When I glanced up and smiled, her cheeks reddened. “Thanks,” I said, staring at the boarding pass on my phone. The loud hum of the generators on the jet bridge were almost like the sound of home these days.
Once on the plane, I quickly found my spot and stowed my carryon away before falling into the comfy first-class seat. I pulled one of her letters out of my pocket, staring at the words: I loved you.
A lady with box-dyed black hair and a leopard print shirt waddled down the aisle and plopped in the seat next to me. I tucked the letters safely away. “So you’re my flying buddy today, huh?” she said with a grin.
“Looks like it.”
“It’s my first time to Australia. I’ve always dreamed of going.”
Great! She was a talker. “Yeah, it’s a nice place.”
“Oh, you’ve been?” She gave me a quick once-over. “Oh, you must be going home.”
I narrowed my eyes. “No, just going to visit.”
“Oh, well.” She shimmied down in her seat before popping her purse open and pulling out a pack of gum. “You had this look on your face like you were going home. Something in your eyes.” She took a piece of gum, then offered me a stick.
“I’m fine…thanks.”
Sighing, she dropped her purse to the floor as a stewardess came by followed by a few passengers. “You know,” the lady said. “You look awfully familiar.”
“Yeah…I get that a lot.”
She studied my face. “Uncanny resemblance to somebody.”
I shrugged.
“Well, I won’t bother you too much.” She bent over and pulled a magazine out of her bag, flipping it open. On the back cover was an advertisement for my latest album. I sunk down in the seat and pulled my cap over my eyes waiting for the damn plane to take off.
41
Hannah
The next morning, I sat on my couch, clutching a cup of coffee to my chest after only two hours of sleep. I glared at my phone as notification after notification popped up on the lock screen. I wanted to kill him for saying my name on that video.
I swiped out of my lock screen. I was alone. I didn’t have work that day, so if the video caused me to have a mental breakdown, at least I could go crawl back in bed. It was obvious this wasn’t going away anytime soon, so I might as well get it out of the way.
I searched his name and took my pick of links to follow, waiting as the video loaded. The little circle seemed to spool forever. Finally, the play button popped up and, with a deep breath, I pressed it.
The camera shook as Noah steadied it. “Damn, it’s windy out here,” he said. Wind rustled across the speakers, catching his dark hair. I could just make out what looked like an empty arena behind him. “I have a favor to ask y’all—” His gaze strayed down, and he grinned. “Hey Sarah, hey Jen. Thanks, Katie. Alright, so you know I suck at these Facebook live video things, but…” He exhaled before rubbing his lips together. “There’s this girl I need to find. I met her over a year ago, and man, she just kinda stole my heart, even though I didn’t think I had a heart to steal.” He looked right at the camera and my heart held back a few beats. My throat tightened. I could smell him, taste him… the memory is a sadistic little demon sometimes. “She’s the girl I write all my songs about. I guess…” An uneasy laugh slipped through his lips and he rubbed the back of his neck. “I guess I thought—I hoped that maybe she’d hear them and realize how much she meant to me. I don’t guess she has though. She’s the only thing that’s ever made me happy, and I just kinda”—shrugging, he shook his head—“let her walk away. Or I walked away. I don’t know, all I know is I let her go when I shouldn’t have. I still think about her every day. Every night before I go to bed.” I set my coffee down, my heart banging against my ribs. “But I can’t find her. I went back home to Rockford, and she’d left to do some traveling nurse thing.” My vision blurred behind tears. He wasn’t even looking at the camera. “So, if any of you know a pretty girl with dark hair and brown eyes that looks like she belongs in a country video, named Hannah Blake, that’s my girl. Tell her I need to talk to her. Tell her I should have fought for her…” He looked at the screen for a second, I guess reading over the comments most likely clogging up his feed. “Every song, Tammy. Every song was written for her. If you know her, let me know.”
