His need for her, his love for her, grabbed him by the throat, robbing him of words. So he held her, reassuring her and himself that he was home.
But there was still another weight pressing on his heart. The pain and guilt of breaking a promise to the person he loved most.
—
It was barely morning when she opened her eyes. The first thing she saw was Matt. He sat in a chair beside the bed, forearms resting on his knees, head hanging. His hair was wet, his cheeks freshly shaven like he’d had a shower.
So male and so beautiful. She wanted to climb into his lap, curl up in his arms. But something held her back.
She wasn’t shaking as much. Matt had coaxed some Tylenol into her before tucking them both into bed. He’d curled himself around her, warming her with his own body. With her cheek to his chest, she’d slept, sometimes not at all sure he was real and not caring. If this was only a dream, she didn’t want to know. Didn’t want to wake up.
Now, in the light of day, she could see he was real and her eyes burned with tears she couldn’t control and didn’t fully understand.
She cleared her throat to speak. “Hey.” That one scratchy word was all she managed.
His head jerked up and he moved to sit on the bed beside her. “Hey.”
He touched her face, smoothed a hand over her hair. Every nerve in her body tingled, so hyperaware of his touch, of his presence. She looked up at him, wanting to kiss him and hold him, but her arms felt heavy. The ache that had wracked her body for days was gone, but her heart was numb, like it hadn’t caught up yet.
Matt took her hand between his and for a long moment stared down at their laced fingers. He finally looked up. “How do you feel?”
“Fine.”
“You haven’t been eating.” His voice sounded rough, strained.
She didn’t mean to say it as an excuse or a reason, but…“I missed you.” She squeezed her eyes shut against the building tears. “I missed you so much.”
He brought her hand to his cheek, pressed his lips into her palm. He held it there, holding her gaze, looking into her eyes like he was trying to read her mind. Like he didn’t know what to say. Neither did she.
Except for the three words circling. Words she didn’t even want to think, much less say, especially to the one person she’d believed would never leave . But still, they were there, too thick to keep inside. “You left me.”
His hand tensed ever so slightly around hers, but he didn’t let go or look away. “Yes. I did.”
The deep timbre of his voice bruised her as he made no excuses. Because she wanted them. She wanted him to tell her he’d been forced. That it hadn’t been his choice.
She hated that she had reason to say those three most terrifying words to Matt, her heart and soul. A tear dripped from the corner of her eye and slid slowly across her nose before falling to the bedsheet. Then another.
Matt lay down facing her and scooted close. He stroked her back for a long time, ran his fingers over her hair. “I’m sorry,” he said softly. “I’m so damn sorry, Abby.” He kissed her lightly on the lips, the forehead, then pulled back and cradled her cheek in his hand. “I went in that day to sign the papers. I did not plan on leaving you. That’s the truth.” His fingers tightened in her hair. “You have to know that.”
She sniffed and nodded, processing and accepting.
“I’ll never leave you again, baby. I don’t expect you to believe me, but…” He trailed off and touched his forehead to hers.
The saltiness of tears burned her raw eyelids and a sob tore through her at the wrongness of it all.
He’d come back. She should be happy, should be throwing her arms around him and thanking God, and she was, she did. But she’d lost her security, her rope, everything that kept her from falling.
And she hated herself for it, but…she hadn’t just wanted him to come back. She’d wanted him not to have left.
—
Matt snapped Gracie into her car seat, threw a quick glance across the backseat to Jack, and closed the door. Charlie was already home from his mom’s and napping. Tony stood in the driveway, his expression one of pity mixed with relief and anger. No, not anger. Blame. The fact that the kids had stayed at his brother’s just reiterated how bad things had been.
“I don’t know what you expected,” Tony said.
Matt stared over his brother’s shoulder at the bare limbs of a sycamore. Neither did he. All he’d thought about was getting back to them.
He owed his brother a thank-you. For being there when he wasn’t. For looking after his family. But the words stuck in his throat.
“I’m not going to question what you did,” Tony said. “I know you love Abby and those kids, and I know you well enough to understand it must have been damn important. But you have to understand, whatever the reason, there are consequences. No matter how noble, there are consequences to every action.”