“I found her. In the bathtub. She was…in the blood. There was so much and I…I didn’t know what to do.”
“Jesus.” Matt pulled her against him, as if he could shield her from the memories. But he couldn’t, no more than he could go back in time and shield the child she’d been.
“I didn’t know what it meant for a long time. I just knew she was gone. By the time I was eight, maybe before that, I understood. She did it on purpose.”
He pulled her fully into his lap and touched his cheek to hers. Minutes passed, wrapped in his arms, as he refused to allow any distance between them. She took a trembling breath and pulled back to meet his eyes. “Don’t you see? She loved me and I wasn’t enough…I wasn’t—”
“No, baby. That was her, her choice. It wasn’t because of you. Never because of you.”
He held her and she settled into him more deeply, fighting against herself to believe his words.
—
In the darkest hours before dawn, Matt lay next to her, stroking his palm over her hair, letting the strands fall over his fingers like dark water. He thought about the note from her mother, the pain that had hung thick in the air as she’d handed it to him. Her voice thin, like a child’s. Trying to be so strong. She was strong. She’d held it together alone all her life. He’d hold her together now. If she’d let him.
He’d read the note twice more, letting the words sink in. Abby’s mother hadn’t just died. She’d left her. Brutally. Leaving Abby not just alone, but with a gory vision of death. She hadn’t just been orphaned, she’d been abandoned. First by her mother, then over and over again. And now he understood. Abby wasn’t just afraid he would leave her. She didn’t think she was enough to make him stay. But she was more than enough, he just had to make her believe it.
He curled his body around hers, hurting with her and for her. Their week at the beach seemed like a lifetime ago. If Rob hadn’t twisted his arm, he might have walked the earth his entire life and never found her. Not something he wanted to imagine.
He should send his cousin a bottle of Crown. He smiled at the thought and at holding Abby’s naked body against his. He checked his watch and his smile faded. The joint operation that had been in the works for months was finally on. He’d been contacted an hour ago. Regardless of his decision, he was still an active-duty SEAL.
When he got back he’d tell the guys he was leaving the team. Most would understand. Some would never understand an able man walking away from being a SEAL. He knew that. Was prepared for it. And they didn’t have to.
He might not ever feel completely released from his promise to T, but he’d come to terms with it. If T had lived, Matt would have left the navy for Abby without hesitation, and he believed in time Teddy would have understood. Or at least accepted it. He had to believe that. Not everyone wanted to die on the battlefield. Teddy had. Matt didn’t understand it, but maybe he didn’t have to.
He looked at her again. He’d made arrangements to go directly from the airport to the base, skipping a run by his house, allowing himself an extra few minutes next to her. Well worth it.
Lying here these last few hours, he’d been thinking about taking Abby and the kids home with him for Thanksgiving. The possibility had grown by the second. Tony could fly here with the new jet he was so proud of. She could stretch out. Beth could come too, standing by as obstetrician, just in case.
Once he got her on his home turf, he’d be one step closer to keeping her. He would battle her fears and he would win. Holding himself above her, he bent to run his lips lightly over her face. It was selfish to wake her just to look in her eyes one more time, but he couldn’t help himself.
She stirred, blinked. Emerald eyes stared up at him like lights in the darkness.
“Sorry. I should have let you sleep.”
“It’s okay.” She turned, sliding her hands around his neck, and stopped, that emerald light dimming just a bit. “You’re dressed.”
“I have to go. I have to be at the base at 0800.” He wished he could tell her the details, but it wasn’t allowed, so he gave her what he could. “I won’t be able to talk much.”
Her smile was a little shaky, her eyes a little too bright.
“I want you and the kids to come to Virginia for Thanksgiving. I’ll work out all the details.” And he’d make an appointment to finalize his future.
“Will you come?”
The significance of bringing a woman home wasn’t lost on him, and it wouldn’t be lost on his family. The shocked look on Abby’s face told him it wasn’t lost on her either. He smiled and kissed her once more. “Stay here. It’s cold out.”