“Miles.” It came out in a hoarse whisper.
“You look . . . amazing.” He looked down as if unsure of himself. “I . . . I heard you were back in town. Can . . . can we talk?”
I stood up on the bed of the truck so that I towered over him, giving me the leverage I needed. “Nope.”
And then I jumped down and headed toward the mishmash of cars parked haphazardly on the lawn. Anger blazed like a wildfire inside my chest. No fucking way did he earn the right to talk to me.
I heard the crunching of dry grass behind me and realized that Miles was gaining on me. Except he was about three years too late.
“I’m just about to head home,” I called over my shoulder. “So just go the fuck away.”
Without turning around, I knew that I’d shocked him into silence. Never had I spoken that way to him before. Kai said that led to our downfall. He hadn’t liked the way I’d acted with Miles and had told me so on a number of occasions.
As I moved toward the cars, Shane stepped into our path, with Kai beside him. “Miles, probably best for you to take off.”
Kai tried catching my eye, but I looked away and kept moving, pushing past Shane.
“Wait, Rachel, please,” Miles said, and I twisted my head just as Kai restrained him, keeping him from going after me. “There’s something I need to say and then I promise to leave you alone.”
I stopped dead in my tracks and then swung toward him. “Oh yeah? How about all those times I wanted to say something to you but you never answered your phone?”
Damn it to hell. I had blown it. I’d let him see how he was affecting me. For three long years I had said he was dead to me. So why was my whole body reacting right now? I balled my shaking fists.
I had imagined this same scenario playing out so many times in my head: Miles returning to tell me he’d messed up, that he’d been a wreck without me. That he was sorry. Then he’d help me through rehab. He’d hold my hand and tell me I was beautiful despite my shaved scalp. He’d adjust the straps on my recovery helmet and kiss my cheek tenderly.
Just like Mom had done . . . and just like Kai had done.
I gave Kai a stern warning look. One that said, Stay out of this. Kai tightened his jaw as if he wanted to clock Miles one, but he let him go and stayed put, respecting my wishes. These two boys were as different as night and day. And I was different with each of them. With Kai, I confronted him toe-to-toe. With Miles, I’d always softened to his wishes.
I shook the thought from my head and moved farther away from the crowd, Miles following behind.
I spun in fury toward him. “What the hell do you need to say to me?”
Miles was just as handsome as always. His cheekbones had sharpened, and the chocolate eyes I had loved so much now appeared to hold a deep well of pain. They made me waver.
“Rachel, I was an asshole. I’ve grown up a lot since then.” Had he felt bad about his decision all of these years? “You didn’t deserve someone like me, anyway.”
I clenched my jaw so tight I saw stars. “You’ve got that right.”
“Damn it. I’m so sorry. I was scared.” He began pacing in wide circles, running his fingers through his barely-there hair. He’d always kept it closely shaved during the basketball season. “We were supposed to go away to college together and I didn’t know how to handle what happened to you. But I haven’t been able to get over how I treated you.”
Even though I had wanted this type of apology for years, hearing it out loud only made me feel numb. Confused. Lightheaded.
“I get it. I do,” I said. My voice was now a whisper. All my anger had been placed on pause. “But I sure as hell didn’t know how to handle it, either. So I don’t feel sorry for you.”
He looked me over as if surveying the aftereffects of everything damn thing that had happened to me. “You came back strong.”
“I did,” I said. “Without your help.”
“Maybe that’s just it, Rachel,” he said. “Maybe you got strong because I walked away.”
“Don’t pretend you were doing the honorable thing!” I spit out. His face fell, but I knew he was right in so many ways. But there was no chance I was admitting to them now. I probably wouldn’t ever.
“Please, Rachel.” He stared into my eyes, and I looked away to break the spell. “Can you give me a chance to make it up to you? I want to get to know you again. To be friends.”
“No way.”
“Will you at least think about it?”
“Never.” I shook my head and turned away. “Fuck off.”
But I had lost the power of those words and my shoulders slumped forward instead. Like all the fight had gone out of me in that moment.