“And it was something you needed to do.”
“Yes.” She met Mia’s eyes. “If I don’t start stepping out on my own, how can I ever expect them to think I can?”
“Good question. Though what they think and how they act isn’t all on you.”
Isn’t it?
“So, how did it go?”
“Good.” Too good, considering what had meant so much to her had meant nothing to him. “It was great until…”
“Until?”
“Until I went out with him again on Saturday. Not out exactly, but to his niece’s birthday party. Of course, Luke insisted he drive me, which was awkward because he didn’t want me to stay. I almost dropped the present and left.”
“But you didn’t.” Mia smiled. “I’m proud of you, Hannah. You took a chance, what for you must have felt like a huge risk. And you stood up to Luke. I’m sure neither was easy.”
“Well, don’t be too proud. It didn’t end well.”
“Why do you say that?”
Hannah flicked her eyes to the framed certificates lining the wall, tried to hide the hurt. “I mean, he wasn’t really interested.”
“He must have been at least a little interested, to have asked you to dinner and then invited you to a family event.”
“I thought so.” But I was wrong. Again. She sucked at reading people. A deficiency that had long ago been established. She looked down at her lap, shrugged. “I guess he changed his mind.”
Mia waited.
“I overheard him talking to his sister. Evidently I’m not his type. I mean, it’s not like I really thought I was. He’s gorgeous and successful and I’m—”
“And you’re what? Beautiful, smart, and also successful.”
“Ha. After feed and vet bills, I barely pay for food.”
“There are many ways to measure success.”
“Maybe.” She considered mentioning the letter and just how unsuccessful she might soon be. But she didn’t. “It doesn’t even matter, but…today he shows up at the barn. Yeah,” she added, seeing Mia’s reaction. “Just out of the blue, says he wants to apologize for hurting my feelings.”
“How did you feel about seeing him again?”
“I don’t know. Surprised. Embarrassed.” Sad. Attracted. And a weird sense of loss for something she’d never had. There’d been no cocky grin on his handsome face, no smile at all, but still, she’d sensed…something. Or maybe not. Who the hell knew.
“Could you have misunderstood what you heard before?”
“No.”
“Well, the fact he wanted to apologize says a lot. He cared that much at least. And Hannah…” Mia leaned forward. “You do realize what a huge step this is? Something we were only talking about a few weeks ago and here you’ve already done it. And not once, but twice.”
Hannah nodded, trying to see the positive.
“And nothing bad happened.”
She gave Mia a wry smile. “I guess that depends on your definition of bad.”
“I mean nothing dangerous. All the things we both know you’re afraid of. If nothing else, you learned you can go somewhere, be with a man, and it doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be hurt physically.”
True. Except she’d still read the situation all wrong. The looks, the touches. The burst of happiness when he’d smiled at her.
“Hannah…do you want a relationship with a man?”
She’d thought about that, and took a minute to think about it some more. For a long time she’d wanted to hide completely, unable to stand anyone looking at her. Cringing at anyone touching her. But a part of her dreamed of loving someone, having someone love her back. There was a very good chance that wasn’t possible. “I don’t know.” She swallowed hard and pulled the cuffs of her shirt down farther. “I have a lot of scars.”
“Everyone has scars, Hannah. Even if you can’t see them. Maybe this man isn’t the one, but don’t write people off before you give them a chance.”
“But they’d have to see me if I ever…” The thought of a man seeing her naked body made her stomach turn.
“It’s okay if you’re not ready for that. Baby steps. Trust with a man is developed just like trust with anyone. When you find the right person, you’ll know.”
A cardinal landed on a feeder outside the window, pecked at the seeds before flying off again. “How will I know? If I always misjudge—”
“How many people have you really misjudged? Because if it’s only one—”
“It was a pretty big one.”