He continued. “Because I seem to remember you telling me that no matter what had happened in the past, you could choose your present. No matter how broken you were, it didn’t take away your right to consent. It seems only fair I should get the same treatment.”
“You are very pleased with yourself right about now, aren’t you?”
“Very. But that probably has more to do with the two amazing orgasms I just had.”
The trill of a cell phone sounded from the kitchen. An echoing alarm rang in my chest. It was happening, dissolving in my hands, and nothing I could do would stop it.
“I’ve got to check that.” He ducked into the bathroom and emerged, slinging on his clothes. “There might be news on Henri.”
“What if there is?” I sat up, pulling the sheet to cover me.
“Then we’ve got to get over there. I do, anyway. You can stay here.”
I frowned. “You’re not going without me.”
He made an impatient motion as the phone abruptly cut off, probably going to voice mail. “We can figure that out later.”
“That means you can tell me no later. I’m going.”
“Look, for all I know, it’s a wrong number,” he said, though that seemed more unlikely as the phone rang a second time. He gave me a curious look. “What’s wrong, Shelly?”
Everything. “I’m just trying to figure out if that was our last time, that’s all. If we go back to Chicago and confront Henri, then what? Will I go back to being your informant? Or not even that? Will you call me and leave voice mails about how your day went? Just tell me where we’ll stand.”
A frustrated sound left his throat. “I don’t know, but if we don’t find Henri soon, we’re all fucked. That has to be our first priority.”
Priorities, responsibilities. There was Claire and the shelter. So many girls who needed help, when our failure was all but guaranteed.
“Why can’t we just stay here?” I heard the pleading in my voice and hated it. I knew it was unreasonable, but we were flying here. Almost delirious with weightlessness, I would rather burn up in the sun than fall in the grit of the earth. “You said that it’s safe. Undetectable. Why do we need to go back?”
“And never leave?” The doubt in his voice conveyed just how ridiculous that idea was.
“I don’t need anyone but you.”
His face softened. “I understand it’s scary. But this is the best way for everyone. What about Ella?” He paused. “And I thought you understood. This is my best chance to find out what happened to my sister.”
Tightness formed in my chest, one I recognized well. The disgrace of selfishness, the feeling of inevitability. Like staring out the window, looking over the houses of my friends, feeling cold hands lift my skirt. I couldn’t stop any of this. Once upon a time, I had tried to escape my fate. To my eternal shame, I had been willing to use my friends as an excuse. I had pretended to help Allie so that I could be free. Here I was, years later, doing the same thing, desperate to stay with Luke at his expense.
I swallowed. “I know where Henri is.”
“Right. We’ll find him and—What?”
“Or at least a clue. The girl in the bathroom said he was in a building called the Barracks. It might be an old airport just outside Chicago.”
He blinked. “You’re just now telling me this?”
“I’m sorry.”
“Christ, Shelly. I don’t need an apology.” The anger in his voice made me wince. “Tell me why.”
I’m a coward. I angled my head, looking up beneath my lashes. “I wanted to spend a little more time with you.”
He made a slashing motion, green eyes flashing. “I told you not to play the hooker with me.”
“Don’t play the hooker? This isn’t a game, Luke. It’s who I am. Don’t you get that? I can’t stop being one any more than I can cut away my skin.”
His harsh breaths filled the space between us.
I liked to think he understood all the things I couldn’t say. I liked to think he felt it too, the melodious tumble of locks fitting together that happened whenever we came close. From our professions to our backgrounds, everything conspired to keep us apart. But from the moment we’d met, all I could think about was being together.
The shrill tone of his phone broke the spell. He turned and left the room.
Naked on the bed. How many times had I found myself this way?
I was tired of it, so weary of being used and discarded. It was my own fault for flying so close to the sun. Maybe this was what Allie had been trying to protect me from. I lay in bed alone, listening to him make plans without me, the low sound of his voice was a cold and somber lullaby.