Nolan leaned one hand on the bathroom counter and closed his eyes. Replaying the scene in his mind, he felt guilty for his earlier moment of suspicion; it was obvious Zack had been just as miserable as he was. Why had he been so willing to doubt Zack’s motives? “Seriously, Tina. You didn’t see his face. He didn’t want to be doing it, and I’ve seen him fire people. I don’t know exactly what happened.”
“Where are you right now?”
“In the bathroom. I just took a pill.”
“Okay, good. You need to lie down and rest.”
He wanted to cry, but somehow he managed to hold back the tears. “I need to find another job so I don’t miss next month’s rent.”
“You’ll find one. But that doesn’t matter right now. Go rest. Sleep this off until the anxiety passes. Then you can figure out your next move.”
He knew she was right, and that he was in no condition to be able to fix this problem right now. Too bad his brain wouldn’t stop the merry-go-round of worry and blame, spinning his fear and panic into a vortex.
“Nolan?”
“I’ll go lie down.”
“I’m going to let Mom know what’s going on.”
“No. Please don’t.”
“I need to—”
“No, you don’t. I’m an adult, and I need to learn how to manage these moments on my own. I can’t keep running to you or Mom and Dad every time I have an issue.”
Tina’s frustration came through loud and clear in her sigh. “You don’t have to go through this alone.”
It was strange, but since Tina had moved and he’d thrown himself into his job, he’d felt as though he was finally taking control of his life. Now her concern seemed less well-intentioned than insulting. Of course he could handle things himself, just as he had before the accident. Of course he was a fully functional person again, able to manage his own affairs. His attitude had changed so much in such a short time.
It hadn’t hurt that the more time he’d spent with Zack, the more his world had opened up.
Had it only been a few days since they’d made love at Zack’s place? Those memories, still fresh, tangible, were something he could cling to. Better that than recalling the look of frustration and anger Zack had worn while he delivered the news. While their relationship as boss and assistant might be over, that didn’t mean they had to be done.
He cleared his throat and looked at himself in the mirror. “I’m not alone.”
“Now I’m going to worry about you all day.”
“Don’t. I’m home and I’m fine. You’re right: I’m going to have a nap and then tackle this when my mind is clear. I just needed to hear your voice. I miss you.”
“I miss you too.” She paused, and he could hear her shuffling something on the other end. “In fact, I’m glad you called. Mind you, not about the reason, but I’m happy to talk to you. I’ve been finding things hard. Out here. Alone.”
Ever since they were kids, Tina had always come across as the untouchable one; she had an iron will and let nothing get in the way of what she wanted. Hearing her admit that her move was harder than she’d expected broke his heart.
“I know you’re heading to work soon, but how about later we do a Skype call? I think we could both use some face time.”
“Oh that would be awesome. And since you’re not working, you could always come out here. I mean, there are jobs in Vancouver, and my place here is actually a two-bedroom. It would be like old times.”
The thought of leaving Toronto, of leaving Zack, hurt. Then again, they had made no commitments. They weren’t a couple and hadn’t even established whether they’d be seeing each other again after the interlude at Zack’s house. They’d had great sex, then Zack had checked his email for five minutes, and the next thing Nolan knew his world was turned upside down. While the thought of packing up and heading halfway across the country was slightly terrifying, at least with Tina he knew exactly what to expect.
“I’ll think about it, and we can talk more tonight.” His anxiety relaxed, though whether from his conversation with Tina or the early effects of the pills kicking in, he couldn’t be certain. “I love you.”
“Love you too. I’ll ping you later.”
Hanging up, he took the opportunity to splash water on his face before making his way to the bedroom. He hadn’t finished setting things up yet; half of his belongings were still in boxes down in the storage space. The barren walls and half-made bed gave the impression of a person in transition. The room held no personal effects, but was waiting to take on some life. It was strangely similar to Zack’s home, though his place was far neater than Nolan managed. No doubt, Zack had cleaners to help keep things tidy.
