I fill our glasses and we clink glasses.
‘Hot men,’ we say in unison and giggling like two naughty schoolgirls let the bubbles slide down our throats.
‘Oh God, yes. Mmmm … Heaven,’ Stella moans and rapidly flutters her eyelashes to indicate just how blissed she is with the taste.
‘Come on tell me how your date went.’
She pulls a face. ‘Ugh … he was an insufferable idiot.’
‘Really? What did he do?’
She leans in. ‘He asked me out to a restaurant and proceeded to gobble up everything in sight including my leftovers. I swear he was like a bloody turkey. When he was not eating he was boasting about himself. Brag, brag, brag. How much money he had. How good he was at his job. How much property he owned. God, you should have heard him. Anyone would have thought I was sitting with Warren Buffet.’
I smile at her.
‘Honestly, I’ve come to the conclusion every father should tell his son what my granddad told my brother. When a man starts bragging he’s compensating for something small between his legs. The consequence of that small heart to heart between my granddad and brother is: my brother never brags.’
She pauses to take a sip.
‘Then, when this turkey had just about talked my head off he called for the bill and started tapping and fumbling about in every pocket he could find on himself.
So I was sitting there watching him and,’ she taps her hair, ‘you know the brain underneath all this pretty, was going, oooo this guy must think I fell off an Irish turnip truck.’
I start giggling. I can almost picture the scene.
‘After he had tapped the shit of all his pockets he looked at me all innocent and astonished and told me he must have left his wallet in the side pocket of his car door. Then came the big ask: would I be so kind as to get the meal first and he would see me all right later? Mind you, it wasn’t like it was an expensive place or anything.’
‘What did you do?’ I ask her.
‘I looked him in the eye smiled really seductively and said, “You run along and get your wallet and I’ll wait right for you, honey.”
‘Wow, you’re really brave to call him out like that. If someone did that to me, I’d just pay for the meal and never take his calls again.’
‘No way. I’m a pretty laid back person, somebody calls me a bitch and I’m like, true, but I’m not down with what he did. Paying for that meal would have been encouraging him to go out and do that to another poor girl. It was a matter of principle,’ she says firmly.
‘And just in case he was planning on doing a runner, I scratched the inside of his thigh and told him I had something super special planned for him when we got back to my place. To seal the deal I looked at him as if he was going to get the best damn sex of his life.’
‘Stop, you’re killing me,’ I say.
‘What a blinking idiot. He actually thought he could stiff me with the bill. I mean, I’m all for women’s lib and everything.’
She takes a sip of champagne.
‘I hate a man opening a door for me as much as the next girl. Not. But for fucks sake don’t invite me out for dinner and then pretend you’ve left your wallet in the car.’
‘So did he come back with his wallet?’
‘Of course he did. He was out of that restaurant like a bat out o hell and back in six minutes.’ She toggles her eyebrows meaningfully. You have no idea how powerful my thigh scratch is.’
‘So he drove you home …’
‘At breakneck speed.’
‘And then?’
‘And then … I got out of the car and told him the next time he decides to be such a cheapskate he should just suck his own dick.’
Seven
Dahlia Fury
‘Well, you must teach me that thigh scratch of yours,’ I tell Stella when I stop laughing.
She looks at me with bright, inquisitive eyes. ‘Why? It doesn’t look like you need me to teach you anything.’
To my surprise I flush bright red.
Scenting good gossip, she leans forward eagerly. ‘Oh my God! Look at you. You’re redder than my hair. I want to know everything that’s going on with you.’
‘It’s just hot in here,’ I say taking a gulp of champagne.
‘Oh no, you don’t get off so easy,’ she threatens. ‘I’ll be needing details. You know, stuff like measurements, girth, frequency of emissions. The lot!’
‘I thought you didn’t want to know.’
‘Well that was before I quit making a fool of myself.’
‘Huh?’
‘Yeah. I suddenly realized that Zane and you hooking up was the best thing that happened to me. You were right all along when you told me to let it go and move on. I can’t believe I let myself get so down over him. For fucks sake the guy didn’t even know I existed and there I was wasting my life away waiting for him to notice me. Me? Super duper delicious me. It was almost as if I was under a spell. And now when I look back I’m like …’ she pulls back as if in horror. ‘I did that.’ She jerks even further back. ‘I said that.’ Then she slaps herself comically. ‘God, I was such a sad bitch I want to send myself a sympathy card.’