“Fantastic,” Mrs. Mattson said. “So you’ll be heading to the Netherlands again soon?”
Truth be told, I hadn’t been sure until that very moment—I decided I needed to finally make a choice. Do something. Be somebody, for Christ’s sake.
“Yes,” I said, trying to sound confident in my decision. “I’ll be leaving in a couple of weeks.”
“Wow, Kai,” Dakota said with a look of something like awe in her eyes. The first expression of support she’d shown me all summer. “Do Mom and Dad know?”
“Not yet,” I said. “I’ll let them know in the morning.”
“They should be happy about your decision.”
I nodded and threw a quick glance Rachel’s way. Her eyes were unfocused and her shoulders were stiff. She seemed to be trying to keep her mouth in a neat straight line.
Finally she met my gaze, the corners of her lips turning up, and said, “Congratulations.”
Her gaze swept over the crowd before returning to her mother. “We’re getting low on appetizers. I’ll refill some plates.”
Then she walked away, leaving me to deal with my tornado of emotions.
Chapter Thirty-three
Rachel
Stomach convulsing, I rushed to the back room as quickly as I could. We’d cleared a table for extra fruit, crackers, and wine for the opening, next to a shelf filled with my mother’s candle-making supplies.
I grabbed an additional serving tray and began loading grapes onto it.
Overcome with despair, I sagged against the table.
What in the fuck. Kai was leaving again?
I supposed he had no grounds to stay. I certainly wasn’t a good enough reason.
Going to college an hour away from home was completely different than traipsing off to a separate goddamn continent.
Sure, we had been back to friends-only status since the concert that weekend. Based on his angry outburst, all I could gather was that he thought I was using him for his body. But hadn’t he done the same? And hadn’t he encouraged just that?
After my recent hospital stay, he’d practically treated me like a porcelain doll—something I used to be able to count on him not to do.
At least Andrew had treated me like a normal girl. But I’d accepted his offers of hanging out for the wrong reasons. He was cute and nice and great, actually. The kind of guy I would have been interested in a few years ago. But I wasn’t the same Rachel anymore. Especially not after being with Kai. And shit, now I’d have to see Andrew around TSU campus, too.
I was tired of Dakota acting disappointed in me and asking me five hundred questions about the past three years. It was true that I’d avoided in-depth phone calls or visits home, which she was beginning to piece together. It was clear how much she didn’t really know me anymore.
And being around her again just reminded me how much I respected her, revered her, even—how straitlaced and honorable she’d been most of the time. How tough it had been to live up to that, even thought she hadn’t asked me to.
Instead of arguing with her, I felt some bizarre need to compensate. So I told her I was ready to date some nice guys again. As if I’d been the victim of my meaningless hookups instead of seeking out guys to get lost in.
Truth be told, I’d also hoped that having Andrew pick me up at the condo might’ve jogged something in Kai. Made him realize that he missed being with me—in an intimate way, instead of just allowing me to use him to fulfill my sexual needs.
I figured he’d moved on already. He’d been going up to the bar, and I’d overheard my high school friend Julia talking about how hot he was, so I assumed he’d hooked up with her. Of course, I’d lain awake at night tormenting myself imagining how he’d probably dirty talked her.
And finally, I had hoped that Andrew was the solution to all that was Kai. Would help me get over him, forget him. That maybe I’d slowly fall for Andrew. Like I had with Kai.
How it was like some crazy, wicked roller coaster. You’re climbing the tracks, hoping for a decent thrill, when suddenly the bottom drops out, and you’re crashing headlong into the most electrifying ride of your life.
But kissing Andrew was like grabbing on to a fizzling sparkler on the Fourth of July. And making out with Kai inspired the awe of the grand fucking finale. Opulent and exhilarating and wholly captivating.
I wasn’t sure if any guy would ever measure up to his charm, his glow, his magnetism. His dirty mouth. And truth be told, I no longer felt like finding out. I was done dealing with my problems this way. It was useless and dumb and only reminded me of what I was missing.
Before I could fully reason my way through my map of emotions, Kai came bursting through the door, shutting it closed behind him.