But I needed to remind myself that this talk between them was necessary for resolution. Just like it was essential for me to see how emotionally unavailable she continued to be. How much leftover baggage she still had with this guy.
Besides, she only liked that I got her off.
Nothing more, nothing less.
But maybe after this meet-up with Miles, Rachel would finally be able to shake the influence he continued to have over her. It was the same power she held over me. The power to destroy me with one word. One look.
Maybe there was that one person who could forever haunt you. For her, it would be Miles. And for me, it would be Rachel. But there was no way I was turning back now, because the reality of having Rachel’s body in my arms was so much better than the fucking fantasy of having her heart.
So I needed to keep up appearances. Continue being the reckless dude who messed around with girls. And I’d be that for her for as long as she needed me to be.
Even if it broke me.
Chapter Twenty
Rachel
“We were talking about our future, thinking about colleges, and I was wondering whether we’d really last, you know?” Miles said. I was having trouble concentrating on his actual words. I was too busy trying to remember what it had been like between us. What it had really been like. On the inside. In my gut.
Had I been happy? Had I felt whole when I was with him? Hadn’t I lain awake at night wondering when I’d finally get a backbone and become the person I was supposed to be?
I remembered admiring Dakota and Kai in those days. Not because they came from a close family. Not because they were good-looking and had loads of money.
But because both were so confident and self-assured. Even when Kai was fucking up and getting in trouble, he did it with finesse. Like he knew exactly what he was getting himself into and could remain in control. I wanted that self-possessed certainty. That poised surety. I was like some bumbling fool next to the two of them.
I got why we hung out. In the privacy of my own circle of friends, I could be funny, cocky even. But get me in front of a group of guys and I became a wallflower. And if that’s what attracted Miles to me in the first place, it was kind of pathetic. He’d once told me he’d been used to girls throwing themselves at him, and it had been refreshing being with someone like me.
Someone like me. Those words now rang true in my head.
“I mean”—Miles was still talking, and I flicked my eyes back to him—“in the end, I couldn’t see us married or anything, Rachel. And I know I gave you that ring. But . . . God, that was so stupid of me. I was confused . . . and again, feeling guilty.”
I shook my head numbly. I didn’t want him to see how much his revelation was affecting me. I didn’t want the tears that were burning the back of my throat to spill down my cheeks.
“You relied on me for a lot of things.” I gave an imperceptible nod, agreeing with him in my own way. “And . . . and I let you. You never really stood up for yourself. You became different from the girl I was first attracted to.”
I had trouble dispelling the oxygen from my lungs. I knew exactly the girl he was referring to, but I asked him anyway. “And what girl was that?”
“You were gutsy and sarcastic and seemed to have so much confidence—at least in front of your friends,” he said, and I could only agree with that. Because he was right. I had been mostly invisible to boys when next to my very beautiful best friend, and that had been fine by me. When it came to guys, I hadn’t known how to act.
Except with Kai. When he had been with his friends, I would freeze up, sure. When he’d pull me into his chest, mess up my hair, and treat me like a kid, I’d be embarrassed. But in private, when I’d spend weekends at their house, sleeping over in my best friend’s room, we’d had a blast together. We would stay up late watching movies, playing video games, sneaking into their parents’ liquor and getting tipsy.
When Kai would come home late from dates with girls, his hair mussed, his face shiny from lip-gloss, I would be intrigued. I’d wonder exactly what he’d done with those girls.
And here Miles was talking negatively about the same girl who Kai had warned me I’d become in that relationship. I threw a look over my shoulder to see if he was anywhere around. I could’ve used the distraction right then.
“Rachel?” I brought my attention back to Miles. “I’m sorry if this is hard to hear.”
“It’s not,” I said, clamping down my jaw. “I already figured all of it out myself.”
I purposely made my voice sound harsh. No way was he going to have control over my emotions again. “So go on. Say whatever else you need to say.”