You Don't Own Me(122)

‘The treatment for cancer and hyperplasia to the extent I saw on the ultrasound,’ the doctor continues, ‘is immediate hysterectomy to stage and figure out the prognosis.’

‘A hysterectomy?’ I gasp.

The doctor shifts uncomfortably. ‘I’m afraid so.’

‘You want to take her womb out?’ BJ repeats in disbelief. ‘What the fuck! She’s 23 years old, for the love of God!’

‘I’m sorry,’ the doctor says lamely.

BJ lunges forward suddenly. ‘If you say you’re sorry one more fucking time, I swear, I’ll give you something to be sorry about. This is a mistake, pure and simple.’

The doctor’s eyes bulge with fear. He leans backwards and places his hands on the armrests of his chair, as if he is getting ready to bolt. ‘I know you are very upset, but I have personally gone through all the results and I can assure you, Mr. Pilkington, that there is no mistake.’

I glance at BJ and I see by his crushed expression that he knows the doctor is telling the truth. BJ has used violence to solve every problem in his life. He has never encountered a scenario that he couldn’t win using brute force alone. But for the first time his fists are of no use. He is totally helpless. And it scares him.

‘Is there another way? A way to save the baby?’ I whisper.

‘I’m very sor—.’ The doctor stops mid-word and glances nervously at BJ. ‘I’m afraid there is no way to save your baby. I must recommend immediate termination of the pregnancy.’

‘What happens if I don’t do anything?’

BJ has fallen eerily silent. He is cradling his head in his hands.

The doctor frowns. ‘First of all you will be greatly endangering your own life. It’s not a risk that’s worth taking since the lack of room will mean your placenta will be on your cervix. With the weight of the baby and the tumor, you would be at a high risk for a placental abruption.’

I exhale the breath I was holding. ‘What is that?’ I ask.

‘It’s when the placenta peels away from the inner wall of the uterus before delivery. It deprives the baby of oxygen and causes heavy bleeding in the mother. It can be fatal to both mother and child.’

‘I still want a second opinion,’ BJ says with a deadly calm that’s more frightening than his furious outburst before.

The doctor nods calmly. ‘I have already arranged for your wife to see the head of OB and a maternal fetal specialist at 9:00 the day after tomorrow. They’ll do another ultrasound with better equipment and they will also perform an ultrasound biopsy.’

‘Is the ultrasound biopsy safe for my baby?’ I ask.

The doctor looks pained. ‘They will be able to stay away from the baby and the sac, but the chances for a spontaneous miscarriage afterwards exist. I would recommend an immediate termination.’

I stand up abruptly. ‘All right. Thank you, doctor,’ I say, and look down at BJ.

He gazes up at me. He looks so confused and lost I want to take him to my breast. He stands slowly. It’s obvious he is not ready to leave, as if discussing it further could change anything.

We walk out of the doctor’s office and cross the car park like two survivors of a war. Hanging on to each other. Seeing nothing around us. Shell-shocked. Devastated. BJ unlocks the car and opens the passenger door for me. I slide into the seat in silence. He gets in, closes the door, and puts the keys in the ignition, but does not start the engine.

I turn to him. He looks as dazed and bewildered as the moths that fly into light bulbs and fall to the floor, lying on their backs, they slowly wheel their legs into the arms of death.

‘Can you believe it?’ I ask.

‘Oh, baby,’ he croaks. ‘I think I just need to hold you for a second.’

I throw myself at him and sob my heart out in the bleak hospital car park.

We drive home in heavy silence, both of us locked in our own pain. When we reach our home, I stare ahead of me blankly. I simply cannot summon the energy to open the car door and go into the house.

He opens my door and holds his hand out to me. With a sigh I put my hand in his and let him haul me upright.

Mrs. Roberts from next door meets us on the pavement.

‘Are you all right, dear?’

I nod automatically. ‘Thank you. Yes.’

She stares at us with a baffled expression as BJ helps me up the steps. He opens the door and we enter our silent home.

‘Do you want to lie down for a bit, babe?’ he asks me.

I nod. ‘Yes, that’s a good idea. But can I have a glass of water first?’

‘Of course.’ He seems glad to be of use. I watch him stride away towards the kitchen. Thank god it is Nora’s, my housekeeper, day off. I couldn’t bear to see anyone else. BJ comes back with a glass of water and I drink it all and give him the empty glass. He puts it on the nearest surface and comes back to me.