It was the easiest, most obvious question ever. And yet it rendered me completely blank, because in that moment, I couldn’t remember why I was still so determined to do this. The only thing I could think to say was that it was because I’d told her I would. I would not go back on my word.
But after licking my extremely dry lips, I pushed out my shaking voice, “Be-because she’s my best friend.”
Lie. That was such a lie. A year ago, it would’ve been the truth. Hell, even a couple months ago, it had been the truth. But today, I didn’t even know if I’d consider her a passing friend.
Across the overly hot room, the psychologist nodded and made a note on his pad. For some reason, I wondered if he was really making a notation about me or if he was just playing tic-tac-toe with himself.
Then he lifted his face and sent me a smile that creeped me out more than it settled my nerves. “From Cora’s notes here, it says she was a year older than you and took you under her wing. Is that right?”
I blinked as he shuffled through a few pages as if to find the line he was quoting. But...what? Cora had already talked to him? Cora had...? What exactly had she told him about me? What did he already know?
My breathing began to escalate. “I...” I nodded because nothing he said was a lie. “Yes, I guess.”
“And she’s the, uh, the spearhead of your friendship? You’re the follower?”
I didn’t mean to frown, but something about the way he phrased that rubbed me all kinds of wrong—though, okay, that was how it had been back in high school. I had followed along with whatever idea Cora had, done whatever Cora had wanted to do, followed like a good, faithful little sheep.
But here in Ellamore? Yeah, that wasn’t the way of our friendship at all.
I didn’t tell him that, though. I didn’t tell him she felt like more a stranger to me these days. So I shrugged and agreed with his assessment. “Sure.”
He nodded as if self-congratulating himself for his brilliant deduction. “It sounds as if Cora is a pretty important person in your life. She said you didn’t have a great home life, so she kind of acted as your family. Like a big sister. I guess I’m saying I’m worried about attachment issues. I don’t want you to think of her as your crutch.”
Whoa! What?
The last thing I thought of Cora as was a crutch.
Okay, maybe two years ago when she’d “taken me under her wing,” I’d latched on to her friendship because it was the only thing I’d had. But then I’d had a year severed from her to learn how to deal with things on my own, and the only reason I’d come here to Ellamore was to help her, not so she’d take care of me again. Lately, I’d actually been dreaming up ways to peacefully cut ties with her after the transplant was over.
“Sharing your kidneys between the two of you isn’t going to make you one person or tighten any emotional connection between the two of you. You’re still going to be your own person, and she’s going to be hers. You do realize that, right, Zoey?”
What the hell?
I nodded, because I didn’t know how to answer without telling him he was insane. I didn’t want to be one with Cora. I didn’t even want to be like Cora.
But I really wanted to know what kind of story she’d fed him. Remembering how she’d told me she’d thought I was a lesbian with a crush on her, I sank lower into the couch, hoping to God she hadn’t told him that. But he was making it sound like I was obsessively in love with her, so...she probably had.
“I...I know that,” I said, not sure what else to say without outright telling him his idea was completely whack.
“And then there’s the possibility that her body might reject the new kidney. What would you do if the transplant wasn’t successful and she didn’t make it?”
“I don’t know,” I whispered, and honestly, I didn’t know. I hadn’t thought of what would happen after. I’d been too focused on just getting it done.
“I...I guess I’d finish school,” I said dumbly.
He lifted an interested eyebrow. “Here? At ESU?”
I nodded. “Yeah. I mean, sure. I’ve already enrolled and am halfway through a semester.”
Plus, Quinn was here. Which was a totally inappropriate, awful thought to have right now, but I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about him being in my future.
“So, you think you could handle being here by yourself, without any family or friends around?”
I kind of wanted to laugh in his face. I had more friends here than I’d ever had at home. Caroline, Reese, Quinn. Even Ten. The idea of leaving actually made me recoil with dread. This place was my home now. And the friends I’d made since coming here were the closest family I’d ever had.