You And Me, Always(53)

‘Wow.' Lily was staring at him, incredulous. ‘Why? Why did you say that to him?'

Oh, the crawling shame. Not just of having done it, but of revealing his own behaviour to Lily.

‘I don't know. I guess I just didn't like him that much. He was quiet  and awkward and I used to catch him looking at me. He used to watch you  too, all the time. It creeped me out a bit.' It had actually creeped him  out a lot. ‘I suppose I thought it would either force him to go ahead  and do it and make him more interesting, or get him to leave our group.  Which most of us would have been happy about.'

Lily was frowning. ‘But  …  I never heard you say anything mean to him.'

‘I didn't. Apart from that day. I just came out with the challenge on  the way down there and wondered what he'd do. I actually thought he'd  chicken out.' Dan shook his head. ‘Obviously I wasn't expecting it to  end the way it did.'

‘And Kyle never said anything. I visited him in hospital and he never told me.'

‘He didn't say a word to anyone,' Dan agreed. ‘I knew it was my fault.  He knew it was my fault. And I've felt guilty about it ever since.'

‘Poor Kyle. I wonder what happened to him.'

‘I know, I've thought about that too.'

‘As bad things go, that's a pretty good one, though,' said Lily.

‘Thanks.'

‘I haven't done anything like that.'

‘Clearly not. If you had, it might make it easier for you to understand how it feels.'

‘OK, see that little bit of rope dangling up there? Climb up and swing  from it,' said Lily. ‘Then let go and land on those rocks. I'm ordering  you to do it.'

‘You're joking,' Dan told her, ‘but I'm serious. I think you should do something you'd feel guilty about.'

Lily bit into a ripe strawberry and thought for a moment. ‘Don't make me  go shoplifting. I won't do it. God, imagine getting arrested.'

‘Hang on, you've got a-' Dan stopped himself as the thought struck him.  He'd been about to tell her the ladybird was now tightwalking its way  along her narrow pink bra strap. Stunned, he let this new thought rattle  and swoop through his brain like a micro-rollercoaster. OK, this was  something he genuinely hadn't planned in advance, but would Lily believe  him? And should he do it?

More to the point, did he dare to do it? And if he did, what would it do to him?

‘I've got a what?' Lily was still waiting for him to finish the original  sentence. She peered down at her front, then wiped the corners of her  mouth once more.

‘Here, let me.' Sliding closer and half sitting up so the arm he'd been  supporting himself on was now free, Dan carefully coaxed the ladybird  off the satin strap with his thumb and nudged it into the palm of his  hand.                       
       
           



       

‘Oh no, you can't be serious.' Lily was shaking her head. ‘I'm not killing a ladybird. Don't ask me to do that.'

Despite himself, Dan started to laugh. The way her mind worked never  failed to entertain him. ‘I'm not asking you to murder a ladybird.'

‘Oh. Well, good.'

As if it had had quite enough of this kind of dangerous talk, the ladybird spread its wings and flew off.

And now Dan was no longer laughing. His heart was bumping crazily  against his ribcage at the prospect of what he was about to do. He'd  known Lily long enough and well enough to know for sure that she'd never  been unfaithful to a boyfriend.

For a start, there hadn't been that many of them.

Secondly, it simply wasn't in her nature to be underhand. It would never occur to her to even be tempted.

‘OK,' said Lily. ‘What are you thinking?'

She was still lying on her back with her hair spread across the grass  beneath her head. Dan sat at her side, gazing down and breathing in the  faint fresh scent of her shampoo. ‘How about if I ask you to do  something that wouldn't get you arrested?'

‘Like what?'

‘How are things going with you and Eddie?'

‘Great,' said Lily.

‘Where is he now?'

‘That's a stupid question. You know where he is. New Zealand.'

‘And you'd never cheat on him. You just wouldn't, I know that too.'

Lily pulled a what-are-you-on-about face. ‘No, of course I wouldn't.'

