You Don't Own Me(112)

His face closes over. ‘What do you want me to say, Layla?’

‘I want you to give it up. I want you to give it up, because if you don’t, I will never, ever feel secure.’

‘It’s what I am, Layla.’

‘No, it’s not what you are. It’s what you do.’

He covers his face with his hands, rubbing them upwards towards his head. ‘What if I say I can’t stop? Will you leave me?’

I drop my head, because I don’t want him to see how crushed and disappointed I am. If he had asked for something that was important to him, I would have moved heaven and earth to give it to him. It means all his words are empty and meaningless. He doesn’t truly love me. Not the way I do.

‘Well?’ he prompts.

I clear my face of the pain I am feeling and look up. ‘No,’ I say dully. ‘I won’t leave you.’

‘What if I said that I’ve already taken steps to get out of that business?’

I hardly dare believe it. ‘You have?’

He nods. ‘Don’t you know? I’d do anything for you. Anything.’

The joy I feel is what I imagine being hit by very mild lightning must be like. I feel my skin tingle and my entire body wants to shake, jump, and dance around. ‘You can’t imagine how crushed and sad I was when you said you couldn’t do it.’

‘Good,’ he says and laughs, and I decide that now is the best time to give a little of my bad news.

‘By the way,’ I say as casually as I can, ‘Jake wants us to have a commitment ceremony.’

‘A fucking what?’

I nod, trying to keep the amusement from my face. ‘You heard correctly.’

‘You better be kidding me …’

I shake my head slowly, not daring to say another word, laughter bubbling inside me.

‘The paranoid motherfucker.’

The laugher spews forth.

‘You’re enjoying this aren’t you?’ he accuses.

‘I have to drink the brew too, you know.’

‘So what are you laughing about, then?’

‘If you could see your face.’

‘When does he want this ceremony to take place?’

‘Tomorrow night. It’s a full moon. Good for spells.’

‘Oh for fuck’s sake. I don’t believe this shit. Did he have one with Lily?’

‘That’s exactly what I asked him.’

‘And what did he say?’

‘He said Lily isn’t his sister, but if she was he would have insisted on it.’

He shakes his head in wonder. ‘Let me see if I’ve got this right. We sit inside a circle at some outdoor location and make promises to each other in front of some shaman.’

‘And drink a potion.’

His eyes narrow suspiciously. ‘Exactly what’s in the brew?’

I chew my lower lip. ‘I think articles of our used clothing, animal lung of some sort, definitely liver, fat, and probably salt. It’s usually put into love charms to ensure the duration of the attachment.’

He folds his arms. ‘All right. If it makes you happy and you’re OK with it, then I am too.’

I laugh. ‘Actually, Jake says since I am pregnant I only need to have a very small sip. A taste were his exact words. You’ll have to drink most of it.’

‘I knew it,’ he bursts out. ‘This is to punish me, isn’t it?’

I’m dying to laugh. ‘A bit.’

‘Other men get a stag night with booze and strippers from their brother-in-law-to-be and I get this!’

‘We can get some strippers for the ceremony if you want.’

‘You find this all very funny, don’t you, Miss Eden?’

And I can no longer hold back the laughter. Eventually he laughs too. When we stop, he looks into my eyes and his voice is very serious. ‘Jake knows nothing. I’d walk over hot coals for you. Drinking fat, liver, and lung, I could do it every day for the rest of my life if it means having you.’

‘I love you, BJ Pilkington. I really, really do.’

‘By the way, can they make that article of clothing one of your used panties? It might make the lung, liver, and fat a bit more palatable.’

‘Oh, you disgusting man, Mr. Pilkington,’ I scold, but I am laughing and so crazy in love with him, I could pop him between two slices of bread and eat him for lunch.



Despite the fact that Jake glowers all through the commitment ceremony, it turns out to be something different and more precious than I imagined it to be. One day I will tell my grandchildren about it. BJ’s mother gives me an antique shawl. My mother gives me a gold chain with a sapphire pendant.

It’s a cold night and we all dress in warm clothing. The moon is very bright, hanging like a lantern in the sky as we drive out to a wooded area and walk to a clearing.