May lifts a brow at me. “Wow, somebody’s seriously motivated. Did you buy that dildo after all?”
“No, I did not buy a dildo. Shut up.” I hold up a muffin. “You want one of these, right?”
“Do bears poop in the woods?”
“Yes, they do.” I wrangle the last confection onto a plate, feeling like a superhero because not one of them caved in during the process. “Fun fact . . . did you know that bears plant oak trees with their poop? All those seeds they eat . . .”
“Has anyone ever told you that you watch too much Animal Planet?”
I snort as I answer. “I tell myself that all the time, actually. You have no idea . . . I am constantly comparing people to animals in the wild kingdom. It’s ridiculous. I really need to get a life.”
I sit down with two plates and several muffins between us.
May takes a look at my offerings. “I’m not sure I can eat more than one of these things.”
“Don’t worry about it. I’ll probably eat whatever you don’t finish. I’m seriously stress-eating right now.”
May unwraps a muffin from its paper holder. “I came over here this morning to chat with you, and I have two hours, so lay it on me. Tell me what’s going on.”
I take a sip of my coffee before beginning. “Before we get into my junk, tell me about you and Ozzie. What’s going on with you two?” His little comment about May being a good mom someday has been weighing on my mind.
She’s chewing her muffin and smiling at me. “What do you mean what’s going on? We’re fine.”
I give her my big sister don’t-piss-me-off look. “When he was over here last night he said something about you and kids. I got the feeling he was trying to tell me something, but then everything got so crazy with the little buttheads making all that noise, I never got a chance to ask him about it. Is there something you want to tell me?”
If she tells me she’s pregnant, I am going to throw my plate across the room, I swear to God. My outburst will be fueled by two emotions: happiness and frustration. Of course my sister will make the best mother of all time, but with Ozzie? Is she ready for this? Am I ready for this?
May is frowning at me. “No. What are you talking about?”
Obviously Ozzie can’t know my sister is pregnant without her knowing it, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t playing hard to get with me. She’s gotten a lot wilier since hooking up with Ozzie. “Just tell me. Are you pregnant?”
May’s jaw drops open. “What? No. Where would you get that idea?” She looks down at her stomach. “Am I getting fat?”
I whack her on the arm. “Of course you’re not getting fat. My god, you’ve never been so thin. Is he even feeding you over there?” I’m afraid my jealousy is coming out in my tone. Luckily, my sister doesn’t take offense.
“No. I eat like a pig, I swear. Ozzie cooks the most amazing food. It’s just that Dev has me doing so many workouts, I burn all the calories and then some.” A cute smile pops up on her face. “I actually think I look pretty good.”
I nod like crazy. “You do. You look fantastic. I am totally jealous of you right now. You’re one of those thin bitches we used to mock.”
May winks at me over her coffee mug. “Dev cannot wait to get his hands on you. It’s going to be so exciting.” She wiggles her eyebrows, making me think there’s a second meaning to her words.
I can’t believe she just said that. How can she be so casual about my love life?
“Why are you looking at me like that?” she asks, lowering her mug. “Do you have a piece of muffin stuck in your throat? Do you need a Heimlich?” She puts her hands up onto her neck. “This is the sign for choking. Give me the sign if you’re choking.”
I shake my head at her; she is so ridiculous. “I’m not choking, dummy, I’m just trying to figure out how you can say what you said so casually.”
May tilts her head like a confused canine. “What did I say?”
I bug my eyes out at her, waiting for her to figure it out. I can almost see her pressing the rewind button in her brain.
Her face relaxes and she smiles. “Oh, I get it. That sounded kind of funny didn’t it?”
“Maybe a little.”
“What I meant was that Dev is really excited about getting you on a workout program. Lucky told me that you were maybe thinking about coming to work with us; so if you do, you’ll start working out with Dev just like I did, and you’ll see the same results. I promise.”
She has touched on so many things, I don’t know where to start. Dev? Job? Working out? Lucky? I let my brain go on autopilot and pick for itself.