I was still breathless. “What?”
“There are no words. No words.”
It felt right. So damn right to have given myself to him. I wanted that part of me to forever belong to him because he made me feel. We laid in silence for a few minutes before he took a deep breath and dragged me onto his chest. “Promise me,” he said. “Promise me that no matter what happens between us, we’ll stay friends. I can’t lose you.”
The buzz circulating through me faded. I suddenly became very aware that I was still naked in his bed. Stay… friends? “Yeah. Sure.”
“What?” He shifted underneath me. “What’s the matter? It felt good, didn’t it?”
My chest tightened. “Yeah.”
He kissed my forehead. “Good. I want it to feel good for you.”
I swallowed. There was a storm of questions swirling in my head, a whirlwind of worries. After another deep breath, he patted my back and moved out from underneath me, yanking the condom off on his way to the bathroom. I watched him cross the room, watched the muscles of his back catch in the moonlight streaming in through the window. The mind is a funny thing. A master trickster. Moments before, I had been convinced what we shared was the ultimate act of love, but there I laid, contemplating what it really was. I glanced at the condom wrapper on his nightstand, then down to the half-opened drawer before I sat up enough to peek inside at the opened box of condoms. A few packets lay scattered around it, one of them obviously open and empty. My stomach knotted, and I laid back on the pillow before dragging a hand down my face.
When Noah came out of the bathroom, he crawled into bed next to me, draping his arm around me. I wanted to ask him what we were, but I couldn’t bring myself to. Not that night. I just wanted to lay in the dark, against his warm body and pretend that I wouldn’t regret what I’d just done.
32
Noah
Hannah fell asleep, but I couldn’t.
My head was in a tailspin of confusion. I’d never felt so connected to a person, and that scared me shitless. Love hadn’t proven to be too fond of me, and I’d done my best at staying far away from feeling for anyone aside from Grandma. But fate didn’t give me much of a choice with Hannah, it kept throwing her in my face, and I couldn’t ignore her. Someone with a soul as refreshing as hers, any man would be a fool not to fall for her.
I sighed, breathing in the scent of her hair. Amber and vanilla. I almost laughed. Nothing sexy. Nothing sensual. Just pure like her. I almost—almost—slipped up and told her I loved her. The words were on the tip of my tongue when I slid inside her, it felt right to say, but fear forced them back.
She was in a bad spot, dealing with her mom and all, and part of me couldn’t help but think that’s all I was—a way to ignore the shitty part of her life. After all, misery loves company and I’m sure hanging out with the likes of me had to make her feel like her life wasn’t so bad. The question was, should I keep falling for the girl I knew would wake up one day and realize she had no future with me? There wasn’t shit I could give her. Nothing. Unless that shit about Brice was legitimate, then maybe I could… And therein lay another issue, what the hell was I supposed to do about that? If he wanted me to go to Nashville, was I supposed to just throw that at her: Oh, I know your mom’s dying, but I have to move away for a little while. I groaned, staring at the ceiling. That’s something I didn’t need to bother her with unless something came of it, and besides, if it was just a load of shit, why make it look like I believed I was capable of something like that? No, I’d just keep my mouth shut.
Hannah rolled onto her back and I glanced over at her. The moonlight shining through the window bathed her face in a silver light. God, she was undeniably gorgeous. I didn’t need sex with her. I just needed her. It was too deep already, I knew that as I trailed a fingertip over her lips. She was asleep, so it was safe… “I love you, Hannah Blake,” I whispered. Those words felt so foreign on my tongue, but God, it was like I’d just confessed my sins to a priest. There was this sense of relief because I realized my cynical ass could love someone without even trying. It just had to be the right person.
_
When I woke that next morning, she wasn’t in the bed. I threw on some gym shorts, took a piss, and found her already dressed and sitting on the cinder block step in front of my house just staring out at Old Man’s junked-up yard.
When the door closed behind me, she startled. “Hey, you,” I said.
