It was while she was doing that, her hand shaking as she tried to manipulate pen on paper, that Alex came up behind her.
“Holly, I’m so sorry.”
“It’s not your fault,” she said without looking at him. “It’s mine.” She finished the last page and pushed the clipboard across the counter to the medical receptionist. Alex took her arm and turned her gently to face him.
“Holly, there is no way you can blame yourself for this. If it’s anyone’s fault it’s mine. I let Will start that game even though he’s only fifteen—”
“He wanted to play. You couldn’t have stopped him.”
“I could have taken him out before that last series.”
“Why? Are you clairvoyant? Did you think that kid was going to hit him after the whistle like that?”
“Of course not, but I—”
Holly shrugged and started to walk away. “I told you, Alex, it’s my fault.”
“Holly, that’s insane! How can you possibly think that?”
“Because it is.”
“Holly, listen to me—”
“I have to go back in to Will.”
“Holly, wait. Before you go in there and start telling your son how this is all your fault, which is not what he needs to hear right now, take one minute and talk to me.”
Holly stopped walking and turned to face him. “Fine,” she said, her voice empty of emotion. They were in a quiet corner of the waiting room and Holly sat down on another hard plastic chair. “What do you want me to say?” she asked.
Alex stared at her for a moment and then sank down into the chair beside her.
“Tell me how this is your fault.”
Everything in her felt tight, and hard, and hot. “Because I let my guard down.” She met his eyes, and focused on him for the first time. “Sitting there in the stands today, I realized that I’m in love with you. And I felt happy. Really happy, like a child feels, without—without reservations. As if everything was beautiful and wonderful and safe.” She took a deep breath and pressed her hands together in her lap. “And then look what happened.”
Alex leaned toward her. “You think Will got knocked unconscious because you realized you love me? Because you let yourself feel happy for two seconds?”
“Yes!” she said passionately. “This is what happens when you let yourself go. The first time, I got pregnant and my parents kicked me out of the house. The second time, I got drunk and hungover and I let our house burn down. And now this.”
Alex was staring at her as if she were speaking a foreign language. Suddenly it seemed very important to make him understand.
“It’s like a bargain I made years ago,” she said, and although she didn’t realize it, her voice was a little higher than usual, like a young girl’s. “I can have Will, I can keep him safe, but only if I—if I—you see, if I’m good, nothing bad will happen. If I don’t try to be happy, Will can be happy. And then I broke the bargain. I thought about myself, I let myself love you, and—oh, God, Will!”
Alex put one hand on each side of her face, gently. “Holly, that’s crazy. If you listened to yourself you’d see that. You’re talking like a frightened little girl, not a grown woman. You—”
Suddenly he stopped. “I get it now,” he said, half to himself. “I finally get it.”
Holly’s face was wet with tears again, and she brushed a hand across her eyes. “You get it, huh? What exactly do you get, Alex?”
He sat back and looked at her. “When you got pregnant. You were young and scared…still a kid, really. Your own parents were ashamed of you. You weren’t their perfect little girl anymore. You weren’t Brian’s perfect girlfriend anymore. The baby you hadn’t asked for took everything else away. And you took his side, fought for him against the whole world.”
He took a breath. “That’s one of the thousand reasons I love you, by the way. You gave birth to Will, and loved him and cared for him, and made a life for him without anybody’s help. Still, the loss of your old life had to hurt. You’re human. But you couldn’t blame Will, could you?”
Holly felt sick to her stomach for some reason. “Of course I couldn’t! Blame Will? He’s the best thing that ever happened to me!”
Alex nodded. “I know. I know he is. You couldn’t blame Will—so you blamed yourself. You still do. That’s why you’re not allowed to be happy. You’re still blaming yourself, even for things you have no control over.”
Holly breathed in through her nose. “That’s crazy,” she said tightly.