The phone shook before the video froze and went into another recommended video of some kid dancing in a diaper. I let go of the breath I didn’t realize I was holding, then I dropped the phone to the couch and swiped a hand over my mouth. Every song he’d written felt like it was us. When his album came out, it ripped open a new wound, but I convinced myself those songs were about every girl he’d been with. I’d convinced myself I was just another girl lost among the numbers. I had to, but now… I swallowed and inhaled a shaky breath before I picked my phone back up and stared at it. I could just find his number and call him. I could unblock him from Facebook and shoot him a message.
It shouldn’t have been so difficult, but when I went to unblock him, my finger hovered over the button. Noah hadn’t done anything terrible to me, and that’s what had made it so hard. All the memories I held of him were sweet, beautiful, and maybe that’s why they hurt so badly. He didn’t hurt me, I hurt myself because I fell for someone I had no business falling for.
And I had to forgive myself for that before I could do anything.
_
I spent most of that late afternoon at the beach, watching the waves. Thinking. I stayed until the orange sun melted behind the horizon, and once the stars came out, I looked up and smiled.
There were so many. So many glittering diamonds.
Finally, I pushed to my feet and dusted the sand from my legs before crossing the street back to my apartment. As soon as I rounded the corner of the stairwell, I froze. A guy was sitting on the welcome mat with his back pressed against my door. The bill to a dark blue ball cap was pulled over his face, and his heavily tattooed arm draped over his knee, the raven’s feather noticeable from where I stood, my feet glued to the spot. My pulse clanged in my ears as a nervous heat drowned my body. I went to say something but lost the words when my keys dropped from my trembling hands to the concrete with a soft clink.
He lifted his chin and glanced over at me before pushing to his feet. “Hey, you,” he whispered as he timidly closed the space between us. My eyes drifted from his face down the front of his white shirt. Instead of the worn out, secondhand shop clothes I was used to seeing him in, his clothes were neat and crisp. Designer. The rugged stubble on his face was perfectly shaped. It had been one thing seeing his pictures, hearing his voice, but seeing him this close after so long, it broke me all over again.
The spicy scent of redwood surrounded me, and I wanted to fall into it, but instead, I swallowed around the lump in my throat. “Hey.”
“God,” he said, slowly lifting his hand to my face and rubbing his callused fingers over my cheek. “I’ve thought about you every day. I never meant to hurt you, Hannah.”
Warm tears filled my eyes. “I know,” I lied.
“Do you?”
Unable to hold his gaze a moment longer, I glanced to the ground and shrugged a shoulder.
He exhaled. “It doesn’t matter, I shouldn’t have just walked away like that.” His thumb swept over my lip. “Forgive me.” He forced my chin up, his eyes pleading. “Please.”
I closed my eyes, knowing tears were going to seep out any minute. “I forgave you months ago.” The thing was, I only needed to forgive myself.
He leaned in, his lips pressing against mine in that reverent way only his could. The entire world crumbled around me in that moment. He tasted so familiar, so right, and as much as I wanted him—God, I wanted him— I knew I couldn’t handle it. I flattened my palms against his hard chest, my heart begging me not to as I gently pushed him away. “I can’t.”
His brow wrinkled as his eyes searched mine. “Don’t do this.” He hung his head. “Don’t fucking do this.”
“Noah, we aren’t those same people.” I took a step around him, knowing that even with the best intentions, he’d end up breaking what little there was left of my heart. “I’m here and you’re… there.”
“So move back.” A slow smile worked over his lips. “I can give you anything you want, I can take you to Paris, buy you a house in the—”
This was insane. “Noah, stop!” I exhaled. “Stop.”
“Hannah, I came all the way out here for you.” His face crumpled. “I—I left in the middle of a tour to come out here and—”
“I didn’t ask you to.” I shook my head. The regret that had been building in my chest billowed into a heavy cloud of resentment. Did he think he could just fly out here and I’d fall at his feet? Of course he did.
“Hannah, come on.”
I took a breath, narrowing my eyes on him. “Why now? Why not a week later, a month later?”
His jaw clenched. “You blocked me. Cut me out. What was I supposed to do? I did what I thought you wanted and left you alone.”