“But”—Ella shot Avery a look—“you know practically everything about us. So you know we’re not even close to being perfect. Did you think we’d expect you to be?”
“What in the hell is going on?” Dakota said, rising up on her knees, disappointment dripping from her voice. I felt like a scolded child.
“I just— Listen,” I said, running my fingers through my hair. “I wanted to go somewhere and not be known as the girl with the brain injury.”
“Brain injury?” Ella’s voice had pitched higher. “God, Rachel, I’m so sorry.”
Avery stared at me with something like awe in her eyes. Her gaze skated around my neck and shoulders and then up to my hair, as if picturing the damage.
“See, that’s exactly it,” I said, so quiet. I would have curled into a nearly invisible ball right then if I’d had the chance. “I didn’t want anyone’s pity.”
Chapter Twenty-seven
Rachel
“I actually understand that,” Avery said. And somehow I’d known she would. Ella was always more open. The more talkative one. Avery had been a bit closed off when I’d first met her.
Until Bennett came along. He had definitely been a positive force in her life. So what did that say about me? I certainly didn’t need a boy to help me figure shit out. Even though the heart-to-hearts I’d been having with Kai were more comforting than any pep talk I’d given myself.
“Still, I should have told you. But I kind of blew it,” I said. “I guess as more time went by, I figured, why bother.”
I looked at Dakota, her jaw slack and her eyes glassy. “I know it doesn’t make much sense to you.”
Dakota snapped out of her trance to look at me. “I feel like you’re two different people, Rachel.”
I hid my face in my hands. “If you only knew.”
She yanked my fingers away from my eyes. “After this concert, we’re going to talk, you and me. I have a feeling you’ve got more to explain.”
I sucked in a deep breath without responding. That was proof enough.
“We’d like that, too,” Ella said, and Avery nudged her knee. “I mean . . . only when you’re ready.”
“I’ll be ready,” I said, wishing we were in a different setting. I just wanted to spill it all out now. Get it over with and deal with the ramifications. “I’ve been such an idiot.”
Even still, relief washed through me. One hurdle down, one to go.
The guys were headed back, double-fisting drinks, one for each of us. Bennett was laughing at something Shane was saying while Kai and Quinn were looking at Nate, who pointed out something in the distance. Then Nate headed off to where Jessie continued to chat with some girl with a flower tattoo to hand her the beer. She smiled at him and then began introducing him to her friend.
Kai handed me white wine in a plastic cup, Shane handed Dakota hers, and it all seemed so ordinary. If anyone were scrutinizing us from the outside, they might have seen four couples, even though half the people in our group were only friends. And it struck me just how natural it felt to be here like this—sitting on a blanket next to Kai, listening to music under the stars, and talking about friends and work and school.
Would it have felt the same with Miles and his friends?
The awareness hit me that it never had. It was always me with him and his crew, never him with me and my friends, and we barely ever all hung out together. I just gave everything up for him. And I vowed right then and there to never do that for any guy again.
Kai leaned over and whispered, “How’s it going—have you been outed yet?”
“As a matter of fact, I have,” I said, I hoped quietly enough that nobody heard. “Thanks to Dakota.”
“Already?” He glanced at his sister and shook his head. “We haven’t even been here that long.”
I cringed. “No kidding.”
“Well, now that the cat’s out of the bag”—he spoke against my hair, and I held in a shiver—“was it really so bad?”
I looked back at my friends, who all seemed to be having a good time listening to the second act, which was a pseudo punk rock band. “No. Actually, I feel relieved.”
“Told you,” he said, all smug, and I elbowed him playfully in the ribs.
“They only know about my injury, though,” I said. “Not about the Miles stuff.”
“They’ll be here tomorrow, too. Tell them before they leave,” he said, patting my knee as I tensed up.
Gray puffs of clouds moved overhead, and the night air became chilly, so we covered ourselves with the extra blankets we’d brought. I made sure not to sit wrapped up with Kai. I didn’t want to lose myself in the feel of his skin next to mine and his heat mixing with the softness of the throw. It would feel too . . . nice. Too right. And I’m sure all my emotions would be visible on my face.