Zack.
He fell onto the bed and closed his eyes. It shouldn’t be weighing on him this much, not knowing where he stood with his sort-of lover. Shit, he should be more worried about the fact that he was going to have to look for a job again. The experience he’d gained from his short tenure at Compass would help, but the prospect of sending out résumés, going to interviews, making new friends . . . and doing it all alone . . .
That should be his concern. But the more he thought about what was really upsetting him, the more he knew it had nothing to do with needing to find a new job and everything to do with the thought of Zack no longer being a part of his daily life. He had loved coming into the office in the morning and watching the tension in Zack bleed away. Knowing Zack, Nolan doubted he was even aware of the subtle change. Like the way his lips would twitch up into a small smirk whenever Nolan brought him a coffee. Or the way he’d linger behind Nolan’s chair, standing closer than he should while they spoke.
The smell of Zack’s aftershave, his shampoo, hell, even the scent of his detergent were burned into Nolan’s brain. And the memories of Zack’s body, the way he touched Nolan’s scars, kissed them with reverence as he aroused the rest of him—no one had ever treated him with such passion and love.
Nolan sat bolt upright, his heart pounding hard.
Love. No, there was no way Zack was in love with him. Lust, no doubt about it. But love?
With shaking hands, he pushed his hair from his face. The real question wasn’t what Zack felt, but rather what Nolan felt for him.
Was it more than simple friends with benefits?
Yeah. It really was.
Shit.
He had to find Zack and talk to him about everything that had happened. He’d left so quickly, in such a panic, he hadn’t even considered that they had more to discuss than what was happening at Compass.
Nolan had lost his job, and that was undeniably awful. But Zack’s world had been shaken up too, and Nolan hadn’t spared a thought for him until hours later. What exactly had Samantha Rollins threatened him with? Would he have to give up the gym entirely? Was there a chance he might actually leave Compass? Nolan should have asked him questions instead of reacting, but panic had taken over his brain.
No . . . He knew the anxiety was real, but he couldn’t place all the blame on his condition any more than he could ignore it and make it go away. He had to live with it, and that included taking responsibility for how he treated the people he cared about. Possibly loved.
Now he was stuck, though. After the way they’d left things unfinished, should he call Zack or wait for him to call? Neither felt ideal. Maybe he needed more time.
If nothing else, he did have something to keep him busy while he looked for a new job. He might have been fired from Compass, but he could still follow through on his commitments to Ringside. And making progress there might be the perfect way to show Zack they had a future outside the company. If not, it was still the right thing to do.
Unfortunately, when he tried Zack’s office, he got his own outdated Compass voice mail. He slapped his forehead and dialed again, using Zack’s direct extension. More voice mail. After a moment of hesitation, he tried Zack’s cell phone. It went straight to voice mail without even ringing.
Nolan hung up with a big question mark floating in his mind. Was Zack out somewhere away from his office, too busy or upset to even pick up his phone, or was he ignoring the calls deliberately? Would he want to hear anything Nolan had to say about Ringside, now that Nolan was no longer his assistant at Compass?
Picking up his cell phone again, Nolan called the one person he knew would have the answers.
“Hi there. May I speak with Max, please?”
Nolan hadn’t been back to Frantic since his disastrous night out with Tina. There’d been no point in courting another incident when he was clearly not ready. But seeing the bar in the daytime put it in a strange light for him; it was less torture house and more warehouse.
After a brief phone call, Max had suggested Nolan come down to the bar so they could talk face-to-face. So there he stood, staring up at the unlit sign and trying to screw up enough courage to go in.
“Coming through.”
Nolan jumped out of the way of two men with their arms full of what appeared to be sound equipment. “Let me get the door for you.”
Well, no point in opening the door and then not going in. Nolan followed the men in, ignoring the sudden pounding of his heart. There were several people milling around, clearly getting ready to open. Three people stood behind the bar: two men and a woman who was currently laughing at the taller of the two.