“I just… I’ve wondered if maybe because you had to take care of me, if that was the reason. For all of you, but mostly you. You gave up so much.”
“I didn’t give up anything.”
“Nick. You know that’s not true.”
“I loved you. It didn’t feel like I was giving up anything.”
“You were always there,” she said with all seriousness. “I don’t ever remember a time that you weren’t there.”
Except for those forty-two days of which they did not speak.
“You were so young,” she said, looking up into the swaying trees.
“I didn’t feel that young. Even before they died. Mom always said I was too serious, even as a little boy she’d say, ‘Nick, you’re an old soul.’”
“Maybe that’s true, classic first-born, but still, you wouldn’t have been so… stuck if not for me. You could have let someone else take me.”
He squeezed her shoulders. “Never. Though I wondered a million times if maybe I should have.” Because even though it would have broken his heart, he would do anything to spare her the pain she’d endured. If he could go back. But he couldn’t.
“I’m glad you didn’t. I don’t remember much, but I remember being scared, and I remember you holding me, rocking me. Did you sing?” She looked at him with big golden eyes that were exactly the same as they’d been when she was two. “I think I remember you singing.”
“Maybe, once or twice.” It had been almost every night, then later, it had been Mia.
So many memories wrapped up in Mia. In that one woman who was so deep inside him she flowed in his blood.
“What was it that you sang? Something about a rabbit?”
“Buckeye Rabbit Soup. Something Mom used to sing to me. And you, I imagine.”
“Oh, yeah,” she said wistfully and stared out at the woods like she was hearing the tune. “I don’t remember her singing it. Just you. And don’t forget the bear song. Will you sing it?”
“Not for a million dollars.”
She laughed, and they rocked in silence, listening to the creaking, to the birds, before she spoke again.
“If it wasn’t that, then what?”
He pulled back to look at her. “What are you trying to do? Marry me off?”
“No. Yes. Maybe. I just wonder why. You’re a great brother. You’re not entirely ugly.” That earned her a tug on her hair. “You were such a good father to me, I think you’d make a great father. I try to imagine what it was like for all of you, a house of teenage guys and a little girl.”
“We mostly didn’t know what to do with a girl. When you were older, we’d bribe you out of having birthday parties. The sound you all made when you were in a pack was just…otherworldly.” He shivered. “I feel kind of bad about it now.”
“What? You didn’t think I liked going to Hooters for wings and cheese sticks?”
“That only happened once.”
She smiled. “I know. I felt so grown up. It was good. Made this nerd girl cool for a day or so. Hey.” She covered his hand. “I had a good childhood. Great in fact. You even learned to braid hair.”
He nodded. “Mia taught me.” And he’d practiced on Mia’s hair for hours. He so enjoyed running his fingers through the silkiness it usually ended with the two of them naked.
“She was your one,” Hannah said softly. “I think she still is.”
He couldn’t deny it. Didn’t even want to. He didn’t regret their night, had relived every second of it again and again. But if he could take back his words the morning after, if he could go back and do it over…When was he ever going to stop needing to do things over?
He gave new meaning to the phrase “you hurt the ones closest to you.” Mia had been like a piece of his heart, and he’d hated himself so…
“Did it ever occur to you that you both might be single for a reason?”
He didn’t answer. He didn’t know why Mia hadn’t married. As for him, he’d never even considered it.
“If it wasn’t having to raise your sister, was it because of what happened? Later?”
God, he didn’t want to talk about that with her.
“Nick,” she looked at him, pleading. “Are you going to spend the rest of your life looking back? Wishing for the impossible? If you do, you’re wasting the life God gave you. I can’t stop you from it, but I also won’t stay stuck with you. It doesn’t help me for you to blame yourself. You know, if you have to blame someone for what happened, you can start with me.”