‘Dr. Freedman would like to see you and your husband as soon as possible.’
Alarm bells start ringing in my head. I clutch the receiver with both hands. ‘Why?’ My voice is a frightened whisper.
‘I’m afraid I’m not at liberty to say. But it is urgent that both your husband and you attend his surgery immediately.’
‘What’s wrong with my baby?’
‘I’m sorry, Mrs. Pilkington, but I am just passing on a message. I have two appointment slots available.’
‘Give me the first one.’
‘Can you make it at two o’clock today?’
I swallow. Today! They want me to come in today! Shit! How urgent is this situation? I feel cold inside. ‘Yes. My husband is busy all day. Can I come alone?’
‘I’m afraid you have to come with your husband,’ she insists.
‘All right, we’ll come in together.’ My voice is a scared, foreign whisper.
‘Good. I’ll book you in.’
I don’t run straight away to tell BJ. No, no, I won’t frighten him unnecessarily. Suddenly I feel protective of him. He is so big and powerful, but I know that, on the inside, he would suffer far more than me. Mentally and emotionally, I am the stronger one. I will not show him my fear. Maybe it is nothing. Or maybe it is just a little thing.
She had sounded so serious though.
I touch my belly. Whatever it is, we will see it through. I walk into the kitchen and look around me. Everything looks the same. But it’s as bewildering as a dream landscape. Perhaps I am still asleep. I blink and take a large breath. My hand flies up to my mouth to shut off the scream that wants to escape.
I walk to the island and I have the distinct sensation of weightlessness, as if I can float away like a helium balloon. I grab hold of the edge of the granite counter. I am gripping it so hard my knuckles show white. I stare at them with fascination. I am in such a state of shock I can’t actually think. My mind is a complete blank. I take another deep breath and exhale noisily. It could be a mistake. That must be it. It happens all the time. I cling to the thought.
‘It’s most probably a mistake,’ I whisper to myself.
I walk to the phone and dial Jake’s number. He’s always solved all my problems for me. I listen to the blurred sound of the rings in a daze. I terminate the call at the third ring and put the phone back down on the table. It’s silly to call him. I’ll call him when I know more.
‘Oh God!’
Did they detect an abnormality during the scan? I wrap my arms around my stomach. Tears gather in my eyes and spill down my cheeks. ‘I love you. I don’t care if you are disabled or anything. I’m here for you. You chose me and I chose you. No matter what, you are coming into this fucked up world.’
A smile comes to my face.
‘You’re coming into this family, boy,’ I say fiercely. Strange how loud and strong my voice has become. ‘Nothing. Nothing is going to stop you from being born. I’ll protect you with my dying breath,’ I promise.
I go to the mirror and wipe my eyes. I smile at my reflection.
‘Are you with me?’ the melodious voice of Lost Frequencies asks.
‘Yeah, I’m with you. I’m your mother. I’ll always be with you no matter what. Come, let’s go tell Daddy that you are super special.’
I walk along the corridor and stop in front of the gym. I pause and compose myself. When I open the door, BJ turns to look at me. His face is instantly concerned. I never disturb him while he is training. He puts the dumb bells he is working with down.
‘What’s up?’
I start walking towards him and immediately his large strides eat the distance between us and he envelops me in his arms.
‘What’s wrong?’ he asks with a frown.
I attempt to smile, but from the expression on his face, I don’t think I pull it off. ‘The hospital called. There might be something wrong with our …,’ I take a deep breath and, though I try to hold the tears back, my eyes fill up, ‘…baby.’
‘What?’ He stares at me, his eyes wide and blank with horror.
I start to babble, the words hurried and stumbling over each other. ‘It’s all right. I think I’m all right with it. He’s come to the right home. You and I will love him more than any other mummy or daddy, right?’
‘What the fuck are you talking about?’ he asks. He is white under his tan and he is staring at me as if he has never looked at me properly before.
The tears start running freely down my face. ‘There’s something wrong with our baby.’
‘No,’ he snarls and pulls me into his arms. He holds me so tight I make a strangled sound. He lets go of me instantly. ‘Sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you,’ he whispers.