees me, she immediately puts the book down and stands up.
‘Go now,’ I tell her harshly.
Quietly, she goes past me. I take a few steps into the room and look at my little fish lying on her bed. Fuck, it never fails to amaze me how perfectly still she sleeps. Even if I watch her for hours she will never move a muscle, and yet I know she is in there. I walk up to her still body. I am glad for the silence. I used to hate the eerie rasp of the ventilator. I love watching her breathing. It means she is alive. I touch her face.
‘Wake up, little fish. Please. Wake up.’
She doesn’t open her eyes. Something tears inside me. I gently push the blanket covering her. She is dressed in a soft loose cotton shirt. I lift it up. She is wearing a diaper. Gently, I undo it. It is clean. The skin around the tops of her thighs is without redness or rashes. Good. The nurses have instructions to check her diaper and turn her once every hour to ensure she never gets bedsores.
I stare at her pubic area. The hair has grown back. It is not trimmed or clean-shaven as she sometimes used to have it. Strange, how totally unerotic it looks. In my head I can hear that nurse say, ‘Sometimes when we brush their teeth or shave them they will open their eyes.’
Maybe.
I look at her sleeping face.
Tenderly, I spread her legs and put my tongue into the damp slit. No one sees me. Not even the moon. As soon as my tongue touches her soft flesh my eyes begin to fill with tears. Oh shit. What the fuck am I doing? Tears pour down my face as I lick her. She doesn’t even taste the same anymore.
Wake up, Dahlia. Wake up.
She doesn’t become wetter. She doesn’t wake up, and I just feel worse than the most disgusting pervert. I fix the diaper back and cover her with the blanket. I kiss her cheek.
‘I love you, little fish. I really, really do,’ I whisper.
She makes no response.
‘OK, sleep well. I’ll see you in the morning.’
I lurch away from the bed and open the door. Immediately, the nurse gets up from her chair. She goes into the room and closes the door. I trudge upstairs and lie on my bed, but I can’t sleep. I am filled with an indescribable restlessness. Eventually, I get out of bed and go to the cupboard. Inside a drawer I find the box. I open it and take the male masturbator out. ‘For when I am not here,’ she said.
Oh, Dahlia.
I lie on the bed propped up against the pillows. I apply the lube and switch on the gadget. I think of myself licking her, not the way she was today, but the way she was when she first came to me. She had been so full of life and as proud as a queen. God, how different I would have been if I had known then what I know now. If only I’d known how little time there was.
The machine whirls softly. In my head I part her thighs and enter her delicious body. She writhes and moans in ecstasy.
‘Fuck me hard, Zane. Fuck me.’
Her eyes are closed. Her body is arched. I take her nipple in my mouth and she groans with pleasure.
‘Come inside me, Zane. Fill me with your hot cum.’
I climax hard, my body jerking, crying out for her.
For some time I lie there, too exhausted and defeated to do anything. Then I take the masturbator off and clean myself. I crawl under the duvet and try to sleep. Tomorrow. Maybe tomorrow she will open her beautiful chartreuse eyes.