You And Me, Always(36)

Sean said, ‘And you've been recklessly damaging yourself ever since, desperate for Lily to show you some more sympathy.'

‘Believe it or not, I didn't do all this on purpose.' Dan glanced down at his injuries.

‘All this time,' Will marvelled, ‘and you've never once made a move.'

‘Never once.' Dan was already picturing the unfolding next scene.

‘Why not?' said Will.

‘I thought I'd hang fire for a bit, make sure the feelings were real. I  mean, really real. I couldn't take the risk of rushing into anything.  Plus I was about to head off to uni. I'd never waited before; it had  never even occurred to me. But this was Lily we were talking about. I  knew it was important. Everything had to be right.' Dan raked his  fingers through his hair. ‘It had to be completely right. Because if it  went wrong, our whole relationship would be ruined. So I waited until  the thirtieth of August.'

‘Nick's birthday,' said Sean, as Dan had known he would.

Dan nodded. ‘He was having one of his big parties to celebrate. Everyone  was invited. It was scary to think I was going to do it at last, but  exciting too. Until I was standing at the back of the marquee that  evening and I overheard Lily and her friend Amber talking outside the  tent. We were less than two feet away from each other, separated by a  sheet of canvas, but they had no idea I was there. Amber was saying how  much she fancied me  –  which I'd known for ages  –  and how she couldn't  understand why Lily didn't.' He paused, his mouth dry. ‘And Lily said  she never had and never would fancy me, I just wasn't the kind of guy  she'd ever go for, not in a million years.'

‘She might not have meant it,' said Will.

‘Oh she did, believe me. Why would she say it otherwise? She told Amber I  wasn't her type, I was the opposite of her type. And she certainly  sounded as if she meant it.'

‘We've all said things we didn't mean, though.' Will pulled a face.  ‘When I was eighteen, I told everyone who'd listen that I fancied the  pants off Yasmin Le Bon. Of course it was really Simon Le Bon.' He shook  his head at Dan. ‘I can't believe you gave up, just like that. And it  never occurred to you to try again, in case she might have changed her  mind?' To make his point, he indicated Sean next to him. ‘Because  …  you  know, sometimes people do.'

‘OK, OK.' Dan raised a hand to stop him. ‘You haven't heard the rest of  it yet. The double whammy.' They couldn't begin to understand the  lasting impact that evening had had on him; he was still able to vividly  recall every second of it, every emotion, every word, every last  detail. ‘So there I was, I'd overheard Lily and Amber talking about me  and it had come as a shock. Then they moved off, and the next moment  someone was putting their hand on my shoulder. It was Nick,' said Dan.  ‘I hadn't even realised he'd been standing behind me. He'd heard Lily  too. And I thought he was just going to make a joke about it, because he  didn't know how I felt about Lily, but it turned out he did know. He  sat me down and told me he'd seen what was happening ever since the  holiday in Cornwall, had realised the way things could be going. And he  said he needed to make me understand why it might not be a good idea.'

Sean was looking shocked. ‘He warned you off? Like Don Corleone in The Godfather?'

‘No, no, it wasn't a threat. Actually, it was worse than that.' If Nick  had flatly refused to permit any kind of relationship, Dan knew his  eighteen-year-old self would have been inclined to just go ahead and do  it anyway. Instead, Nick had reasoned with him and appealed to his  better nature. ‘He was incredibly nice about it  …  sympathetic  …  He said  it might have seemed like a good idea, but imagine what it would be like  if me and Lily got together and it didn't work out? And really, we were  so young, the chances were that it wouldn't last, and then how awkward  would things be? Everyone in Stanton Langley doted on Lily. If I ended  up breaking her heart, I wouldn't hear the end of it.' He paused, then  shrugged. ‘Well, he was right about that. Basically, I didn't have the  best reputation, and if I hurt Lily, I'd never be forgiven. As Nick  said, we could either stay as we were and be friends for life, or I  could try and take things further and risk losing everything. And not  just Lily. Our friends, families  …  everyone.'                       
       
