Which had led him to the present time, trying to explain things to Tina that he still struggled to talk about in therapy. It hadn’t been as bad as he’d feared. Kind of a relief, in fact.
She put her other hand over his, cradling his fingers and looking down at them with a slight frown. “So the panic isn’t you remembering the crash, it’s all the stuff that came after? Being trapped, helpless, and losing hope?”
“Oh, I remember the crash too. You know it still freaks me out when I get into a car. Not as bad as I was at first, but still.” He chuckled. “I think I scared the shit out of Zack the other night about the seat belt. But it’s like you said. The worst thing was being in that car forever and feeling like I would die there and I couldn’t do anything about it.” The physical stuff reminded him of the mental stuff, and vice versa. None of that was likely to end anytime soon, though, and he couldn’t expect Tina to put her life on hold indefinitely.
“Nolan?”
He knew he had to say the words no matter how much they terrified him. “I shouldn’t have called you today. I should’ve dealt with the issue on my own.”
“I still don’t even know what happened.”
God, he wanted to tell her, but he didn’t know what to say. Not because he didn’t have the words, but because he didn’t want to pull her in further. “It was just a work thing.”
Tina jerked back, hurt showing on her face. “What do you mean a ‘work thing’? That’s never stopped you from telling me before.”
“I know. But like I said, I need to learn to get through these moments. You’re moving to Vancouver, and Mom and Dad don’t know how to react when I get like this.”
“Nolan, you know I’m—”
“Tina—”
“I might not have known all the details of what happened before now, the part of the accident that really stuck with you, but I’ve seen the aftermath. And the physical part alone would be enough to account for how you feel now. You still look away when you catch your reflection in a mirror, even though there’s nothing wrong with you.”
“Tina—”
“You push yourself too far too fast. Just like when you tried to go back to your training job. That was a call I never want to get again. For a while I thought they were going to commit you.”
“I’m—”
“You didn’t get out of bed for three weeks after that.”
“Tina, stop. I don’t need you to do this. I’m okay on my own.”
She jerked her hands from him. “Fine.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No, you’re not.” She got to her feet and gathered her things. “Since I’m not needed, I’ll go back to work.”
“Tina—”
“Just don’t. I need to go back to work. I left my team hanging, and they need me.” Like Zack had earlier, she walked out on him.
Nolan was gutted. He knew he’d done the right thing, and that Tina would continue to put his needs before her own if he didn’t give her a push to back off. He loved her and would always want and need her advice, but not at her expense. She’d worked hard to earn her promotion and would thrive in Vancouver.
What he needed to do was learn how to hold things together and get on with his life.
If that was even a thing.
What he wanted to do more than anything was to curl up in the fetal position on the couch, pull a blanket over his head, and sleep. Or, even easier, stop fighting this constant invisible battle, to let the fear and anger wash over him and simply cry. No. No, no, no, he had to fight it. Ignoring his full-body ache, he pushed himself to his feet and took a deep breath.
Focus on the here and now.
And breathe.
It was strange being home alone so early in the day, but it gave him the opportunity to relax. Needing to feel normal, he got out of his suit and found his old track pants; the comfortable ones that were well-worn from years of use. They were baggy and soft against his skin, helping to calm his emotions. The gray T-shirt was loose as well, giving him freedom to move as he liked, to stretch and come back to the moment and take stock of his needs.
Okay, he could do this now.
First thing was first—food. Not only would it help cheer him up, he could use it as a peace offering when Tina eventually forgave him and came back. Searching through the list of take-out menus by the phone, he made an order at the Indian place down the street that they both loved. They delivered, so no having to go outside, and the curry was excellent. When the doorbell rang twenty minutes later, he didn’t even ask who it was and pressed the buzzer. “Come up.”
He grabbed his debit card and jogged to the door when he heard the knock. “You were fast today.”
When he opened the door, Nolan could only stand and stare, not entirely certain if he was having a mental breakdown, or if he was actually seeing who was waiting at his door. Not the delivery man he’d expected, but instead Zack, two take-out bags in his hands.
“I ran into your guy downstairs as he buzzed your place and paid him. I figured I owed you that much.”
Nolan took the bags from him because, really, what else could he do? “Why are you here?”
“I wanted to make sure you were okay. And to apologize.” He nodded toward the doorway. “May I come in?”
Nolan knew he should say no. Really, this shouldn’t even be a consideration in the realm of things that might happen in life. Nothing good could come of having Zack in his home looking crestfallen and a bit ragged. Was that Scotch he smelled? “Have you been drinking?”
“I didn’t drive here if that’s what you’re worried about.”
“I never thought you would.” He squeezed the plastic bag handles, the weight of the food starting to dig into his palms. Tina would be home sooner rather than later, and he didn’t want any reason for her to be more upset than she already was. Having Zack here would certainly get her prodding him about what had happed to Nolan earlier to set him off. That conversation wouldn’t end well.
But when he looked into Zack’s eyes and saw that the normal flashing spark was gone, he couldn’t help but step aside. “I ordered enough for two.”
“I won’t stay that long.” Zack closed the door and took off his shoes. “Is your sister home?”
“No. She had to get back to work.” Because work is the cure-all for pissed-off sisters.
“That’s a lot of food for one person.”
“I was going to suck up to her with leftovers.”
It was strange having Zack in his home. Normally Zack was larger than life, filling any space he entered so there was barely any room left for the air. But here in the apartment, Zack seemed smaller. No less potent, but more contained, as though he was holding himself back. “So you came to make sure I was okay. I’m here. I’m fine.”
Zack nodded. “I’m glad.”
Nolan set the food on the counter and waited while Zack searched for whatever he was trying to say. The silence stretched on too long and threatened to restart the tension in Nolan’s chest. Sucking in a breath, he shook his head. “Can I get you something? Water? Coffee?”
“A second chance.”
He froze. “Pardon?”
For the first time since Zack had offered him the position, he looked as though he didn’t know what to say. “Last month I was tasked with the job of reducing the operating budget by fifteen percent. Funny enough, it was the same day I hired you. I need to find ways to cut technology costs, or else Compass will be left with no choice but to cut employees.”
“Oh.”
Zack nodded. “I’ve been trying to find a way to do just that. There isn’t a lot of fat to trim, but I refuse to give in, not when the livelihood of our staff is at stake. I ran into Chopra this morning after my meeting with Rollins. He demanded that I look at his proposal, that it would save the company millions. He was loud, obstinate, and drew attention. Samantha wanted to know why I hadn’t followed up with this, given what she’d mandated. This morning she told me that I have three weeks to come up with a plan or else she’s going to announce cuts at the next all-hands meeting.”
Nolan would have been furious as well. “I’m the reason Chopra was so confident that you’d listen to him.”
“You were, but that didn’t give me the right to take it out on you, especially when you didn’t know the full story. That said, I could use your help.” Zack ran his hand through his hair, making it stand up the way it had earlier that day. “I need an objective eye to review the information. If Chopra’s proposal is sound—and the kickback thing isn’t an issue—then I’ll bring it forward. If it isn’t workable, I need a plan B.”
There was something about Zack, the way he held himself, that told Nolan more was wrong. If they’d had this conversation this morning—before Nancy and her cupcake, before being yelled at, before being kissed—then he might have been more inclined to reach out, to ask what was the matter. But so much had transpired in such a short time, Nolan knew he needed to hold back. To pace himself and not get into a situation he couldn’t handle.
“I need you. I need you in the office.” Zack came closer but stopped before they were in kissing range. He cleared his throat; his gaze sliding from Nolan’s to roam his face, looking for who knew what. “Will you come back to work tomorrow? Will you help me?”