‘It all looks fine.’ The ultrasonographer smiled at her and wiped the jelly from Ally’s abdomen. ‘No worries there. He’s well protected at the moment so it’s unlikely he came to any harm.’
‘Thanks.’ Ally gave her a shaky smile and watched her leave the room, feeling suddenly awkward to be alone with Sean. ‘I’d better get dressed.’
‘No, wait!’ He raked long fingers through his cropped hair, looking thoroughly agitated and very, very male. ‘Dammit, Ally, we need to talk and I don’t think I can wait until we get home.’
Her hands clenched. She wasn’t up to this. Later, maybe she’d be able to pretend she could cope with losing him, but not at the moment when she felt so vulnerable and he was being so protective.
‘Sean, I really can’t—not now…’
‘I just want you to listen, that’s all.’ He took a deep breath and sat down on the edge of the bed, prising her hands apart and taking them in his. ‘This has, without any doubt, been the worst day of my life.’
Her heart stopped and her voice was little more than a whisper. ‘You mean, seeing the baby?’
‘Dammit, no!’ His voice was raw with emotion and he dropped her hands and rubbed his temples with long fingers. ‘I don’t mean that at all! Seeing the baby was—well, it was incredible.’
He stood up abruptly and walked over to the window, turning his back on her so that she couldn’t see the expression on his face. ‘I don’t know where to start. I wasn’t going to say any of this until we got home but I don’t think I can wait that long.’
Her heart was thudding in slow motion. ‘Say what?’
There was a long silence. ‘I’ve never let myself trust anyone. I suppose in a way I was trying to test what the social worker told me.’
Ally fixed her eyes on those broad shoulders which were still shutting her out. ‘And what was that?’
‘That I was difficult. I was a difficult baby, a difficult toddler and a difficult teenager. My mother couldn’t cope and so she gave me away. I wasn’t the dream baby she’d imagined—’
‘Sean—’
‘I was passed from foster-family to foster-family and all the time I grew more difficult. Whenever I went somewhere new I pushed them to the limit. Testing them. Trying to find a family who’d love me unconditionally, I suppose. It didn’t take me long to start believing that that kind of love didn’t exist outside fairy stories. Not for me, anyway.’
Ally felt scalding tears fill her eyes. ‘Oh, Sean—’
‘I’ve never been any good at relationships but I know I don’t need to tell you that.’ He stared out of the window, his voice flat and expressionless. ‘All through my childhood, whenever I started to feel affection for someone I was moved on. You’ve no idea what that does to a child—feeling unwanted. Unloved. In the end I told myself I didn’t need it and developed a defence mechanism. The only person I relied on was myself. I never allowed myself to love anyone in case I lost them.’
‘Please, come here, Sean.’
His shoulders stiffened but he still didn’t look at her. ‘When I grew up I just kept the same pattern. I never allowed myself to love anyone because I couldn’t bear the thought of what would happen if it didn’t last. So I was always the one in control. The one who ended the relationship. And I’d come across so many miserable kids from broken homes in my time in care that I resolved never to risk having a child of my own in case the relationship went wrong.
‘And then I met you.’ He turned slowly and his eyes clung to hers, all the pain of his traumatic youth revealed in those dark depths. ‘You were everything I’d ever dreamed of. Strong, gentle, clever, feminine, shy, sexy—so many things all in one package. I wanted you badly.’
Her blue eyes were soft. ‘I wanted you, too.’
‘That night when we made love—’ He broke off and stared out of the window again, his eyes distant, remembering. ‘You were so warm and giving and innocent, and I felt as though I never wanted to let you go. All I wanted to do was hold you and protect you. I’ve never felt like that about another person before.’
‘And you panicked.’
He turned his head to look at her, a wry smile playing around his hard mouth. ‘Panic barely begins to describe it. Suddenly I felt vulnerable, and I’m not used to feeling like that.’
Ally felt a sudden rush of love and sympathy. It was taking so much courage for him to admit these feelings, feelings which he was used to keeping hidden deep inside himself.