“This whole time?” I asked, incredulous. He had been here this whole time?
He looked me in the eye, and it was like the curtain lifted, not because I had nosed my way back and exposed him, but because he was revealing himself, the man behind the curtain. All that earnestness was made more potent by the slight tilt of his lips. “Where else would I go?”
And then, like a dam breaking, he unleashed it all. “I’m so sorry, Shelly. It was my fault, not yours, not yours at all. I should never have gotten you involved in this. I should have protected you, not put you in danger. I should have convinced you to get out, and this never would have happened.”
Maybe the bullet had gone higher than I’d thought. It felt like there was swelling in the vicinity of my throat, making it hard to swallow. And some sort of malfunction too, in my eyes, causing them to water and spill down my cheeks. But he was there to fix it, drawing the tears away with his lips. Kiss it where it hurts.
“But you’re done with them now, aren’t you?”
His voice sounded thick, like maybe he was afflicted too. Like maybe it was contagious, this horrible, hopeful feeling.
“You won’t go back to Philip now, or anyone else. You can start a new life. Anywhere you want, doing anything you want.”
“I can’t—I don’t know—”
“You can, Shelly,” he said fiercely. “I know you can do this. I believe in you.”
He couldn’t know how much I wanted to quit. For so long I had dreamed of leaving, like drifting away on a cloud—nothing practical, no concrete plans that would disintegrate into dust the minute sunlight touched them. But how could I… And then I looked into his eyes, and I thought, how could I not? He was the goal here; he was the prize. All I had to do was the impossible. Walk through fire, and I would win a chance with him. Be a normal girl with a normal job, and I would be worthy of it.
“I will,” I said. “I’ll quit, I swear it. I’ll find a new job and a new apartment, where they can’t find me. I’ll never…do that…” Suddenly I couldn’t say it. I had performed the act a hundred different ways with a hundred different men, but I couldn’t say the words.
“You don’t have to say. I know. I trust you.”
Chapter Sixteen
Present day
The worst part of the whole thing was that he had. He’d trusted me, and I’d fucking lied. I hadn’t meant it as a lie, but I should have known it was impossible for someone with my past to live a normal life. But there I went, wishing on another star, and this time there wasn’t even Luke’s worried face above me, just a pissed-off, anxious teenager at nine o’clock in the morning. After opening up to her, I hadn’t had any energy left—nor any desire to hear her pity. So I’d hit the sack. It looked like my reprieve was over.
Ella wanted to talk about the past. She wanted a plan for the future. But I only ever lived in the present. It kept me from hyperventilating and was cheaper than therapy.
“So what, are we just going to wait around until they find us?” she asked.
Still frustrated from my dream, from my failures, I rolled over. “Give me a few minutes.”
“You’ve been sleeping all morning. It’s afternoon now. Did you know that?”
Sighing, I tried to rub the old hurt and bitterness from my eyes. Now wasn’t the time to mess with me, but she didn’t know that or she didn’t care. Wasn’t she supposed to be pissed at me for blowing Philip? Or maybe she was glad about it now, because she didn’t sound angry. I couldn’t keep up.
I glared at her as the pounding in my head grew louder. “I should have left you there at that fucking hotel.”
“I did tell you to leave me alone, if you recall. You’re the one who didn’t listen.”
“And I’m not listening now either. Notice a pattern?”
“I’m just trying to help.”
I rolled my eyes. “Go fuck Philip if you want to make yourself useful.”
She looked stricken right before she ran from the room.
I flopped back on the bed, beating my head against the wall. Shit. I shouldn’t have said that. It had just hurt so much to see Luke’s brilliant eyes in my dream, then Ella’s with the same hopeful shine. I was failing them both.
At least I was awake now. Self-loathing would do that to a person.
Though it wasn’t all bad. I needed to make a visit, and illicit anticipation rushed through me at the thought. I had broken my promise to Luke, but I would still take whatever pleasure I could get from him, wring every second of his company.
I thought about going to the club alone. Being Henri’s girl had always afforded me a certain amount of protection. But now, this time, my identity would be a secret. A lone girl in a place like that… Well, look at what happened to Ella. Instead, my disguise would be commonplace, and strung-out, drugged-up girls being dragged around by a grungy boyfriend, dealer, and occasional pimp were a dime a dozen in Chicago’s underground scene.