He stared at me, his breathing broken and heavy in the enclosed space. How someone could be so beautiful and self-possessed was a mystery. His dark hair hanging loose. His tight black pants and gray high-top Vans. It was almost painful to look at him.
“Rachel, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner,” he said, his voice raw with emotion. “I only made up my mind to go back to Amsterdam today.”
“No problem,” I said, trying to keep my voice steady. “I’m not your keeper. You don’t need to run your decisions by me.”
“True. You’re not,” he huffed out. “But you are my friend. My best friend.”
My chest constricted agonizingly. I wanted to reach out to him. To erase this invisible wall between us. Remove my desire to touch him, kiss him, and taste him. I could see it in his eyes, too. Desire, flanked by awkwardness and hurt. Being together had fucked our friendship up royally.
He may have enjoyed our sexual relationship, but we both knew that Kai belonged to no one, least of all to me. So the most I could’ve hoped for was to hear him say those words. His plea for my friendship.
“Yeah, well,” I said finally. “It hasn’t felt that way lately.”
“I know.” He stepped forward, and I held my breath. “It’s been so messed up between us. I’m so sorry. Had I really thought it all through—that I might lose your friendship . . .”
What he wasn’t saying was that he wouldn’t have been intimate with me. And that hurt, even though it did sound mature. Because I’d prayed for him to want me—the whole package—all of me. And now he was leaving again and I wouldn’t be able even to hug him for a long time. Maybe ever. Not like that, anyway.
“I’m not going to apologize for any of it, though. It happened. It is what it is.” His fingers slipped a piece of my hair behind my ear. “But the truth of the matter is that I . . . I miss you, Turtle.”
I shuddered at his touch. His lips moved closer to my ear. “So much.”
I closed my eyes. “Me, too.”
He pulled me into a tight hug, and I reveled in his touch, being tucked inside his warm arms. Smelling his spicy scent, feeling his soft hair against my cheek while his fingers touched my back.
“This summer showed me how much I value your friendship,” he said into my hair. “And I don’t know what’s going to happen when I leave the country and you return to school.”
He tugged me flush against him. “But I don’t want to lose you again, Rachel.”
“We didn’t lose each other,” I said. “I just lost myself. And that’s not going to happen again.”
“It’s not?” He pulled back to look at me. “What about with this new guy, Andy?”
I jabbed him playfully. “You know his name is Andrew. And I don’t know. He’s nice.”
“He seems like a good guy.” He sighed. I wanted him to be angry, possessive, claim me as his own, but that had all been just a pipe dream. “I just want you to be happy.”
I nodded, feeling the sting of tears at the backs of my eyes. If he only knew what would truly make me happy.
“I just want you to promise me, Rachel,” he said.
“Promise you what?”
“That we won’t lose each other . . . ditch each other.”
He was bouncing my words back at me.
“Because no matter how you spin it,” he said, cupping my cheeks. “You left, too.”
He yanked his phone out of his pocket and began typing something. I wondered what in the hell he was doing until I heard my cell buzz with a text.
I pulled it out of my purse and read his message.
Let’s start keeping in touch now. Texts will be the easiest way, Turtle.
I nodded, and then we heard the knob jiggle and backed farther away from each other. As if we’d been caught doing something wrong. When for the first time, the only thing we were doing was being friends.
I lifted up the cheese tray, handed Kai a bottle of wine, and turned toward the door.
Dakota stepped inside the room. “Your mom sent me back here. What the hell is taking you so long?”
“Tone it down, Dakota,” Kai said, strolling around her and out the door.
I just shrugged and handed her another bottle of wine.
Chapter Thirty-four
Kai
I was leaving in the morning and my heart—my soul—was heavy. My bones weary, as if I was just going through the motions. Even though I was looking forward to getting back into the studio, I wasn’t as thrilled about returning to the country where I’d felt so unsure of myself, lost about so many things.
But I told myself it was a step in the right direction—that I hadn’t figured things out all summer long and this would at least help keep me focused on my future.