Worth the Wait (McKinney_Walker #1)(49)
“And you’re reminded,” she said. “Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe that’s the biggest problem between us. You can’t look at me without thinking about that day, that I was supposed to get her and I came back alone.” She heard the tears in her voice, felt them trickle down her cheek.
She wanted to shake him and hold him. Scream at him and kiss him, but he’d never wanted her comfort in the light of day. Just like before, they came together in the dark then woke to reality. It was on the tip of her tongue to say she was sorry again, but she’d said it a hundred times before, and it hadn’t mattered.
“You have to let this go.”
He turned, his hard eyes meeting hers. “Let it go and forget it?”
He didn’t raise his voice, but his tone took another slice.
“No. Not forget. But maybe move forward. Live with it.”
“I am living with it!” He slammed his mug on the counter hard enough she was surprised it didn’t break. “I live with it every day!”
Was it possible he was even harder now than he’d been when she’d left him? No matter how hard, she would never have left him because of that. Not if she’d been able to breach his impenetrable wall, the fortress complete with razor wire he’d constructed around his heart. The one that had torn at hers every time she’d tried to climb over.
He’d shoved her away then locked her out.
She couldn’t do this again. She wouldn’t.
She felt sick and bit her lip to keep it from trembling. “Nothing’s changed. Even after last night.” Everything about their relationship, their love, reduced to that one day. “We could have moved forward together. But you didn’t want to. You couldn’t see me past your own guilt. You still can’t.”
“And you can?” He straightened from the counter and took one step toward her and stopped. “I’m sorry.”
“No. You can say it. There’s no reason for us not to be honest with each other now. We really can’t lose any more than we’ve already lost, can we? You blamed me.”
He turned his back to her, and she could see his hands gripping the edge of the sink. “No, I didn’t.”
“You did. I was late. If you think I haven’t thought about that, you’re wrong. I shouldn’t have come last night.” She carefully set aside the mug she barely realized she’d been holding. There was nothing else she could do, nothing to say. She took another long look at him, just one more image to add to an already-broken heart.
She went to his bedroom, got her shoes, then returned for her purse. “I have no defenses against you,” she whispered sadly. “I never did.”
He spun on her so forcefully she stepped back. “And you think I do? You think you aren’t burned in my brain! In my heart! You’re there. You’ve always been there.”
She wanted to believe it so badly, she considered grabbing him, taking his mouth with hers, begging him to touch her again like he had last night. But you didn’t just have to move on from the past, you and to learn from it. “You didn’t want me, Nick. You didn’t.”
“I loved you! I was surviving on you!”
“Maybe, maybe not,” she said, countering his storm with calm. She wouldn’t yell, she wouldn’t fight with him. She didn’t have the energy for it. “Maybe I was just too much of a reminder. Maybe I still am.”
She’d been two minutes late. In her mind, she knew that was nothing, but in the reality of that particular day, it had been everything. “So we’re ten years later and still in exactly the same place.”
He shifted on his feet, tilted his head. “And where’s that?”
She didn’t even hesitate. It couldn’t hurt anymore to say it out loud. “Me loving you. You blaming me. But I give up. You’ve got the past clenched so tightly in your fist, I’ll never be enough to make you let it go. I can’t go back to that place we were. It nearly killed me.”
And there was nothing left to say. He was still closed off, his walls up, doors locked. Well, she could damn well close the door too.
She grabbed her purse, and slammed that very literal door closed behind her.
Chapter 17
Ten years ago…
“HEY,” MIA SAID, COMING into the kitchen from the garage, her arms loaded with bags.
Standing at the stove, Zach smiled over his shoulder. “Hey.”
Nick sat at the counter, a file and papers spread in front of him. He greeted her without looking up.
“Sorry I’m late,” she said dropping her things. “I blame it on the vortex that is Target. I ended up getting way more than I went in for, but I did find those shoe things you were looking for.”