‘Yes, let’s.’
We don’t walk far. Both of us turning back as soon as we reach the end of the lane that leads into the forest. When we come back, dinner is ready and we eat it—well, push it around our plates—on the roof terrace in strained silence. Afterwards, we go upstairs, fuck like animals, and fall asleep entwined in each other’s arms.
The last thing I hear is his voice whispering in my ear, ‘God, if anything ever happened to you.’
I wake up in the early hours of the morning. One of the windows is open and a light breeze is coming in. Very quietly I get out of bed, slipping my nightgown over my head as I head for the nursery. The curtains are open and it’s bathed in moonlight. I open one of the tall windows and sit on the deep ledge with my legs dangling out. Down below the rose bushes are in full bloom. Their heads are so big they look like cabbages in the dark. In the distance the enormous weeping willow is very still. Its sad branches trailing on the ground.
I hear a noise behind me. I don’t turn around.
‘Can’t sleep?’ he asks.
I shake my head. He comes and stands behind me and I feel the heat from his body.
‘I don’t think I like you sitting on the ledge like that. You could fall.’
I look up at him. In the moonlight his face looks like it is carved out of mahogany.
‘I won’t,’ I tell him quietly.
He sits next to me, but faces the room. I turn my head and look into his eyes.
‘It’s already tomorrow. We need to talk, Layla.’
‘OK, let’s talk.’
‘We need a second opinion. I’ve made an appointment tomorrow afternoon with a specialist, an oncologist. He’s the best in England.’
‘I see.’
‘If he confirms the diagnosis then we’ll go ahead with the termination immediately and begin your treatment.’
I drop my head.
‘Layla?’
I look up. ‘And you’re all right with us never having children?’
He does not hesitate. ‘Yes.’ His voice is very clear.
‘I’m not,’ I say.
‘Then we will adopt. There are enough children around crying out for a good home.’
He has everything figured out. I touch his dear face. ‘I’m not terminating the baby, BJ.’
THIRTY-FOUR
Layla
He becomes still under my hand. ‘What the fuck are you talking about?’
I take my hand away from his face and hug myself. ‘I’m not giving up my baby. He’s perfectly healthy and it’s not fair that he should lose his life just because I am ill.’
He stands suddenly and begins to pace. I retract my legs and turn to face him. He stops in front of me. His face is pale. There’s a white line around his lips. He is furious. He looks like he wants to shake me.
‘You don’t seem to get it. If you have this baby you’re going to die, Layla.’
‘Could die,’ I correct.
He throws his hands up in disbelief. ‘Were you not in the doctor’s office with me? Did you not hear the terminology he used? Aggressively malignant. A risk not worth taking. Placental abruption. Pregnancy will not survive.’
‘Then let it terminate on its own. Murdering my own child goes against every instinct and belief I have. I couldn’t do that and carry on living.’
He is so shocked he takes a step back. ‘Jesus, Layla. This is not murder. It’s a fetus, yet unborn. It has no concept of being alive. It only exists. You on the other hand are alive and loved by so many people, living a charmed life.’
‘Are you telling me that life can go on being charmed for me after I kill my child? Can you promise that I won’t wake up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night because I’ve heard my baby crying? Or that for the rest of my life I won’t be wondering what he would have grown up to be?’
He stares at me in open-mouthed horror.
‘How will I ever stop mourning for my innocent child if I am the one who caused his death? It will be a bloody stain on my soul.’
‘In that case, you don’t need to make this decision. I will. Let it be a stain on my soul.’
I stand up and walk to him. ‘This baby belongs to us, but at this moment it is in my body, and I’ll defend it to my last breath.’
‘Do you really believe that this child will grow up happy knowing that it killed its own mother?’
‘No, he will grow up feeling that his mother loved him so much she gave up her life so that he could live. What a beautiful thought to carry through life. What richness!’
‘I cannot believe what you are saying. You’re really are just a spoilt child who wants what she wants, after all. Damn the consequences for everyone else,’ he accuses brutally.