‘OK, so  …  how about if you kissed someone else?' Dan looked at her. ‘Would that make you feel guilty?'

‘Yes.'

‘It wouldn't have to wreck your relationship, though. And he'd never  know about it. You wouldn't tell him, and nor would the other person,  who you know you can absolutely trust. It would just be between the two  of you. Completely private.'

He could see the pulse flickering at the base of her throat, the sheen  of her skin there, the movement of her neck as she swallowed. Then her  gaze locked back on him and she said, ‘So you're saying it's something I  could do that would make me feel ashamed of myself and then I'd  understand what it felt like to have done a bad thing.'

‘That's pretty much it. Seems like a logical plan to me.' He smiled fractionally.

The silence stretched between them. High above their heads, birds were  singing to each other in the trees, and from across the lake came the  sound of a car driving up through the village. Closer to hand, a bee  buzzed amongst the clumps of wild celandines and dog roses.

Finally, her voice husky and barely above a whisper, Lily said, ‘It's  not just Eddie who mustn't know. You have to promise not to tell anyone  else.' She swallowed again. ‘Anyone at all.'

Oh God, it was going to happen, it was actually going to happen.

‘I promise.' Dan nodded slowly. ‘And you know you can trust me.'

‘Go on then.' Her dark eyes huge, her breathing uneven, Lily reached up and lightly touched the side of his face. ‘Let's do it.'

He lowered his mouth to hers, hesitated for a second a millimetre above  it, then closed his eyes and made the first contact. His lips brushed  against hers and he felt her tremble  …  which was quite a feat  considering the amount of turmoil engulfing his own body right now.

Oh, but this was something he'd longed to do  –  had dreamt of doing  –  for  so many years. Was it any wonder his hormones had gone into overdrive?  He was kissing Lily, properly kissing her at last, and the reality of it  was every bit as dizzying as he'd hoped. Her lips were soft, she tasted  of summer and strawberries, and her fingers were sliding around the  back of his neck  …

It was a mind-blowing experience, and one Dan knew he'd never forget as  long as he lived. Two weeks ago, in the kitchen of Goldstone House, he'd  held and reassured her and it had felt fantastic, but this was up to a  whole stratospheric new level. It wasn't perfect, what with one arm  still being strapped into a sling, but imagine what it would be like if  he had both hands free  …

OK, it hadn't been nearly enough, but it was going to have to do, seeing  as this so-called exercise was meant to be for Lily's benefit, not his  own. It almost killed Dan to kiss her for one last second then ease  away, but he somehow managed it.

For a long moment it seemed as if the air was vibrating between them. He  looked at Lily, from her beautiful mouth to her even more beautiful  eyes, and waited for her to break the silence. What he wanted her to  say, of course, was, ‘That's it, I'm going to tell Eddie it's all over  …   you're the one I want to be with  …  it's you, it's always been you  … '                       
       
           



       

He held his breath, silently willing her to say it.

Oh God, and she was still gazing up at him. What was going through her mind?

‘Well, it worked,' Lily said at last, and there was a faint tremor in her voice.

‘It did? How are you feeling?'

‘Terrible.' She exhaled, then broke into a rueful smile. ‘Just awful.'

‘Why?' What he wanted was for her to shake her head in disbelief and say: ‘Because now I know how much I love you.'

She briefly closed her eyes, then opened them again. ‘Just like you  said. Because now I've done something I shouldn't have done. And it's  not fair on Eddie. I've betrayed him. He doesn't deserve that.'

Not the reply he'd been hoping for, to be honest, but probably the one  he'd expected. Oh well, the fantasy had been nice while it lasted.

‘Well that's good. So it's mission accomplished. We set out to make you  feel guilty, and now you do.' He could still feel the imprint of her  warm mouth on his, but the moment had passed; it was time to revert to  friendship mode. He shrugged and said flippantly, ‘That's what I call a  result.'