“Really?”
“Oh yes. It’s native to coastal beaches throughout the Americas. I suspect this specimen here was introduced as an ornamental.”
“You have to watch it with introduced species, Ray. They can wreak havoc on an ecosystem.”
“Most people underestimate the fragility of marine landscapes.”
Suddenly it became hard to see—and then I couldn’t see anything, at which point I felt a searing bolt of pain on my forehead. Fuck me ragged—had I passed out again? I hadn’t eaten a fucking thing in hours.
“Ray? Ray? You okay?” Neal was looming over me, backlit by stars. “You banged your head on a palm tree.”
“Fucking hell. I had the most ghastly dream while I was passed out there. A nightmare—a delusion? Whatever you want to call it. You and me were walking along and talking about plants and stars, and it was so fucking boring. I mean, me talking about plants?”
“Never want that to actually happen.”
“You said it. How far are we from the tent city?”
“It’s just ahead.”
Neal helped me to my feet. We found a small path and tiptoed along it, ending up just a few tents down from Fi’s. Brilliant. A handful of people were to-ing and froing, their eyes glued to iPhones.
“Perfect. Everyone’s too busy to notice us.”
“Okay, Ray, you go out and get the T-shirt.”
“Me? Why me?”
“Because you know where it is, whereas I’d probably fuck up if I went.”
“Fair enough.”
“Hurry.”
So I did. I looked at a piece of wood as though it were an iPhone—one of those weird tricks of modern living that makes a person totally invisible. When I reached Fiona’s tent, as quick as a hawk, I swooped down and lifted the corner. The shirt was gone. Crap.
And that’s when I was clubbed on the head, but this time I didn’t pass out. I turned around to find Fiona, livid, holding a tiki log in her right hand, my T-shirt in its bag in her left.
“Raymond, I can’t believe you shoved Stuart out of the boat!”
“We did no such thing.”
“Don’t even bother pretending otherwise; I saw you do it.” She whacked me on the shoulder.
“What the fuck! Fiona, stop!”
“Where’s the boat, Raymond?”
I turned to face her. “Ahhh. So now I’ve got something you want, right?”
“You tool. In about thirteen minutes, every person on this island is going to realize that, with the network boat sunk, there are only a finite number of calories, almost no water, and way too many people here. I do not want to be a part of that scenario. You’ve got a boat. It’s a big advantage.”
“So …”
“So right now, you, me and our two children go to Neal’s house and ransack it for food. And then we take our hoard to some other, safer, hidden island. There are lots of them. And then we stay alive while everyone else dies a hideous, most likely cannibalistic death. After that, I have no further plans.”
She was right.
“And don’t even think of kicking me out of that boat, Raymond. You’re a family man now and you will live up to your responsibilities.”
“Neal has to come too.”
“Fair enough. At least he has genuine skills that could come in handy.”
“And he gets the Cure T-shirt as a reward.”
Fiona thought this over for longer than one might imagine, and then she heaved a sigh. “You’re right. Where is he?”
“I’m right here.” He was behind us.
“Good. You’ll have heard all this, then. We have to go clean out your place immediately.”
Poor Neal looked crestfallen. “It was such a perfect kingdom while it lasted. But I do see your point. I’ll go bring the boat around to the mangrove patch nearest the house.”
I was expecting to find Neal’s place looted already but when we looked in the windows, things were untouched. “Fiona, people are so fucking stupid.” Then I had a thought that sank my mood: “Christ. What about Mother?”
“I need to discuss that with you. Rumour has it she’s in Neal’s business centre having a fuckfest with Eamon.”
“Oh him. Well, they deserve each other. And honestly, shagging her brains out is a much more desirable way for Mother to go than sitting around with us feeling guilty because she may have to dine on a family member. Let’s keep her out of our plan.”
“Excellent idea.”
Just then Kyle and Emma showed up. Fiona briefed them, ending with, “And remember, make no noise whatsoever inside Uncle Neal’s house. We want Grandmum to enjoy her time giving Mr. Eamon his medically approved therapeutic shiatsu massage.”