What a strange concept. As if anyone other than Beck could have occupied my thoughts for the past year. There was no room for anyone else.
“ No,” I shook my head.
I heard him sigh, but now I was curious. “Have you?” I asked.
I told myself that if he had, it would be okay. I wouldn’t let it be our Ross and Rachel moment. We weren’t together and I’d deal with the jealousy later.
“ I almost did,” he answered. “It was right when I got back to Boston and I was so pissed off at you for pushing me away. I went to a party and got drunk. I made out with a girl and we went upstairs—”
“ Stop,” I said, pressing my hands to his chest. “I don’t need the details if you guys didn’t have sex. God, I was so scared you would have a girlfriend. When I posted those flyers yesterday, all I could think about was how I would deal with the outcome if you had a girlfriend you were in love with.”
He laughed and shook his head. “Impossible.”
My cheeks flushed and I turned to inspect the kitchen. He kept his distance, watching me move around. I fingered his coffee maker and towel. The zombie salt and pepper shakers sat on top of his stove. I was soaking up details of his life. I wanted to know how many cups of coffee he drank a day. I wanted to know what he preferred to eat for breakfast. Maybe now we’d finally get the chance to figure those details out.
I turned to face him and then propped myself up to sit on the counter.
“ When did you see my note?” I asked, anxious to know how my plan ended up working.
His eyes danced with the memory of it. “I saw them all over campus yesterday when I was going to pick up some school supplies. But it wasn’t until I was sitting at a table in the union eating lunch earlier today that I actually read it. I guess someone had dropped a few on the tables because I was taking a bite of my sandwich and then I looked down to see that headline. I didn’t believe it at first; I thought my eyes were playing a trick on me.”
I felt weightless sitting on top of his kitchen counter. His voice carried hints of surprise, elation, love .
Then he swapped the topic on me in a flash. “How’s your health? Is your heart okay?” he asked, crossing his arms and studying me intently.
“ It’s finally good, Beck. I’ve been on the same medication and dosage for eleven months. My immune system is as good as it can be while I take the medication. It won’t be easy, but I already have a cardiologist up here and it’s my top priority. I have an appointment with him tomorrow actually.”
He nodded and closed his eyes as he inhaled deeply. Had he been worried about my health over the past year?
“ Now it’s my top priority, too. I’ll drive you to your appointment tomorrow if you’ll let me.” His eyes flickered open again. They were a darker shade of hazel than usual. He stared right at me as he crossed the kitchen and came to stand in front of me. His hands drifted up my knees and over my thighs. His thumb ran along the inseam of my jeans.
I mashed my lips together, unable to look away from his exploring fingers. With a gentle tug, he pulled my thighs apart so that he could step in between them. My hips were right on the edge of the counter, so when he stepped forward our bodies pressed together.
“ I’d like that. Then maybe we can see if Sammy wants to get lunch or something,” I asked, hopeful.
“ Sounds good. My friend, James, just got back into town for classes, so I could invite him, too,” he answered. He was still running his fingers along the inseam of my jeans, making it more and more impossible to concentrate on the here and now. His hands trailed up my jeans and traced along the bare skin that touched the hem. My stomach flip flopped and I felt my skin flush in response. His touch flooded me with warmth I hadn’t felt since he left.
“ Stay the night with me,” he murmured, gently unbuttoning my jeans. By that point, I was beyond comprehension of things that didn’t entail his touch on my skin. I’d sleep on the ground outside if it meant he wouldn’t stop.