Whiskey Lullaby(33)

We only slept together once. One time. And maybe that’s part of it, I never told you.

Between the kisses and heavy breaths, I thought about it. I thought maybe I should tell you, but then the clothes came off and you ran your hands over my naked body, over every last curve and dip. You looked at me like I was the most beautiful thing you had ever seen, like you had to have me, and I didn’t want to ruin that.

You took me. Claimed me—in ways you never knew. You are the only man I’ve ever slept with.

I stared at those words, my brow wrinkled. The only one? On a groan, I hung my head. If I’d only known. Jesus Christ, Hannah. Had I only known… And I went right back to reading.

I so badly wanted to go into detail here. I wanted to write every last movement. Every last breath, but, I don’t have to. Because you know what it felt like.

The way my fingers raked through your thick hair when you laid down between my thighs. The way I squirmed when your mouth was on me. That first taste. How wet you made me? You remember what that felt like, don’t you? What it looked like when my back bowed away from the bed as your fingers sank into me so deep and hard. The desperation in my voice when I begged for you to be inside of me.

You pinned my arms above my head when you finally sank inside of me. “Fuck,” you said, closing your eyes. A deep groan rumbled up your throat. And with each brutal thrust, I moaned. I dug my nails into your broad back and moaned, cursing underneath my breath because you felt so right even though you were so goddamn wrong. That was the thing about you, Noah. You always felt so right.

The next morning, I woke with your arm around me like that was how everything should have been. And in another life, I really believe it was.





31





Hannah





Summer 2015





My phone rang the second I stepped into Noah’s house. As much as I wanted to direct it to voicemail when I saw it was my father, I couldn’t. If something had happened to Momma, I’d never forgive myself.

“Hey.”

“You alright?”

“Yes.”

He sighed. “I’m sorry, I was outta place, I’m just worried about you.”

“Okay, Daddy.”

“I got your mother’s prescription. Gave her the pain meds and they seem to be helping…” My chest grew tight. Guilt perched on my shoulders like a heavy cross. I wanted to be with Noah, but I felt I should be there with her. God, what a horrible daughter I am.

“Is she asleep?”

“Yep. Been asleep for about an hour.” Noah walked to the hallway, bracing his arms in the doorway. The bottom of his shirt lifted just enough to show off the deep lines that disappeared below the waist of his jeans. “You coming home?”

“In the morning.”

There was an awkward silence. Daddy cleared his throat. I’m sure he wanted to ask me if I was with Noah, but he didn’t. I appreciated that. “Alright. Well, you be careful, and I love you.”

“I love you too, Daddy.”

When I tossed the phone on the end table, Noah looked up, dropping his hands to his sides. “Everything alright?”

“Yep. Everything’s good.” I walked past him straight into his room and sat down on the bed, propping my back against the headboard.

He crawled onto the bed and pulled me into him. It felt so good to rest my head against his chest and listen to his heartbeat. My finger traced the intricate tattoo of raven feathers. I stared closely and saw words actually made up the strands. “What does that say?”

“Jai Guru Devum, Om.”

“French?”

“Yeah, some Beatles song. It means nothing’s gonna change my world.”

“That’s tragically beautiful.”

“Right? That is exactly what I thought.” He smiled at me. “Maybe I was wrong though…”

I needed the way he felt, the safety, the sense of belonging when I sensed I was losing my way. Without even trying, Noah gave me peace during a restless time in my life. Some people speak to your mind. Some people speak to your heart. But Noah spoke to my soul. I laid against him, soothed by the rhythm of his heart and the slow sweep of his fingers over my arm. I questioned how I could feel the way I did about him. A few weeks ago, he was a stranger. And now, I felt like a moon stuck irrevocably within the orbit of his earth. The fact that this man had become my world in such a short time terrified me. But I guess love terrifies everyone, because nothing makes you more vulnerable. When you love someone, you give them the power to destroy you. There was no in-between with love.

I snuggled against him, wrapping my arms around his body as much as I could. No matter how close my body was to his, it wasn’t enough. I softly took his jaw in my hand and sat up. “You make me happy.”

