Worth the Risk(59)

‘There was on Saturday night,’ he said with brutal frankness, and she turned her head away so that she didn’t have to look at him, the sudden action loosening the towel around her head. Her damp hair fell in soft waves around her shoulders and she heard the hiss of his indrawn breath.

‘For goodness’ sake, Ally, I don’t understand what this is all about.’ He closed his hands over her shoulders and pulled her towards him. ‘I didn’t force you…’

‘No.’ She gave a shake of her head, her eyes bleak. ‘No, you didn’t force me.’

‘I know I hurt you and I’m sorry. Is that what’s wrong?’ His voice was rough and she coloured at the intimacy of his question.

‘No. You were—’ Her throat clogged and she coughed. Oh, hell! ‘It was fine.’

‘Fine?’ He gave her a little shake. ‘Fine?’

‘Oh, what do you want me to say?’ Suddenly she was shouting at him. ‘It was fantastic. It was the single most wonderful thing that has ever happened in my life—there, are you satisfied now?’

He looked totally baffled. ‘So why are you avoiding me?’

Her anger dissipated and she felt suddenly tired. ‘Because you wish it had never happened.’

His hands fell to his sides and a muscle worked in his cheek. ‘That’s not true.’

She jerked away from him, the towel around her shoulders sliding to the floor. ‘It is true, Sean, and we both know it. Let’s be honest here for five minutes, shall we? I love you. I love you with every bone in my body…’ She saw him tense slightly and gave a short laugh. ‘Oh, I know you don’t want to hear that, but it’s the truth, and if you really want to know why I’m avoiding you then you’d better hear the truth—and the truth is, we don’t want the same thing.’

He was frowning. ‘I never wanted a one-night stand.’

‘Oh?’ Her eyes were bright with tears. ‘So you wouldn’t have minded second helpings?’

‘Dammit, it wasn’t like that and you know it.’ His dark eyes were alight with anger and suddenly she sagged, the fight gone. She just wanted him to go, too.

‘Forget it, Sean. You’ve made your position more than clear.’

His expression was grim. ‘This isn’t about me.’

‘No, of course it isn’t.’ Ally used sarcasm to hide her pain. ‘It’s never about you, is it, Sean? You don’t talk about your past, you don’t open up to anyone, you don’t trust anyone, you don’t expose your feelings to anyone—’

His hands were clenched by his sides. ‘Have you finished?’

‘Actually, no.’ She stared at him calmly. In a minute she was going to burst into tears and make a total fool of herself, but first there were things she needed to get off her chest. ‘You accused me of being afraid to take a risk, but what about you, Sean? Do you take risks? Do you allow yourself to get close to anyone, to develop a relationship? No, you don’t. Because you just might fall in love and that would cause all sorts of complications, wouldn’t it? And God forbid that you should ever have children because you’re afraid that loving them will make you vulnerable, too—’

His eyes were full of pain. ‘Dammit, Ally—’

‘Well, let me tell you one more thing, Sean Nicholson.’ Her voice cracked slightly and she took a deep breath. ‘As you once pointed out to me, there are no guarantees in life. The best you can do is to have hope and trust people. And you know what? Being a parent does make you vulnerable, because suddenly there’s someone in your life that matters more than yourself. Parenthood is all about exposing yourself to hurt, and it’s tough. Really tough. But that doesn’t mean people give up on it. Very few people are like your mother, Sean.’

His face was white. ‘You don’t understand.’

Ally stared at him sadly, all her anger suddenly gone. ‘No, I suppose I don’t, really, because you’ve never trusted me enough to explain. And that’s why this relationship is never going anywhere. I thought I could take whatever you were prepared to give, but it isn’t enough.’

He stared at her for a long moment, a muscle working in his cheek. ‘You’re saying you want me to marry you?’

‘Because you’re the first man I’ve ever been to bed with?’ She gave a short laugh. ‘Don’t be ridiculous, Sean. I don’t care about marriage—but I do care about commitment. I can’t have a relationship with a man who bails out before he gets emotionally involved. I thought I could, but I can’t.’