“I know it is. But it’s true. That’s the ‘bargain’ you were talking about. You’re punishing yourself for making a mistake when you were eighteen years old. A mistake that led to Will, who you love more than anything in your life. But you’re still to blame for being irresponsible, for letting your guard down. You think if you do it again, something else will be taken away. Like Will. Especially Will. So you don’t dare let yourself be happy.”
Holly’s head was pounding. “You’re nuts,” she spat out. “I’m not going to sit here and listen to this.”
“Fine. But you’ll have to grow up sometime, Holly. If you want to be a whole person, you’ll have to grow up.”
“Grow up? Damn it, Alex, I’ve always been grown up! I was born grown up!”
“Not really. Growing up means letting go of the past. Realizing that life is complicated and that people make mistakes. Realizing that bad things happen, and that you can’t prevent them by bargaining with your happiness. Growing up means knowing there are no guarantees, and still having the courage to risk your heart.”
Alex leaned toward her again, his hands gripping the arms of his chair as if he were trying not to reach out for her. “Not that it would have been such a risk with me. I love you, Holly. I’ll never love anyone else.”
Holly drew her knees up against her chest, wrapping her arms around her legs as if to protect herself. “But why?” she said. “Why do you love me? I don’t understand it. All I’ve ever done is push you away.”
He smiled a little. “Yeah, well, I’m not saying it’s been easy. In fact it’s been a major pain in the ass. But if you want to know, I’ll tell you.”
He drew a deep breath. “I love you because you bug me. Because you’re the most exasperating woman I’ve ever known. Because you got under my skin when I was sixteen years old, and worked your way into my heart.
“I love you because you gave Will the gifts you never had. Gifts I never got, either. You were mother and father to him, and put him ahead of everything else, and gave him all the unconditional love and support you never got from your own parents.
“I love you because underneath your mask you’re like a force of nature. You make love like that, you know. With passion. With everything you are. I think you could love a man like that, too—if it was the right man. If you let yourself.”
He took another breath. “We belong together. I look at you and I know I’m home, because there isn’t any other place in the world I want to be.”
He stood up. “But I can’t keep asking you for something you can’t or won’t give. I can’t keep offering my heart when it’s the last thing in the world you want. It hurts too much, Holly.”
He looked toward the wing of the hospital where Will was. “If Will wants to see me anytime, day or night, call me and I’ll come.” And with that he was gone, pushing through the swinging doors that led outside to the parking lot.
For a long time after he left Holly just sat there, unable to move. Finally she struggled to her feet and went down the hall to Will’s room, and the sight of him sleeping peacefully was reassuring and terrifying at the same time. Alex’s words came back to her, and she knew that he’d been right, right about everything.
Suddenly, without warning, she slid down to the floor and started to cry.
She cried for what seemed like hours, and as the tears kept coming and coming and the sobs racked her body, Holly felt something deep inside her start to release. Something hard, and tight, and poisonous. Something that had been there a long time.
Eventually the tears slowed. And after a while she was quiet again, feeling empty and drained and oddly peaceful.
“Hey, Mom, please don’t cry. The doctor said it’s a mild concussion. I’m totally fine.”
Holly scrambled to her feet and looked at her only son, who had woken up and was smiling at her.
Her heart soared. “Will!” She knelt down at his bedside and smoothed his hair away from his face. “I wasn’t crying over you,” she said, giving him a watery smile. “I was crying over me.”
“Well, I like that. What kind of mom are you? I’ve got the IV and the beeping machines and a really bad headache, and you’re not crying over me?”
“Nope,” she said, kissing him on the forehead. “Because you’re totally fine. The doctor said so, remember?”
Will gave a dramatic sigh. “Years from now when I write my memoirs this is going to be a major chapter.”
Her smile turned into a grin. “Will it be as major as the chapter where your mother marries your high school coach?”