Worst. Person. Ever(55)

Sarah made a brave face. “I have to get my things, Raymond.”

Being possessionless—I’d long since lost track of whatever I’d brought on this deranged odyssey—I waited out front while people packed. The natives surveyed my every move, brandishing their crude weapons at me. Then I heard a whisper from the front door. It was Sarah. “Raymond, come help me with this.”

This turned out to be a wheelbarrow-load of Spam-like tinned meats from China. The images on the labels reminded me of, say, the creatures from the Burgess Shale, magically brought back to life only to be slathered in salted goat gelatin and ruthlessly resealed into rectangular tins.

Oh Christ …

I was caught in a Spam spiral: that mystical state of mind where one’s brain becomes entirely absorbed by trying to analyze the contents of Spam and/or Spam-like products.

I thought of nipples—the nipples of all races—pressure-packed into convenient 5.5-ounce tins of—

“Raymond?”

“Whuzzat? Oh, sorry, Sarah. I was stuck in a Spam spiral.”

“Oh, I’ve had that happen too. It’s awful, but it always goes away.”

I stared at the barrow-load of tinned meat. “Sarah, are you sure you want to take this Spam-like food product with us?”

“We’ll be needing this. There probably won’t be another supply ship for months, if ever.” She smiled at me with her heart-melting Sarah smile. “That LACEY is one lucky girl. I wish I’d made my move when you were still available.”

“LACEY and I aren’t a couple!” I insisted.

“It’s okay. Fiona told me all about your fear of commitment, Raymond. There’s no possible doubt in my mind that you and LACEY are together for the long haul. I wouldn’t dream of doing anything that might derail your tender, newly born love.”

There was no doubt in my mind: LACEY must die.

The Burgess Shale Formation, located in the Canadian Rocky Mountains, is one of the world’s most celebrated fossil fields. At 505 million years old, it is one of the earliest fossil beds containing the imprints of soft tissue. Many of the animals present in the shale have bizarre anatomical features and bear only the slightest resemblance to other known animals. Examples include Opabinia, which had five eyes and a snout like a vacuum cleaner hose; Nectocaris, which was either a crustacean with fins or a vertebrate with a shell; and Hallucigenia, which walked on bilaterally symmetrical spines. Stephen Jay Gould’s book Wonderful Life (1989), brought the Burgess Shale fossils to the public’s attention. He suggested that the extraordinary diversity of fossils indicates that life forms at the time were much more diverse than those surviving today, and that many of the unique creatures were evolutionary experiments that became extinct.

If we ever wonder what life might look like on other planets, this is where we can see it.

“First thing we should do is cover the cans so that the natives don’t steal them.”

“You’re so clever.” Sarah grabbed some laundry from a line and gently wrapped the tins. I couldn’t help envisioning her swaddling our first child. “There,” she said, “Snug as a bug in a rug.”

My heart continued to melt.

“Look, there’s our shuttle bus.”

We walked busward through the protesting carb magnets, with Sarah attempting to bring peace along the way. “Such a lovely place, and your hygiene practices are so refreshing and planet-friendly. The ocean really does know what to do with poo, doesn’t it?”

Safely at the bus, we stowed the entire Spam barrow in a rear luggage compartment, then hopped on.

Fiona was already settled at the back of the bus, deeply engrossed in her iPad screen. Good.

Stuart, still outside, was barking into a military phone: “What do you mean the president wants his Cure T-shirt back? Are these people insane?” He poked a button at the bottom of the phone and hopped inside the bus. He glowered at me. “Oh. I see that Herry Potter is here.”

“Yes, yes, yes, Stuart, whatever.”

His attention migrated elsewhere. “Cheryl! Where’s the shot list for tomorrow morning?”

Sarah was smiling. “It’s so sweet to watch you two act like little boys.”

“How long have you and Stuart been together?”

“Three years now. Sometimes I wonder where it’s all going. He can’t seem to make his mind up about things.”

The bus was nearly full.

“There are days when I’d really like to maybe start fresh with some new guy, but …”

She looked infinitely sad. I took her hand and held it tightly in mine. “Don’t worry, Sarah. Things’ll all be good in the end.”