Or can I? Maybe it’s the only thing that’ll get through to him.
“You said you wanted a family.” My voice is low and shaky. I grab my purse and start fishing through it. “What if you had a family? Would you really want to risk your life? Risk your health? Your brain? What if you had more than just a wife to come home to?”
“But I don’t, so it’s a moot point. And, I mean, of course I want to come home to you after every fight, but what else am I supposed to do?”
I’ve found what I was looking for in my purse, and I take it out, gripping it tightly. My hands are shaking. “You don’t have a family now, but you will.”
I hand him the pregnancy test. I just took it this morning, and the double blue line is still clear as day.
He takes it hesitantly, as if he’s not sure what it is. I scoot a little closer to him, desperate to make him listen. “Cain, it’s just you and me right now, but it won’t be for long. And I want you to be able to come home with me to take care of our baby.” He’s still staring at the little plastic stick, and I can’t tell what he’s thinking. He looks like somebody hit him in the head. “Cain… I love you.”
His gaze finally shifts up to me, and I move back away from him sharply, adrenaline tightening my diaphragm. For the first time since we started this crazy ride, I’m actually afraid of him. There’s something in his eyes I can’t make sense of. I swallow hard, every sense going on high alert.
“You’re pregnant?” The words sound choked, like he can barely get them out. “How…” He stops, closes his eyes, swallows.
What the hell, Cain? My first instinct is to lash out, to remind him harshly that he was the one who wanted to forget about the condom, not me. And guess what happens when you decide to ditch a condom? But I take a slow breath and make myself calm down. His hand holding the test is shaking.
I lay a hand on his arm, feeling the shivering in his tendons. “Cain—”
“Why?” he says then, his tone hard and brittle as he jerks back from my touch. “When?”
I’m flustered, but I manage to find words. “It has to have been at least a couple of weeks. Maybe it was right after the wedding, but I’m not sure.”
He scrubs at his forehead. “Oh my God. Shit.”
He doesn’t seem to be able to put enough words together to make a sentence. It’s scaring me. Is he upset? Overwhelmed? Is he mad at me?
I reach for him again, hoping to be able to calm him down. “Cain… It’ll be—”
But he’s not even listening to me anymore. He shoves to his feet, pacing the locker room. I can’t make anything out of the expression on his face. He seems infuriated, but there’s something else. Something rawer.
“This is too much, Jess. It’s just too much.”
“We can handle it together—”
“What the hell do you think a kid’s going to grow up like with me as a father? I never even had one! How am I supposed to do this? How are we supposed to do this?”
He wheels on me, and suddenly he throws the plastic stick across the room. It hits a locker behind me, and I hear it slide to the floor. I wince. He’s staring at me.
“I can’t be a father. I don’t know how. How am I supposed to know how? How the hell is this ever going to work? We don’t even know if we’re okay yet, and there’s going to be a baby now? God, I should have thought about this.”
His words have all become a blur, and I’m not even sure what he’s saying anymore. I’ve gone into flight-or-fight mode. And there’s no way I can fight him, so I just flee. As fast as I can, running out of the locker room and into the gym.
Behind me I hear him calling my name. His tone has changed, edged with desperation. But I can barely see, my eyes are so blurred with tears, and I don’t turn around.
CHAPTER NINE
Cain
My hands hurt as I punch the big bag. I’ve been practicing for hours, even though I probably should be conserving my energy for the fight tonight. But I’m so keyed up I couldn’t even sleep last night. My eyes are sticky and I feel like I’m punching through something thick and oily. Every punch takes an effort of will.
You’re going to win this goddamn fight, Cain. You have to.
It’s the only thing I have left—my original plan. To win the fight I’m supposed to throw, take my winnings, and get the fuck out of town before Spada can murder me.
Thing is, I don’t really want to leave town anymore. Not without Jess.
I haven’t seen Jess since that day at the gym. I keep playing that scene over and over in my mind. After about the millionth time, I realized I couldn’t actually remember everything that happened. What I said to her. Only that she showed me that pregnancy test, and I flipped my shit.