“Are you okay?” he asked gruffly.
“I’m fine, I promise.”
He turned his face away, and I clutched his arm as if it were a life raft. Where did this clinginess come from? I didn’t know, but it gripped me, and in turn, I couldn’t let him go. I didn’t mind his roughness earlier, didn’t mind the bruises. I couldn’t stand for him to push me away. If he left me now, there wouldn’t be any time to make it right between us. It wasn’t fair to him, putting all that pressure on one experience. Was it real? Intimacy, love? For once, finally? I had to know, as the unseen timer ticked down to zero. I had to believe I’d lived before I died.
“Please, Luke. Don’t shut me out, not now.”
“What do you want me to do?” he asked with a challenge in his voice. “Tell me what you want me to say.”
I want it to be real between us. It was my plea this time, my unspoken words butting up against an uncaring lover. No, not uncaring. He was hurt and fighting back. I understood that, though I’d rarely done it myself. But that was Luke, who had clawed his way up until the world had given him respect. And this was me, who accepted what I was given and wondered, wondered, wondered if it would ever be enough.
“I’m sorry I pushed you. Forget I asked.” I stroked his chest, hoping his heart would calm.
He sat up, pulling away. “You know what it’s like. Right, Shelly? You know we don’t like to be touched. So why are you all over me? Why can’t I seem to shake you?”
Tears ran down my cheeks. I hated to see him like this, raging and hurting.
“I don’t know,” I said, shivering. I just wanted him to feel better. “I’ll pretend he never told me.”
“What for? You know the truth. You know that I was too much of a coward to tell you myself, even when I knew you did the same. You know that I took it up the ass since I was sixteen, but you know what else? I’m guessing you did too.”
I recoiled. “Stop it.”
“Am I right? If I guessed right, I think I should win a prize.”
My breath exhaled in shaky jolts. “You’re being cruel on purpose. To push me away.”
“Way to state the obvious, Shelly. Next you’ll tell me I know how to suck a cock. Probably better than you, and between the two of us, that’s saying something.”
I stared at him, burning the image of him into my mind. He was rabid, a cornered animal, a tortured one. And I couldn’t help him. I turned and crawled to the other side of the cell. It didn’t have quite the same effect without a slamming door and screech of tires, but we were beyond theatrics. There was only desolation here, only tears streaming down my face as I curled up, facing the wall. The problem with crying is that once you start, you can’t stop. Soon my silent tears had turned into sobs that racked my body. I put my hand to my mouth to try to keep them in, but somehow that only made them worse.
Luke picked me up and cradled me in his lap. I fought him at first, striking out, landing blows only God knows where. It didn’t deter him. If anything, he probably welcomed them, so rife was he with self-disgust.
“Oh God, Shelly. I’m sorry. Yes, hate me. I’m so sorry.”
I curled into his warmth and his hate and cried into his shirt. He rocked me, murmuring endearments and apologies and self-directed epithets until my tears had dried.
My head felt hollow but strangely heavy. “Did you think I would judge you?” I whispered.
His laugh was hoarse. “I don’t need you to judge me. I do that plenty for myself.”
“You did what you had to do to keep your sister safe.”
“I could have walked her into any police station. I should have. If I had, she would still be alive.”
“You were a teenager. You couldn’t know what would happen to her, especially after they had left you in that man’s care.”
“And I thought I could do better. I was so damn cocky. Isn’t that funny? The gay-for-pay guy was cocky.”
It was like watching myself from the outside. So full of anger and hurt, covering it all up with sexually insulting humor.
“How did she—” I bit my lip, stoppering the words.
“I wasn’t her pimp, if that’s what you thought. There are some lines even I wouldn’t cross.”
“I didn’t think that,” I said quickly and felt some of the tension leak from his body.
He swallowed. “I was gone every night. She was bored, like I told you. She started hanging out with a bad crowd who got her hooked on heroin. That was the point I really got scared. I knew we were both in over our heads, but I was so wrapped up in my own shit. I thought I could handle it all. I started being more careful with money, so she wouldn’t spend it all on the drugs. That’s when she started hooking, to make up the money. Most of the girls she hung out with were already doing it, so I guess it didn’t seem like a big deal. I only found out later, after she had gone.”