Worth the fight(56)

I close my eyes and fight back my tears. I know what comes next, I’ve seen it in my head a thousand times, but each time it’s as hard to watch as the first. It never gets any easier. I’m not sure how long I sit there in silence, willing my tears away. I don’t even realize I’ve stopped speaking and gone somewhere else until I hear Nico’s voice.

“You don’t have to, Elle. Just let me hold you and forget the past.” His voice is gentle and kind and caring and it takes every ounce of strength in my body not to give in and just let him hold me. Take care of me and make it all go away. But I can’t. I need to rip the Band-Aid off.

My mind back in the present, I find the freckle and reclaim it as my focus, continuing with what I have to say. What I need to say. “He almost killed her that night. He lifted her by her throat and crushed her windpipe. She couldn’t breathe. But that wasn’t good enough. He wouldn’t stop.” The tears start to flow from my eyes, but I won’t let them keep me from what I need to do. “He wouldn’t stop. He just hit her over and over again. And she made this noise. This horrible noise because she couldn’t breathe. She was gasping for air, fighting with what little she had left.” The tears turn into sobs and I feel my body trembling.

“Come here, Baby.” Nico tries to pull me to him, but I won’t allow it. I need to get it all out.

For the first time since I started speaking, I look up at Nico. His eyes are pained and filled with unshed tears of his own as he watches me cry and listens to my story. I take one more deep breath and look into his eyes when I speak, my words coming out quiet, but their meaning unmistakably clear. “I killed him. I knew where his gun was hidden and I shot him.” Nico’s eyes widen, he wasn’t expecting what I told him. “That’s why I know.” My voice is barely a whisper. “I know what you feel like.”

***

I cry until there are no more tears left. I don’t know how much time passes, but Nico holds me tight until my body is wrenched of every last sob and tear. And I let him. For the first time in my life, I let someone else hold it, even if it’s just for a little while. He holds the pain and the guilt and the burden, all of it. And with the weight lifted from me, I fall asleep. Sound asleep.





Chapter 41


Nico

Elle shifts in her sleep and I tighten my grip. She hasn’t budged in hours, not since she fell asleep in my arms. I eased my back down onto the couch and laid her out on top of me while I held her. My arms are numb from holding her so tight, but there is no way I’m letting go. Not ever.

I thought I understood what it meant to feel pain, but I had no god damn clue until I saw her face. Seeing her pain made anything I’ve went through pale in comparison. Worse than a blow to the chest, the pain is physical and emotional. The urge to hit something is almost unbearable. How could any human being do that to a woman, no less in front of a little girl? Forcing a twelve-year-old to defend her own mother at the cost of taking her own father’s life. No, not her father’s life. She took the life of a monster, who deserved it. I only wish it was me. Wish I could take it all away and let it be me who went through it, not Elle.

She looks so peaceful when she sleeps. I’m pissed off at myself for not being there for her when it happened. Deep down I know it’s irrational to hate myself for not protecting her when I hadn’t even met her yet…but it doesn’t make the feeling go away just because common sense tells me it’s impossible.

When I froze in the cage and beat myself up over it, this little angel reaches out to help me, knowing that it will only bring bad shit to the surface again for her. And what do I do when she puts herself out there for me? I basically turn my back on her. I’m so fucking self-centered…so worried about myself that I make her retreat. It must have taken everything she had to reach out and try to help me with what she bears herself. I’m a total asshole.





Chapter 42


Elle

I’m confused when I wake up. I don’t even remember falling asleep. But I’m lying on top of Nico and he’s holding me so tight that for a minute I forget what happened last night. I told him. And now he’ll never look at me the same. Even my therapist and friends I met in group change when they hear my story. Everyone except Regina. She understands me because she has her own cross to bear. Some look at me with pity, others think I’m a monster…that there is no justification for taking another life. I know what they think.

I have no idea what time it is, but the sun isn’t peaking in through the window yet, so it must not be morning. I try to close my eyes and force myself back to sleep, but my bladder has other plans for us. I attempt to gently slip out of Nico’s arms as he sleeps, but his arms tighten around me and pull me back into place.