You Are Mine(132)

The weight on his chest turned into a mountain.” We can’t have that, Eva. That’s what I’m trying to tell you.”

“Why not?” She didn’t seem to care that people were glancing at them. That they were out in the open, in the middle of a public street. “Why can’t we? Shit, if it’s the Dom-sub stuff you’re worried about, I don’t care. I got off on what you did to me, you know that.”

“It’s not the Dom stuff.”

“Then what?” Something glittered in her eyes. It wasn’t pain, though that was there. It was something far more tangible. Something he’d never seen from her before. A tear. “I’m alone, Zac. I’ve always been alone, my whole goddamned life. My mother abandoned me, my father may well have done so, and then I was taken and I spent two years in that house alone.” The tear slid down her cheek and she made no effort to brush it away. “And I’m tired of it. I don’t want to be alone anymore. And … and I think you’re tired of it too. So what I’m saying … what I’m trying to say is … We don’t have to be alone anymore. Neither of us do. Not when we can have each other.”

The mountain broke his ribs. Crushed him flat.

She didn’t understand. Being alone was the ultimate in control, the ultimate in power. He was master of himself and he answered to no one. Cared for no one. And that was the best part of all because then there was no vulnerability, no helplessness.

He couldn’t give that up, especially after what had happened in front of Fitzgerald. Emotions were a weakness he couldn’t afford.

Not even for her.

It hurt. But then punishments weren’t supposed to be easy.

He made sure none of the agony he told himself he didn’t feel showed on his face, kept his voice level. Calm. The Dom in charge. “Yes, you’re right. We could have that. But you’re missing one thing, angel.”

“What thing?”

“I don’t want what you want.” He said it gently. Clearly. “I’ve come to terms with being alone. I like it. It’s easier. And I’m afraid that’s the way it has to be.”

Another tear slid down her cheek. “I don’t know what’s worse. The fact that you’re lying to yourself or you’re lying to me.”

“I’m not lying. It’s the truth.”

“Zac—”

“This is your seventh punishment, angel. “

She blinked. “What? What do you mean?”

“You had one more, remember?”

“But—”

“Absence, Eva. I get to leave you alone. The way you left me alone.”

Her cheeks were wet, the tears in her eyes painting them bright silver. Like mirrors. Reflecting his own agony back at him.

Unnecessary, you bastard.

Perhaps. But it was better to be sure she knew there was no hope. Cruel to be kind. One day, she’d understand that.

She looked away, brushing one hand across her face, wiping away her tears. And he had to clench his fists tighter in order to stop from wiping them away himself.

“Okay,” she said thickly. “If that’s the way you want it. But just remember this, Zac Rutherford.” She turned back and took a step toward him, the look on her face suddenly fierce. “I’m not Theresa. I will never leave you. I will never leave because I love you.”

The words vibrated in the air as if they had power. Magic.

I love you.

He found he couldn’t move. She’d turned him to stone. If only he hadn’t cared, it wouldn’t have hurt …

“You should trust me,” Eva said quietly. “You should.”

He didn’t understand. Trust her? With what? And what the hell did that have to do with love? With Theresa?

For one long, intense minute she stared at him and as if she was expecting a response.

But he couldn’t speak. There was nothing he could say.

Abruptly Eva turned on her heel and left him standing there.

* * *

Eva approached the door to the usual Second Circle rooms and stopped. It was open a crack and she could see that Gabriel and Honor were already there. They were standing close together in front of the fire—which had been lit. Gabriel was cupping Honor’s face in his large hands, looking down at her, an impossibly tender look on his face.

It was obviously a deeply private moment and it rooted Eva to the spot. She couldn’t drag her gaze away from them. From the look on Gabriel’s face. From the way Honor’s fingers had risen to cover his. From the aura of closeness and intimacy that surrounded them.

Something she would never have.

She jerked herself away as Gabriel bent to kiss Honor, turning to lean against the wall beside the door, giving them some space.