           



       

‘Wow,' said Will. ‘Heavy.'

‘But he had a point,' said Sean.

‘He did.' Dan nodded in weary agreement.

‘You slept with Amber that night, for a start.'

Dan shrugged and nodded again; he wasn't proud of himself for having  done that. In his admittedly inadequate defence, he'd been eighteen  years old and his heart had just been broken into a million pieces. It  had also made Amber's night. At the time it had seemed like the only  thing to do.

‘Then you went off to university and slept with most of the girls there too.'

‘Not most of them,' said Dan, although it had been a fair few. ‘So  anyway, you see now why I never did say anything. It would have been me  versus the whole of Stanton Langley.'

Not once had it occurred to any of them that he might be the way he was  purely because he wasn't allowed to make his feelings known to the one  girl he truly did want and felt he could be faithful to.

But the years had rolled by and he'd grown into his role as an  indefatigable ladies' man. He'd tried so hard to fall in love with  another girl but it just hadn't happened. And over time he'd realised he  could no longer be sure he did trust himself one hundred per cent. The  fear was too great to take the risk, because what if he couldn't?

All the more reason not to try.

Sean had been watching him disappear into his memories. Now he said, ‘So  this is why you have your jokey relationship with Lily. You fake-flirt  with her because it would be weird not to, but it's a double bluff  because deep down you actually mean it. And you've got used to things  being the way they are because it's safe and you're not risking the  whole thing blowing up and hitting the fan.'

Spookily spot-on. Was it being gay that made Sean so adept at digging  beneath the carefully constructed devil-may-care surface and  understanding what was actually going on in his confused and despairing  mind?

‘Sounds about right,' said Dan.

‘So what happens now?' asked Will. ‘Are you going to tell her how you feel?'

There it was again, the serrated knife in the stomach. Dan shook his  head. ‘No, I'm not. I can't. All the old arguments still stand. I know  what I'm like  …  I've been this way for so long now. I can't afford to  take the risk of fucking up.'

More silence. Finally Sean said, ‘So all this business with her and Eddie Tessler must be pretty hard for you to handle.'

‘Let's just say it hasn't been the best few days of my life.'

‘Maybe he'll lose interest,' said Sean.

‘He might not,' said Will, unhelpfully.

Dan was suddenly overwhelmed with exhaustion; the light-headedness had  dissipated, his eyelids were now heavy and his brain appeared to have  been replaced by cotton wool. Under the accidental influence of drink  and drugs, he'd shared his secret, which had been a relief at the time,  though it wasn't as if there was anything they could do about it.

There was no magic answer.

‘You mustn't tell anyone.' Through half-closed eyes he looked from Sean  to Will. ‘I mean it, you have to swear on your lives. Lily must never  know.'

They were both nodding sympathetically. ‘Don't worry, we promise,' said Sean. ‘Your secret's safe with us.'

Will was smiling. ‘Same. And let's face it, if you can't trust a couple  of gay men who both hid their sexuality for years  …  well, who can you  trust?'



Dan woke up at 6.30 the next morning. Sean and Will were both upstairs  asleep. He left a note on the coffee table: Don't worry, I'm still  alive. Many thanks for last night. D. P.S. Remember, just between us.

As he let himself out of the house, it occurred to him that anyone else  catching sight of the note might think they'd had a threesome.

Limping along like Long John Silver, he paused outside the cottage and  decided to head on down to the high street. The newsagent would be open;  he wanted to pick up a couple of papers, and they sold painkillers too.

In the newsagent's he flicked casually  –  one-handedly  –  through some of  the papers, not even admitting to himself what he was looking for.

Until he turned a page and saw the huge photo captioned: This could be The One, says Eddie.

Then he really wished he hadn't bothered.

‘Oh my goodness,' said a blonde girl, grinning across at him as she  picked a copy of Heat magazine off the rack. ‘You've been in the wars!'