Wild Dirty Secret(32)
Luke should come with you.
Jade’s words kept repeating in my head, a slippery invitation to my darkest desires, excuses to cling to when I slid down, down. Besides, I reasoned, this way I could see Luke and not break down at the thought that he’d never wanted me. What had he been thinking when I’d pushed myself on him? Before, I would have said repressed desire. Now I thought maybe disgust. The whore who couldn’t even be in the same room with a man without humping him. And my actions with Philip last night proved it.
I didn’t waste much time on regret. Why poke the base of a house of cards? And yet my situation with Ella irked me. I hadn’t really done anything wrong. Why was she even mad? That I’d slept with a man on her behalf? Or that I’d slept with the man who’d rejected her? Goddamn teenagers. I couldn’t get her hurt expression from when she’d found us out of my mind.
Downstairs, I found Ella sulking into a coffee mug that smelled like chocolate.
“So, did you have a good night?” I asked.
She said nothing, glaring at her drink like she could bring it to boil through sheer force of will.
“I did,” I said, sitting across from her. “I always sleep great. It’s a gift and a curse.”
“Why would that be a curse?” she asked before catching herself.
“Isn’t that the proverbial moral compass? That way I could know when I’d done something bad. Though I’d probably get permanent insomnia.”
She snorted.
“Hey, I know. You can just tell me why exactly you’re upset, and we won’t have to rely on my faulty internal equipment.”
She frowned at me.
“Lay it on me. I’ll even let you smack me around if it’ll make you feel better. I normally charge extra for that.”
She choked a laugh. “I can’t believe some of the things you say.”
“Believe it, baby. Here’s a lesson about lying: tell the truth. You don’t have to tell the whole truth, just the parts that work for you. Me, I hardly ever lie.”
“That statement could be a lie.”
“What is this, a paradox? I’m trying to be a mentor here.”
“And for reasons that are beyond me at the moment, I’m trying to learn from you. It doesn’t make sense, because I don’t want be a…a…”
“Hooker. Say it, or I’m going to start calling it the-profession-that-must-not-be-named, and the last thing I need is another mouthful.”
“An escort,” she finished. “I don’t want to be one, but I still want to be like you. Is that crazy?”
It was sweet. Humbling. And a really bad idea. “If that’s crazy, then so am I. I want the same thing, honey.”
“So why were you there, at the penthouse? Why not just quit?”
Ah, what a question. If prostitution was the oldest profession, then how to quit was the oldest dilemma. “It’s hard to explain.” I thought for a moment. “Did you know a spider has venom to paralyze its prey? Most people just think about the web, but it’s the venom that incapacitates them. Then it liquefies them, all before the spider takes a sip.”
“That’s disgusting. Also, please stop being creepy.”
“My point is, the guns and the beatings, even the money, that’s the web. It’s easy to see, so people think that’s why prostitutes stay in the life. But really they’re stuck because of the venom, the sick poison of shame and fear that we’ll never fit in with regular people again—it paralyzes us. We stay there, frozen, even knowing that we’re going to get eaten.”
“Oh, Shelly,” came Allie’s voice from the door. “You are like normal people.”
Something caught in my chest before I breathed it out. “This is why you don’t lie,” I told Ella. “Too easy to spot.”
Allie dropped a box of doughnuts on the table, and Ella grabbed one.
“Now what is this I hear about a trip to a club?” Allie asked as she grabbed her own doughnut.
“Who told you that?”
“A little birdie.” When I stared at her, she conceded. “Okay, Adrian may have told me about your clothes. And the fake IDs.”
“Traitor,” I said, snatching the doughnut from Allie’s hand.
She rolled her eyes and grabbed another. “Someone has to talk you out of it. It’s a dumb idea.”
“It’s the only idea,” I said. “Which makes it a good one.”
“I assume you’re bringing Philip along for protection,” Allie said, probing.
I examined my nails, feigning nonchalance even though I’d never get it past her. “Actually, I’m bringing Luke. Or I will, as soon as I ask him and he says yes.”