Allie’s eyes never left mine. “Ella, can you excuse us a moment?”
“Uh-oh. It must be time for my spanking.”
She grabbed an extra doughnut before heading out. “Okay. If I hear any screaming, I’m going to assume they’re cries of ecstasy.”
“What are you teaching that girl?” Allie asked when Ella had cleared the room.
“I think she’s been watching too much HBO.”
“And what’s this about Luke?”
“Yeah, you know, the detective who can gather clues and make arrests and stuff. I figure he’ll be useful to have around, since we want to get our names cleared. Legally. Philip would probably start World War III before our drinks came.”
“Whatever, it’s always about Luke with you. Seriously, can you guys just go fuck it out? The world would be grateful.”
“Tried that. He didn’t want me.”
She made a sound of disbelief. “The way he looks at you, the way he talks about you. He’s into you. Big-time.”
“Yeah, and he still doesn’t fuck me. Makes you wonder what’s holding him back, doesn’t it?”
“Honestly? Not really, no. He’s a nice guy and all, but I’m much more concerned about you. Why don’t you just forget about him? There are other cops, other men.”
She didn’t sound convinced, though, as if she knew her words were falling on deaf ears, and oh, they were. Other cops? To pay off so I could work uninterrupted. Other men? Other paychecks. There was no one but Luke for me. There wasn’t even him. Just me and my wanting of him.
“Don’t you think I’d let him go if I could?” I dropped my voice. “I can’t. I think…I think I might love him.”
“Bullshit,” she said with a roll of her eyes.
“Excuse me?”
“What do you care about, exactly? His penchant for singing show tunes in the shower? Or maybe it’s the way he cuddles with you after sex. No, wait, you guys don’t have sex. And you don’t know anything at all about him.”
Righteous anger flooded me, a relief really, because what the hell? “And I suppose you knew every secret of Colin’s life before you fell in love with him.”
“I didn’t pretend to love him when he barely gave me the time of day.”
I suppressed my gasp of pain with ruthless efficiency. I could control my breath, my body, the goddamned spasms in my cunt to fake an orgasm. That was why every man wanted me, everyone except for Luke. “I want it to be real,” he’d said. Except I’d faked it for so long I didn’t know how to stop. If I wasn’t pretending, wasn’t modeling every word, every turn of my head to elicit the proper reaction, what would I do? If I stripped away the sultry sexpot and the ruthless working girl and even the doting godmother, what would be left?
“Then tell me.” I swallowed hard, willing to beg. “Tell me what I have to do to make him want me.”
Her laugh was harsh, metal on metal. “You’re like some sort of man whisperer. You know what they’re thinking, what they want. You know how to be around them so that they all fall at your feet. With Luke, you’re dumb as a rock. And maybe that’s the best argument I’ve ever heard for you two getting together.”
“I’ll make him want me,” I said grimly. “And you’ll eat your words.”
Allie stared straight ahead, her expression closed, her body rigid. It was clear she didn’t understand me. We used to see men the same way. They used us, and we used them right back. But she was in love now, happy now, and I guess she didn’t have the black heart to keep up the charade.
Tiredly, she said, “I’m not going to argue with you.”
“Well, there’s a first time for everything.” I hated the nasty turn in my voice; I reveled in it. “You think you’ve got me figured out? Because you landed yourself a man, the only one in the city who was willing to put up with your bullshit?”
Shock widened her eyes, parted her lips.
“I bet you repay him nicely too. Do you give him shit if he stays out late? Nag him to put the toilet seat down? That’s what wives do, but you’ll make it up to him at night. Make him forget about all the trouble you cause, because hell, I told you what to do with your mouth.”
Once upon a time, she would have called me a bitch. She would have put me in my place.
She turned to me, her frown slight, more thoughtful than hurt. “You went too far.”
The quiet words stung more than epithets. “So leave.”
“I will,” she said, and I held my breath. “But I’ll come back. You’ll keep pushing me, and I’ll keep coming back, because I owe you my life. You saved me a hundred times over, and nothing you could ever say or do to me will be enough to repay that.”