“Hey.”
“How long have you been up.”
She shrugged a shoulder. Shit, I just knew she was regretting the night before. I took a seat next to her and snatched one of the tall weeds peeking up between the porch and the house. “I just have a lot on my mind.”
“Yeah…” I rubbed a hand over her back. “You okay about last night?”
She nodded. God, she was regretting it. “I mean, I just…” she huffed. “I don’t know.”
“I never intended to do that, sleep with you, I—”
She laughed. “Wow, way to make a girl feel good.”
“No, I didn’t mean it like that.” She jerked away from me a little. “Listen, it’s just, I care a lot about you.”
“Yeah, and I care about you.”
I swallowed. The uncomfortable heat of vulnerability crawled up my neck. There were two ways to find out how a girl felt about you: tell her point blank how you felt about her or make her think you didn’t care about her. If I told Hannah how I felt, she could have shot me down like a wounded bird, or worse, she may have felt forced to tell me she loved me too just to avoid hurting me.
“That’s what dear friends do, care for each other.” I cringed when I said it. She tensed under my hand. My pulse hammered against my ribs.
She shook her head. “I don’t even know what I’m doing.” That made two of us. She pushed to her feet and turned to face me. Her expression was unreadable and that scared the shit out of me. What was I doing? “I want more than that with you,” I said. “I always have.”
She pressed her lips together in a hard line. “I don’t know what I want, to be honest. I don’t know what I need right now. I just…”
Doubt settled in. She didn’t need the stress of whatever this was between us, and to be honest, I didn’t even know if I could be what she needed in that aspect. I was immature, unsettled, but damn, I loved her. “Don’t think about it then,” I said, placing my arm around her shoulder. When I went to kiss her, she barely kissed me back.
“Don’t do this.” I sighed.
The sound of gravel crunching under tires caught my attention. I glanced toward the road to see Meg’s car pulling down the drive. I couldn’t help but let out a sarcastic laugh. “Wow, you were gonna bounce?” I tossed my hands up. “Just like that?”
“It’s early, and I needed to get home.”
“You could have woken me up.”
“I just need to… think about what I’m doing, Noah.”
“Okay. It’s fine.”
“I can’t keep a clear head when I’m around you.”
I nodded. “Yeah, alright, well”—I backed up the steps—“well, you just let me know when your head’s cleared.” Angry and hurt, I yanked the door open and stepped inside before she could say anything else, and I went straight to the fridge to grab a beer.
Maybe I shouldn’t have pulled the dear friend bullshit, but still, she’d already made up her mind. I chugged the beer. She called her fucking friend to come get her. I tossed the empty beer can into the trash and heard my phone ringing in my bedroom. Swearing under my breath at my stupidity, I went to my room and grabbed the phone.
“Yeah?” I said, rubbing over my neck.
“Noah, it’s Brice. Again.”
“Yeah.”
“Like I said when you hung up on me the first time, I saw a video of you covering one of my songs and I was impressed.”
“Thanks.”
“So much so, I showed it to my agent. I’m always looking for new voices to do collaborations with, I was going to invite you to record a song with me.”
I froze, staring straight ahead at the mirror. He can’t be serious.
“You still there?”
“Yeah, I’m still here just kinda…”
He laughed. “Well, it was a last-minute thought. I have this song I need another voice for, no one I’ve tried feels just right. Now, I’m not saying it’s a sure thing, hell, you may get up here and might not sound anything like that video. Maybe you just suck at recording, but there’s only one way to find out for sure.”
“You’re serious?” As soon as the words left my mouth, I felt like an idiot.
“Serious as a heart attack.” He chuckled. “Only problem is. I only have three more days in the studio.”
“Okay.”
“So, if you’re interested, you’re gonna have to come up here. Today.”
“Today?”
“Today. That’s why I had been trying to get in touch with you for a while, but I’m sure whatever employer you have would understand, and I’ll cover your accommodations, lost wages and such.”