Smiling, he kissed me. Soft. Sweet. Each movement of his lips slow and deliberate. He made me weak in the most beautiful of ways, because I felt that no matter what, no matter if I fell, he’d catch me. At that moment in my life, he was everything to me. A savior. A lifeline. The meaning of love. The proof that you don’t judge a book by its cover.

His fingers grazed my jaw, my neck, and then he pulled away. His eyes studied me. “Tell me this is real,” he whispered.

I swear the earth slowed for a moment. “Very.”

“Good, because I can’t lose you.” His mouth slammed over mine and he braced his elbows on either side of my head, moving on top of me.

The kiss went from slow and soft to hard, desperate. My insides tightened and coiled, my skin heated and my body moved against his seeking relief. “Touch me,” I whispered beside his ear before nibbling his neck.

Within seconds, my jeans were on the floor, my underwear tossed somewhere to the side and while his fingers were inside me, I was working his jeans over his hips. Our shirts came off— mine first then his— and the second his naked body pressed against mine, I inhaled. The heat, the sensation. I’d never felt more alive than in that moment. This was love, I thought. There was no way it wasn’t. It crackled through the air between us like an all-consuming storm. Each touch of his fingertips was a roll of thunder, a crash of lightning, but each kiss was reverent. Innocent.

Noah kissed along my side to my hips while he scooted down the bed. When he pushed my legs apart and dipped his head between my thighs, I tensed. There was a moment where I worried. He had no idea I’d never been with a man, and I needed to be everything he wanted. I held my arms by the pillow, trying to position my head just right. Trying to look the part—how I thought all those other girls he’d been with looked. I tried to not be nervous, self-conscious, but how could I not? I was moments away from giving myself to a man who had no idea I was giving him anything. To him, this was another night, and to me, this was the night I would remember for the rest of my life, no matter what happened between us.

His tongue brushed over me and I tensed again. “Relax, baby.”

And I couldn’t help but do exactly that as I watched each slow movement he made. The way the air seemed to kiss my bare skin, the soft sounds of him groaning against me, the heat that flushed over my body like a rising tide—that was what erotic meant. It felt almost dirty yet pure in the most devoted of ways. At that moment, nothing outside of he and I existed. Nothing. The world began and ended with us, in that bed.

“Noah,” I tugged at his hair. “Please…” I gasped, throwing my head back while a wave of bliss crashed over me. My thighs tensed around his head. “Please.” I sounded frantic, my movements were desperate, but I no longer cared. I grabbed under his arms and pulled. “Please!”

The heat of his skin against mine when he moved over my body nearly sent me over the edge again. “What do you want?” he whispered against my neck.

“You.”

He exhaled, his hand palming my breast. “You want me to fuck you, Hannah? Hmm?” He licked my neck. “Tell me you want me inside you?” The deep, controlled tone of his voice forced chill bumps over my skin.

He settled between my thighs. I could feel him right there, the heat, the slightest of touches, and I found myself lifting my hips, trying to force what I wanted from him. “Yes…” I turned my face toward his, and he kissed me, fumbling with the drawer of his nightstand.

He shifted off me. A mixture of excitement and apprehension wound through me when I heard the wrapper tear open. I swallowed. Noah leaned over me, sweeping a finger over my cheek. “You mean so much to me.”

I’d never been so aware of myself physically as I was in that moment when he moved between my legs. I closed my eyes and his lips laid against mine as he so slowly took me. That slight pressure was already addictive, and I found myself pushing against him, greedily searching for more. I’d always expected sex to be intrusive, slightly barbaric, but this was welcomed and poetic.

Kissing. Touching. Holding and moving against each other in the dark. The way our breaths mingled together, our bodies trying so desperately to say the words I believed we were both too scared to speak. It was perfect. He pinned my arms above my head, telling me how beautiful I was.

By the time I’d come undone, saying his name like a prayer I’d rehearsed my entire life, we were both covered in sweat and breathless.

“Fuck,” he groaned, my body still tensing around him. “Just…fuck, Hannah.” I watched him. When he let go, his eyes slammed shut and his lips opened before his chin dropped to his chest on a low growl. I wanted to believe I was the only person who’d ever seen him look like that. I wanted to believe I was the only girl who could make him feel that good. Noah collapsed onto the bed beside me, rolling onto his back and staring up at the ceiling while dragging his fingers through his damp hair. “You are…”