Xavier FINAL(39)

     “Go on.” He brushed my hair away from my face.

     “When he walked in I laid on the air mattress and opened my robe and asked him why he had never licked me. He shook his head and reminded me what day it was and asked that I cover myself. I stood up and walked up to him totally naked and started undoing his pants. He pulled away and asked me what had gotten into me. He looked at me like I disgusted him. I wanted him to go down on me just once Xavier. I wanted him to look at me just once like he was burning inside for me. When he didn’t, I put my robe on and told him we were through. He got pissed and told me I wasn’t being rational. That’s when I told him I saw him. He asked me what the fuck I was doing there and I said I was there with you. I wanted to make him jealous. I wanted to hurt him like he did me. He went to grab me and I punched him right in the nose and that’s when he hit me. I tried to hit him again but he pushed me on air mattress and held my arms down. Then he knelt above me pinning my arms with his knees. He started undoing his pants and that’s when you called. I told him you would come after me. Told him you were expecting me and that we had spent the night together. He was stunned I think because I was able to push him away and I grabbed for the phone and saw it was you. That’s when he hit me again. The look on his face, well I’d never seen him look like that. I ran into the bathroom and locked the door. I heard the door to the apartment slam and he didn’t come back. I saw myself in the mirror. My lip was bleeding and I couldn’t think of anything but washing him off me. I jumped in the shower and washed his hands off me. His touch. If I could have washed the sight of him out of my eyes I would have. When I came out of the bathroom he was standing there with my phone. He didn’t look angry he looked hurt. He told me he was sorry and tried to reach out to me. I held up my hand and he stopped. He told me that he fucked up. He wouldn’t ever cheat on his wife. He said we should get married now so that he wouldn’t be tempted. He even said we could have a Catholic wedding, that he would spend every moment of his free time making it up to me. You sent a text and then he looked at me with such sadness. It didn’t make me feel what it should have. I knew he wanted to make me feel sorry for him. That’s the same look he always gave when he was trying to get his way. I never knew it then. I always just wanted to make sure he knew he had my support and that I loved him. I turned my back to him and took that little can of pepper spray my Dad insisted I keep with me. I put it in my pocket and turned around and looked at him. I smiled a smile that was meant to piss him off. ‘Why would I want you now? Why would you want me now after everything that went on last night?’ That’s about when he crushed my phone against the counter. Then he told me I would be sorry. He walked towards me and I held up the can of pepper spray and told him one more step and I would gladly pull the trigger just to watch a little pussy like him cry. He told me to watch my back and stomped on my phone one last time and walked out the door.”

     “Jesus Christ. Thank God you’re okay. Taelyn you ever hear the expression don’t poke a sleeping bear?”

     “It felt good. It felt good to hurt him. I will never let anyone hurt me like that again. I will never trust any--.”

     “You’ll trust. Just not some mother fucker who doesn’t deserve it.”

     “Who hurt you? Who made you be able to just have sex and not get emotional?”

     “No one hurt me. I’ve seen two of my brothers get royally fucked and I just decided it wasn’t gonna happen to me.”

     “So you’re happy like this?’

     “Yeah. No one ever gave me a reason to want to be any other way. I don’t lie to get laid. I told you that.”

     “I’ll never confuse love and desire again.”

     “Good cause they are two different things. When you’ve made it through the hurt, I will be the first one to show you what it’s like in my world got it?”

     “Yeah.”

     “Okay. Did he give you the message about work?”

     “No.”

     “We’ll be working in the office this week. Our space is too damn cold.”

     “So everyone will see this face.” I didn’t realize it was out loud.